Is it EVER a good idea to send a nude photo? Tracey Cox reveals the dos and don’ts from laying the groundwork to the most flattering angles (and six ways to deal with an unwanted one)
- Tracey Cox revealed one third of under 45s sent nude photos during lockdown
- The sex expert shared tips on how to get creative sending a wanted sexy selfie
- Tips included starting with texts, teasing your partner, and not to share your face
Given I’ve spent the last 30 years writing and researching sex, the amount of unsolicited penis pics I’ve received in that time have been remarkably few.
I’m still shocked when they arrive but more in a ‘What on earth do they think is going to happen next?’ way.
Are they trying to make me laugh? (Most men would be horrified to discover this is the usual reaction.) Do they expect me to comment on their ‘manhood’? Ooh and ahh over how big it is? Ask them to hotfoot it over to ravage me? Or is it done simply to shock?
But turns out exhibitionism wasn’t the primary motivation for men who took part in a large study on genital selfies.
Most said – wait for it – they sent a photo of their bits as a form of flirtation. Forget flowers or love poems, today’s men think the way to a woman’s heart is to send a photo of their privates.
Most wearily delete them and get on with their day, shoulders just that little bit more slumped. Others feel offended, upset, violated and disgusted.
But that’s UNWANTED sexy photos. Sending a nude selfie to someone you don’t know and hasn’t asked for it might well land you a sexual harassment case. But sending one to your bored husband or wife, could well lead to the best sex you’ve had in ages.
Fancy giving it a whirl? Here’s some tips to keep you safe – and make sure you look as hot as you feel.
Sex expert Tracey Cox revealed sending ‘nudes’ sky-rocketed during lockdown with one third of under 45s sending racy photos to their partner (file image)
1. Mutual masturbation sessions on video. Zoom, What’s App, FaceTime. But, hey, you already been there and got the T-shirt on this one, right?
2. Video sex with sex toys. Using a vibrator is how lots of women orgasm; letting your partner see you use it on camera adds another dimension and variety. He can use a ‘stroker’ (male masturbatory sleeve) to make it seem like it’s your hand gripping him.
3. Teledildonic toys. They sound like a cross between a Tellytubbie and a dildo but are about to be your new best friends if you live apart. Teledildonic toys can all be controlled remotely via an app, so you don’t have to be in the same room to sexually stimulate each other. Try We-Vibe’s Synch or Fuse.
4. Couple’s apps help you stay connected long distance. They help you do everything from plan romantic evenings to ramp up your sex life.
5. Send a sexy voice note. A recording of you saying what you’ll do to them the next time you’re in the flesh, can be just as (if not more) sexy than a photo of your breasts.
Tracey, pictured, shared her tips which included starting with texts, teasing your partner, and not to share your face
HOW TO SEND A (WANTED) SEXY SELFIE
I know seven out of 10 strangers swap nudes on dating apps but I’m going to assume here that you’re sending it to your partner/friend with benefits.
Start by sending sexy texts:
Just as you wouldn’t jump into having intercourse without foreplay, you shouldn’t jump straight into sending a nude selfie without some kind of erotic build-up.
Check they’re up for it:
Sending a nude photo of yourself will always involve risk and vulnerability – but this is no bad thing. Especially in a long-term relationship where mystery and uncertainty are in short supply.
Some people love receiving nude photos of their partner, others are just plain embarrassed.
If you’ve never done it before to each other, suss them out by saying something like, ‘I wish I could show you how excited I am right now’. Or ask straight out: ‘Do you want to see a sexy pic of me?’.
Check it’s the right time to send:
Like, they’re not out drinking with six mates. Or having lunch with their mother.
Are you absolutely sure it’s consensual on every level?
Cut off your head and don’t include identifying features:
Tattoos. Unusual birth marks or moles. Hands with recognisable jewellery. Even if your partner can be 100 per cent trusted, phones get lost and they get hacked. Delete your end and get them to delete it theirs afterwards.
