DEAR DEIDRE: I have always been a daddy’s girl, but Alzheimer’s has stripped away every characteristic that I loved about my father.
He was always about tough love, never sugar coated anything or indulged me. He wanted me to stand on my own feet without the need for any props.
He had an incredible love for nature, and was endlessly cheery.
He was my larger than life dad who would excitedly wake me and my brother up early to see birds migrating or drag us up mountains to appreciate the views.
But now when I visit my dad the strong strapping man full of energy and life has disappeared. Instead a tiny, emaciated and vacant man remains.
I am 51 and dad is 78.
Most days he doesn’t even recognise me. He can’t walk five steps without falling and needs help with even the most basic of functions.
I loved him so much and feel so awful for admitting this, but most days I just wish he would die. I want his suffering to end.
That’s such an awful thing for any child to say – isn’t it? How terrible am I?
I feel so desperately sad. I can’t reconcile the feelings of loss I feel for my dad, when he is still alive.
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Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Losing a loved one to dementia means a prolonged and often difficult period. I’m sorry you’re losing your dad to Alzheimer’s.
You are experiencing anticipatory grief, where the person you love is still alive, but you know their death is imminent.
You have the added burden of grieving for the man he was, even though he is still alive.
I understand why you would wish his life to end; but there is no need to feel guilty. You are still thinking of his best interests and are putting his needs first.
Take each day at a time and be kind to yourself.
Do talk to a trusted friend or relative about how you are feeling.
You can email the Dear Deidre team [email protected] or contact the Alzheimer’s Society (alzheimer’s.org.uk) who will support you.
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