One can no longer enjoy a delicious omelette and contemplate the wage gap in any meaningful way. If you think women should have equal opportunities under the law and deviled eggs are go-to potluck dish, time to think about why you’re wrong, because according to PETA, you cannot consider yourself a “real” feminist if you consume eggs.
In a blog post entitled “You Can’t Be An Egg-Eating Feminist“, PETA makes a direct comparison to human eggs and chicken eggs, and it is profoundly stupid. Chicken periods are delicious, full of protein, and come with their own a handy carrying case. People periods are messy, gross, and taste like iron (OR SO I HAVE HEARD). But PETA doesn’t see it that way.
So what does it mean, then, when women take another female’s eggs from her without a thought and readily pay money for her eggs, knowing that she was imprisoned, her reproductive cycle was controlled and manipulated, and she was forced to bear young on someone else’s timetable?
I would totally pay the chicken directly for her periods if I thought she’d know how to spend it. As it stands, chickens are terrible shoppers. The last time I sent Henny Penny to the store, bitch came back with a dish sponge and a box of unsalted Triscuits. I don’t know if they’re all stupid, but Henny Penny ate the sponge and couldn’t even get the Triscuit box open. But according to PETA, she could have if she wanted to.
Chickens are inquisitive, and they can complete complex mental tasks, demonstrate self-control, worry about the future, and pass down cultural knowledge. In some aspects, their cognitive abilities exceed those of cats, dogs, and even primates. Like all animals (including humans), they love their families and value their own lives. They look out for their relatives and the other chickens in their group. They have complex social structures, well-developed communication skills, and distinct personalities, just as we do.
Where are these MENSA chickens? I demand proof. I know they have those counting chickens at state fairs or whatever but I’ve never seen one do algebra or exhibit self-control by cutting out carbs or telling folktales about The Great Road Crossing of ‘08. Call me a bad feminist, but I pay a lot of money for high quality pastured eggs because I’m a guilt ridden member of the bourgeoisie. And I don’t do it because I think chickens are Just Like US, I do it because it’s a baller flex.
And while we’re on the subject of PETA stupidity, I might as well feed two birds with one scone and post PETA’s new rules for animal idioms.
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