Assume the worst:
Unless it’s a partner you know extremely well and trust, always assume the person you send it to might show it to others.
SIX WAYS TO RESPOND TO AN UNWANTED PHOTO
Just got an X-rated, unpleasant surprise when you checked your phone? Here’s your options.
1. Name and shame – It’s a popular tactic – especially if the person is known to you and your group. Online though, if the person decides to retaliate, it can end up with you receiving even more abuse (from the original guy and his ‘supporters’). Ridiculing can be satisfying but can also backfire.
2. Block them – Though blocking them on your socials does mean they know they’ve ‘got to you’. If they’re sending the pics to shock, you’ve effectively given them what they want. You can mute or hide the sender, without them knowing.
3. Report them – If it’s over social media, report the account. There’s a good chance their account will be suspended or deleted. If it’s someone you work with, tell HR.
4. Let them know how unappreciated it is – and don’t mince words – Make it clear if it’s unacceptable, gross, a completely turn-off and an invasion of your privacy and sense of self. The majority of men who send unwanted DP’s, do it to a variety of women simultaneously. If all women responded with negativity, it might – eventually – bore them into stopping.
5. Ignore it and delete it – If it’s a one off and from a complete stranger, it’s probably the most sensible thing to do. You could be part of their ‘scatter gun’ tactic and you’ll never hear from them again. It they repeat it, then take action.
6. Speak to someone if you feel shaken up by it – It’s not unusual for women to feel very angry or upset afterwards.
Don’t go straight in with the booty prize. Instead tease with photos of a bra strap falling off a shoulder, your bra off but hands covering your breasts, the curve of a thigh or bottom. What’s hinted at can be sexier than revealing all.
Send photos of less traditionally sexy parts. A manly, hairy chest. The muscular ‘V’ leading down to the good bits. A six pack. A shoulder with a hint of side breast. Be creative in your shots as well. Lie on your stomach and take a photo over your shoulder of your bottom. Keep some clothes on and lift them up to offer a glimpse of something.
You don’t have to be naked:
Men adore lingerie shots. Even a pair of knickers hung over the doorknob, without you even in it, can be incredibly sexy. Men aren’t the only ones: posing in some tight Calvins can be way sexier than seeing the meat and two veg.
Get the lighting right:
Or use a filter. Natural light is more flattering than harsh, overhead lighting. Face the light source rather than have it behind you.
A video can be even sexier:
The obvious is to let the camera trail the length of your naked body; hot things up by filming a solo sex session. Even better, film it in semi-darkness. Not being able to see the action, just hear you moan, makes it more erotic not less.
Have a sense of humour:
Cheeky, funny nude pics are far better received than those when you take yourself way too seriously.
Don’t get paranoid if they don’t respond immediately:
Especially if you’re in different time zones but even if you’re not. Even if they’ve seen it, their boss might choose that moment to schedule a meeting or their mother might call.
Don’t feel obliged to reciprocate:
If you don’t want to, for whatever reason, you don’t have to. Never feel coerced or pressured.
To flatter your penis:
Don’t take it top down, from your own perspective. Instead, hold the phone level to your chest or lower. The further away you have the phone from you, the better. (Aren’t you glad you kept that old selfie stick?) Try using a self-timer to get the perfect pic.
No toilets in the shot:
Yes, we get it. It’s sometimes the only place you get the privacy to send them. But a little artful angling can surely get rid of the least sexy object in the world: a toilet bowl.
Is it ever OK for a guy to send an unsolicited nude selfie?
It might be if it’s to another man. While one study found 70 per cent of women of all sexual identities said their reaction to an unsolicited DP was negative (‘I felt grossed out’, ‘I felt disrespected’), the reaction from gay and bisexual men were more positive, with 44 per cent ‘entertained’ and 41 per cent ‘curious’.
Check out traceycox.com for more information on sex and relationships. Tracey’s podcast SexTok comes out on Tuesdays. You’ll find her products and books on traceycox.com.
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