CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: My abused cousin has become prey to scroungers
Q: My lovely cousin was once a battered wife and very hard-up, but two years ago she received a huge payout following botched surgery. However, she’s now fallen prey to scroungers, one of whom she met in a women’s refuge.
This freeloader claims to be broke so my cousin pays for everything when they go out for a meal or to the cinema. The other leech is the daughter of my cousin’s late partner.
He was a kind man who was instrumental in securing the payout for my cousin – writing all the letters to the solicitors. His daughter hasn’t inherited this trait.
She is flat broke after parents of a child who was hurt in her garden sued her and she had to get a loan to pay the compensation. She’s full of rage and whinges about her poverty, so my cousin constantly bails her out.
This week, someone asks Caroline for advice and says they are worried about their cousin being taken advantage of (stock image)
Even though this ‘stepdaughter’ is nearly 50, she’s even suggested my cousin pay for her to go on holiday. I’m sure she thinks she is ‘owed’ because of the help given by her dad.
My cousin says it won’t break the bank, but I don’t think that someone should always pay just because they’re better off.
When my cousin was poor, she never once asked me for money. How do I toughen her up?
A: It is lovely that you want to protect your cousin, but the situation is not straightforward. Firstly, I wince at your use of the term ‘freeloader’.
Anyone who’s had to escape an abusive partner by fleeing to a refuge may be forgiven to some extent – surely – for not being great with money, or lacking the self-esteem and help needed to get a better-paid job.
These trips out, financed by your cousin, may be the only time this ‘freeloader’ gets to do nice things.
Similarly, the ‘stepdaughter’ may have genuine money worries after what sounds like a difficult and expensive experience. Your cousin’s been to rock bottom herself so knows what it is like to be broke and scared.
I’m sure also that because she loved her late partner, she wants to ensure his daughter is OK.
While it sounds as if he did much to help your cousin’s self-esteem, there will be emotional scars from the marriage before him and she will find it hard to say no.
Don’t get me wrong, I do think these women are perhaps taking advantage and, of course, your cousin needs to be more assertive.
Also, for their own sakes, they need to learn to be more financially independent. Perhaps you could persuade your cousin to guide them towards moneyhelper.org.uk for support in sorting out their finances.
Her ‘stepdaughter’ also needs help (perhaps counselling) with her rage. Meanwhile, you may have to accept your cousin is never going to be as assertive as you’d like, so go gently – keep listening to her and offer support.
If you’re careful not to be too overbearing, she’ll be more likely to make the changes at her own pace.
I REALLY LIKE HIM BUT I’M TERRIFIED OF HIS DOG
Q: I am in my 50s and after a divorce a few years ago I finally plucked up the courage to start dating again. Following a few false starts, I met a man I really liked.
The problem is he has got a big, very boisterous dog. I was bitten as a child and while I have got used to some smaller dogs owned by friends, I found his huge hound overwhelming when I stayed with him for what proved to be a disastrous weekend.
I told him that I didn’t like the dog jumping all over me – but he just laughed and said that he was playing and I would get used to it. So I walked out.
He has since left me a voicemail to say that he is really sorry and that perhaps he was too dismissive of my feelings.
I am not sure what to think and I wonder if there is any point in us continuing.
A: While his initial reaction suggested he was rather an insensitive man, he has certainly redeemed himself with his subsequent message.
He’s seen he should have been more considerate of your fears and, importantly, he has apologised nicely.
This is a good sign as so many people find it hard to say sorry and instead try to justify their actions. So, if it were me, I’d probably give him the benefit of the doubt.
As for the dog, there’s a huge difference between being boisterous and dangerous. You do need to establish that his is simply overenthusiastic and not aggressive.
If this man genuinely wants to get to know you and is worth your consideration for a long-term relationship, perhaps he could find a dog training class to help calm his pet.
You could go with him – it would be fun and may help you with your fear.
- If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
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