ROLAND WHITE reviews last night’s TV: There were enough scandals here for a Jeffrey Archer weekend
Scandal: Jeffrey Archer & The Call Girl
Rating: ****
The Apprentice
Rating: ***
Making TV programmes about Jeffrey Archer’s somewhat colourful career must be like shooting fish in a barrel, except in this case the fish shouts ‘Over here!’ and ‘Look at me!’ and ‘Could I interest you in another glass of this delicious Krug champagne.’
Scandal: Jeffrey Archer & The Call-Girl (Channel 5) began by solemnly announcing: ‘Jeffrey Archer is the Teflon Tory. Nothing ever sticks’.
Honestly, have you ever heard such nonsense? Surely, over the years, there’s been no shortage of allegations coming Archer’s way that have indeed stuck.
In this programme alone there were tales of money, power, lies, sex scandals and tabloid exposure, a libel trial involving a prostitute, and evidence that he offered the prostitute money to leave the country.
There was also the small matter of a spell in prison for perjury, and the mystery of the world’s most loyal wife. There was enough material for a Jeffrey Archer Weekend, let alone a single programme.
And does the man himself seem remotely bothered by all this? Absolutely not. As the programme pointed out, as he waited to go on trial for perjury, he wrote a courtroom drama starring himself as the accused.
ROLAND WHITE: ‘Making TV programmes about Jeffrey Archer’s somewhat colourful career must be like shooting fish in a barrel’ (Archer pictured at home in London)
As former Tory MP Matthew Parris put it: ‘He’s either at the top or the bottom. When he’s at the bottom, he climbs to the top’.
What we didn’t get last night, because we never do, is a convincing answer to the question why. Why is he like this? And, perhaps more baffling, why has his wife Mary stuck by him so loyally?
After all these years, I don’t suppose we’ll ever know.
You can imagine Archer as a contestant in The Apprentice (BBC1). He’d boast about inventing the home computer and the mobile phone before being booted out in episode four for some outrageous irregularity.
The series is a very misleading advert for business. It gives every impression that running a company is all luxury hotels, smart cars, and power suits.
Perhaps its greatest achievement has been to turn the office meeting, the most mind-numbing and dreary occupation in the known universe, into comedy gold. Take last night’s final. Was it such a bright idea to let two men design a ladies hair salon?
Finalist Rochelle’s pitch was for a nationwide chain catering for all types of hair. Former contestants Avi and Joe were given the task of bringing the salon to life.
Winner of the latest series of the BBC programme The Apprentice, Marnie Swindells with Lord Sugar in the boardroom of Amshold House in Loughton, Essex
It had to be classy. It had to feminine (or ‘femenin’ as Joe wrote on the ideas whiteboard). ‘What is a very feminine animal or object?’ wondered Avi. They hit upon . . . the flamingo. Was it because they’re pink, chaps?
‘If we have that,’ Joe enthused, ‘without doubt it would be classy.’ Judge Tim Campbell’s face was a picture.
The contestants are clearly picked because they are people who can say ‘Smash it!’ and ‘Hit me with tough love, Brad!’ while keeping a straight face.
In the end, it was lawyer and amateur boxer Marnie who smashed it and won investment for her boxing-gyms idea.
She gave a very professional presentation in front of industry experts, while Rochelle had no real answer to Lord Sugar’s killer question: ‘Why has it taken you 14 years to have just one salon?’
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