My lover left her stalker husband and kids for me but now she's having doubts

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of waiting to be together, my lover and I left our spouses and set up home as a couple.

But now I worry she’ll give in to her husband’s emotional blackmail. She’s confused and misses him.


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I fell in love with this woman almost ten years ago, after meeting at a conference.

I’m 48, she’s 46. We had a passionate on-off affair and knew we wanted to be together but we both had young families and couldn’t tear them apart.

Although we tried to end things several times, we were always drawn back to each other.

We are soulmates, with so much in common and insane sexual chemistry. We often have sex four times in one night.

Her youngest child left home last year and there were no longer any obstacles in our way.

We agreed to tell our spouses and ask for a divorce.

My wife accepted it. We’d not been happy or had sex for years. However, my lover’s husband, who’s 50, didn’t want to let her go.

We’ve been living together for three months, but he won’t leave her alone. He keeps calling and even turns up at her work.

Once, he waited until I drove away then hammered on our door. Last week he persuaded her to spend time with him and the kids and they all went out for a meal together.

When she returned, she said she was having second thoughts. She says she loves me but loves him too, though not in a sexual way.

She thinks she needs to go back to him for the sake of her children and his mental health.

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I can see she’s confused but it hurts. Maybe I should go back to my wife.

I don’t want to end up alone.

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DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your lover is putting other people’s happiness ahead of her own, perhaps out of guilt for having an affair.

And maybe after so many years dreaming about leaving to be with you, the reality hasn’t matched up to her fantasy.

Things could be more complicated than she foresaw. It is worth talking to her again and asking if she is sure she is making the right choice.

But if she insists going back is right for her, there is not much you can do. You cannot change her feelings, however much you love her.

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Suggest you both go for relationship counselling. You have both been through huge change and it would help you to talk to someone impartial.

Contact Relate (relate.org.uk). Whatever happens, it would be unfair to go back to your ex-wife if you are just using her.

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