WHEN whispering sweet nothings isn’t floating your loved one’s boat, you need to up your game.
That’s why today we have a lesson for you on how to talk your way into bed with your loved one.
According to a survey by Durex, one in three people hate talking about sex with a partner, while one in five NEVER do. But sex and relationships expert Kate Taylor says: “Many studies have shown that the more couples can discuss their sex life openly with each other, the more satisfied they feel, both in bed and in the whole relationship.
“Communication improves everything, from the techniques you use, how often you have sex, right through to your levels of trust and intimacy.” Got the message? Now try Kate’s A-Z guide to sexier communication . . .
APPS: Break the ice by using apps. Try Pillow Play, for frisky “follow-along” exercises for couples, Coral, which has scientific exercises to upgrade your technique, Lover, for sexual health and TeaseMe, for a range of audio fantasies.
BOOK CLUB: Start a naughty book club with your partner, taking turns to buy two copies of filthy fiction that you can read and talk about together. Try Multi-Orgasmic by Lucy Felthouse, 100 Erotic Quickies by Kelly Kerry or Desire, edited by Mariella Frostrup.
COMPLIMENTS: Couples who make five positive comments for every negative one are the most likely to stay the course, according to marriage expert John Gottman. So invest in your future by giving your partner five saucy compliments about their prowess.
DESIRE DIARIES: Each keep a desire diary for a week. Note all the times you felt in the mood, and what you’d been thinking about, watching, eating, wearing or doing. Use the diaries to chat when you feel friskiest.
EATING WELL: Use food to create a sexy mood before you chat — it can boost your confidence and make everything less awkward. Chocolate, strawberries and chilli are all highly regarded for their aphrodisiac properties, so why not prepare a finger-food platter.
FANTASIES: According to research by Justin Lehmiller, author of Tell Me What You Want (£3.99, Kindle), only 50 per cent of couples reveal their fantasies, but those who do are happiest with their sex lives. Start with your tamest, then work up to your darkest desires.
GAMES NIGHT: Play a naughty couples’ game to spark conversation (and maybe more) . . . Monogamy (£30) lets you swap lusty likes and dislikes, or Never Have I Ever (£8) reveals your sexiest secrets. Find both at annsummers.com.
HOLDING HANDS: Hold hands to boost your release of connection hormone Oxytocin when you talk. Research shows that women prefer to talk about important things face to face, but men feel more comfortable opening up when they’re side by side. Compromise, by chatting while snuggled up on the sofa.
I DO: Start your conversation with the word “I”, for example, saying: “I love it when we do this; I’d like more of that; I read about this sexy idea; I’d love to try that.” It’s so much less confrontational than “You never do this” or “You ought to do this.”
JOKE AROUND: Starting the conversation in a lighthearted way will ease the embarrassment. Like, challenge him to a racy game of “Would You Rather?” starting with simple but revealing questions like, “Would you rather have sex on a bed, or a chair?”
KISS AND TELL: The more aroused we are, the more open-minded we become and the less able to feel negative emotions like shock or disgust. So kiss your partner until you’re both hot and bothered, then you’ll feel freer to talk — the raunchier, the better.
LEARN: Suggest you learn new foreplay and sexual techniques together, but be clear that you’re looking to spice things up, not overhaul his whole technique. Try omgyes.com for hot foreplay techniques and videos (from £39).
MONTHLY FUN: A sex-toy subscription box gives you a new set of conversation starters every month. Try CupidBox for monthly “date night” packs (from £25); or TantalizeMe for a monthly mystery box of torrid toys (from £59).
NEUTRAL TERRITORY: Get dressed and get out of bed before you talk. Your partner is less likely to perceive anything you discuss as criticism or an order if it’s said in a safe, neutral space. Go for a walk or a drive, where the comments are less personal.
OPENERS: Have an easy conversation starter planned to help you get over your nerves. You could try asking a question like: “If the world was ending, what would you most like to do in bed before you die?”
PODCASTS: Tune in and turn on. On your podcast app, try Quinn, for erotic stories read aloud; Bawdy Storytelling for real-life revelations; Foreplay Radio for frank tips; Sex and Other Human Activities for straight answers; or Why Are People Into That? for an in-depth look at kinks.
QUIZ: Use a quiz as a way of getting to know each other. Visit the Weshouldtryit.com website to find out all the sexy things you’d both love to do to each other, or you could try LoveLink.co/quizzes to discover each other’s hottest fantasies.
REMINISCE: Recall the sexiest moments you’ve shared together in the relationship. Start with the simple stuff, like: “Remember our first kiss?” then gradually move up to the spiciest moments that you’re keen to relive.
SCHEDULE: Don’t blindside your partner with an intimate chat. Instead, arrange a time when you’ll both be in the mood to talk, like after dinner, during a drive or over coffee or drinks. Scheduling a time for your chat means you’ll be on an equal footing.
TOPICAL: Only focus on one area of your sex life. Bombarding your partner with too many topics will stop him listening, and stress you out. Decide on the thing you’d most like to focus on and keep to that. Sex conversations should be regular so you will cover all bases eventually.
UNDRESS: The fewer clothes you have on, the closer you’ll feel. So strip before you chat. Cuddle up together naked to boost the love hormone Oxytocin to help you transition from talking to action. Being tactile with each other is bound to make you feel more comfortable talking.
VIDEO: A movie paints a thousand four-letter words, so show each other your favourite sex scenes from films. This is an easy, fun way to achieve erotic enlightenment without having to describe anything.
WRITE: If talking is too cringey, try exchanging notes, texts or even lust letters about your desires, fantasies and thrills. Keep a Saucy Suggestion Box in the bedroom, or simply sext each other from the same room.
X-RATED INSPIRATION: Browsing a few adult movies is a good way of sparking a chat about favourite positions, locations and fantasies. It’s also a very easy way to reveal what you AREN’T into.
YES PLEASE: Play the Yes game: ask your partner questions you think they’ll say “Yes” to: (“Do you like it when I kiss you? Do you prefer me in the black underwear?) to unlock their secrets. When they say No, swap.
ZONE: Create a sensual spot where you can totally relax and focus only on each other. Clear away any kids’ toys, turn off the TV, switch off your phones, and light some candles. Make sure it’s a private place where you’re free to let words turn into action . . .
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