I put my toddler down for a nap then never saw him alive again – he'd had a mild cold, but I wasn't worried | The Sun

MUM Claire Smith tells of the heartbreaking experience of losing her toddler.

Claire, 42, is an entrepreneur and lives in Yearsley, North Yorkshire, with husband Lee, 42, a company director, and their children Brooke, eight, and twins Charlie and Jack, three.

Walking into my son Harry’s bedroom to wake him from his nap, I knew immediately something was wrong, as the room was too quiet.

I stood over his cot and he was lying face down and motionless. When I turned him over and saw his face and lips were blue, panic gripped me. 

An hour later, I sat by his bedside in A&E trying to process the fact that my beautiful, 21-month-old boy was dead. I couldn’t even cry, I was in such deep shock.

Despite the efforts of the paramedics, who’d come quickly after I’d dialled 999, it had proved impossible to bring him back.

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Born on July 19, 2016, Harry was my second child, a baby brother to Brooke.

He had the most wonderful smile, bright blue eyes and such a happy, affectionate, easy-going personality, loving Thomas The Tank Engine. Apart from some allergies, he was a healthy little boy. 

The week leading up to his death, he’d had a mild cold, but I wasn’t worried.

On the day he died, April 6, 2018, I put him down for a nap and had no idea as I kissed his soft cheek that I’d never see him alive again.

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At the hospital, Lee and I were interviewed by police shortly after Harry died, to determine whether we had in some way caused his death, and we were unable to go home until the next day while our house was searched, in case it was a crime scene.

It only added to our trauma. Brooke, then three and a half, was cared for by a friend and when she was brought home the following day, we explained that Harry had died.

But she was too young to understand, and kept asking when he was coming back.

We held Harry’s funeral on May 10, 2018. The nursery rhyme Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star was played and I read a letter I’d written in which I told Harry to be “the brightest star in the sky”.

In June 2018, the coroner called to tell me Harry’s cause of death was being recorded as viral pneumonia.

I suffered a panic attack and sank to the ground – how could I not have realised he was so ill? It was my fault.

Once the initial shock faded, I questioned the coroner’s findings. Harry had been well that day, bar a bit of a sniffle – if he’d had pneumonia, I’d have known.

It took over two years, but in October 2020, after many discussions with medical professionals, the pathologist who’d performed Harry’s post-mortem issued a new death certificate.

It gave SUDC – sudden unexplained death in childhood – as the cause of death. I’d already come across information about SUDC and had reached out to the charity SUDC UK for support.

But I didn’t feel at peace, as we still didn’t know why he had died.

In December 2018, while on holiday in New Zealand – as we couldn’t face Christmas at home without Harry – I fell pregnant.

At the 12-week scan, we learnt I was having twins, and Jack and Charlie were born in September 2019.

We had heart monitors under their mattresses, baby cameras and all sorts of safety gadgets when they were little, because we were terrified something would happen to them.

Brooke loves the twins so much and is very protective of them, but carries a lot of anxiety, too – she has had dreams in which they have died.

We’re considering getting her some counselling when she’s older. Lee and I both had counselling at the time of Harry’s death and have always been open about our feelings, which has kept us strong as a couple.

The support I’ve had from SUDC UK, and other parents I’ve met through it, has been so important. We are a community nobody wants to be part of, but we understand each other.

Now we’re a family of six, but one of us is always missing. We talk about Harry a lot and have photos of him around the house.

Jack and Charlie – who both have Harry as their middle name – love to play with his teddies.

A few days ago marked the fifth anniversary of his death and as always, I relived the hours before he died, swamped with guilt, asking what did I miss that could have saved him.

That’s the legacy of SUDC – the forever wondering and searching for answers.

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Every day, I feel grateful for Brooke, Jack and Charlie, but I also live with the agony of not knowing why I am a bereaved mother to Harry.

• For more information, visit Sudc.org.uk.

BTW

SUDC is the fourth leading category of death for children aged one to four years old in the UK.*

There are more unexplained childhood deaths in one to nine year olds than those due to traffic accidents.*

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