InLalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for a year. The first time it ended was because he started pulling away and I suspected there was someone else involved. I gave him space for a month before losing it and criticising him, he then said we were over. We had a month apart and then we came back together and tried again but this time I was far too anxious because of what had happened last time. He was being uncommunicative, and I was feeling depressed and anxious and that wasn’t helping.
Then it was my birthday in February, and I heard nothing from him at all, so I messaged and asked if I could call him, and he said I’d need to wait until he’d finished watching a film. That upset me and so we had a gap after that until about 6 weeks ago when I contacted him, and we’ve now ended up dating again.
About two weeks ago we agreed that we aren’t seeing anyone else, we go out on dates, but we haven’t labelled it as a relationship yet. Things seemed to be going well until I noticed that his ex keeps popping up on his phone. I tried to ignore it and put it to the back of my mind, but I found myself in floods of tears driving home. This week he was not being forthcoming about what he was doing but after pushing him for answers he told me he was going out running with her. I was gutted. He told me I had nothing to worry about and it was the same as me hanging out with my male friends, but I haven’t slept with my male friends or had relationships with them.
It’s made me feel anxious, but I don’t know how to bring up how it’s made me feel without ruining things again, I feel like if I tell him how uncomfortable I am with it he will just leave again. I seem to have a habit of letting people do whatever whilst trying to be chill even though I’m hurting a lot. I’ve been single for six years after being with a controlling partner, in that time I’ve only had situationships where nobody wants me to meet their friends or family and I’m ultimately hidden away.
Lala says,
A situationship is the worst kind of ship for someone with an anxious attachment style to ride on, and you may have an anxious attachment style. A situationship is defined by the fact that you’re both seeing each other regularly but you’re not really clear about what you are, usually one person is happy for things to casually flow whilst the other is secretly desperate for more but doesn’t want to rock the boat by making requests for how they want to be treated in case they scare the other person away. The thing that’s important to establish is whether you have brought anxiety to this situation because you’re anxiously attached or suffer with anxiety, and therefore your insecurities might be present even if there weren’t any red flags, or whether his behaviour is causing you to have very reasonable anxiety. ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F Heller is a good place to start in thinking about your own attachment style and what you might bring to this.
Let’s break down the things that have caused you to wobble – the first time around he was blowing hot and cold, and your gut told you that there were other women in his life. The second time around you remained anxious, and his lack of communication made this worse, ultimately resulting in you feeling neglected on your birthday. The third time around he has been having hidden communication with his ex and is now spending regular time with her and minimising how you feel about it. I don’t think that your anxiety is misplaced. It feels to me as though he has never made you feel fully secure, you’ve never fully trusted him, his communication style leaves you feeling confused, and his ongoing relationship with his ex-girlfriend compounds all of that. I think you’d be less stressed about the ex if you felt safe and clear about where you stood. Whilst some people maintain platonic relationships with exes, it’s not unreasonable for you to feel suspicious about this.
The question you need to ask yourself, preferably with the help of atherapist is why you keep going back and expecting a different outcome. Is it familiarity that keeps you returning? Is it because you’ve been made to feel unlovable and unworthy by your previous partners and so you’re clinging on to the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve better? If our internal narrative is that we are unworthy, then we can find ourselves heading into situations that confirm our thoughts.
You sound like a people pleaser. You would choose suffering in silence over the potential of being rejected for setting boundaries. This is something that needs work. You need to find your confidence and your voice, and you need to come to a place where you aren’t willing to compromise your needs for fear of being alone. Practice setting boundaries and saying how you feel. The worst thing that could happen is that he could walk away – and to be honest, I don’t think that would be a bad thing for you. It’s not like he’s filling your life with joy.
It's so hard pretending to be a cool chill woman when you are in fact an anxious and very unchilled woman, especially when that pretence is happening for a person who fills you with anxiety. We all know that guys love a ‘chill’ girl, but chilled usually means someone who won’t kick off when they act like a f***boy, so don’t aspire to be that girl. Aspire to be the one who sets boundaries, says how she feels, and is far happier to be single than to be left confused by a man.
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