How to overcome adversity and grief WITHOUT spending thousands on therapy: Celebrity mental health expert reveals brilliant tips for dealing with life’s toughest times – in the final part of his eye-opening guide to becoming your OWN therapist
- Mental health expert and best-selling author Owen O’Kane shares DIY therapy tips in his new book How to Be Your Own Therapist
- In the final part of his inspirational DailyMail.com series, Owen reveals coping skills that will help you through life’s toughest times
- From the loss of a loved one to periods of crisis, the celebrity psychotherapist reveals how you can serve as your own therapist when life throws a curve ball
Life is constantly throwing curve balls, and no matter how hard we might try to fight it, we all encounter adversity thanks to sudden changes, bereavement, illness, crisis and disappointment.
It is during these times that we can often feel at our lowest and end up questioning everything in our lives. Why is this happening to me? Will I ever feel happy again? How on earth can I possibly overcome these feelings of dread, despair, and isolation?
For many, the light at the end of these dark tunnels is found in professional therapy – an effective, yet very pricey, process that helps to untangle the most complicated webs of emotion during times of hardship.
But in recent years, professional therapy has become so costly that the majority of people have been left unable to afford it – with a third of Americans admitting in 2022 that they’d had to quit therapy because they could not longer face the cost – which can be up to tens of thousands of dollars a year.
Thankfully, there is another option. Becoming your own therapist. That’s where celebrity psychotherapist Owen O’Kane comes in.
Psychotherapist to the stars Owen O’Kane has revealed a toolbox of techniques to help you cope with life’s most difficult periods, from the loss of a loved one to bitter disappointment
In an eye-opening three-part series for DailyMail.com, the mental health expert – and author of the new book How to Be Your Own Therapist – has shared a step-by-step guide for becoming your own therapist – providing a toolbox of daily techniques that will enable you to ditch harmful thought patterns and overcome even the most anxiety-provoking hurdles.
Now, in his final installment, Owen – who has more than 25 years of experience in mental and physical health care and a wealth of celebrity clients – is revealing how to put these tools to use when you find yourself trying to swallow one of life’s most bitter pills, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, heartache, or a painful upheaval.
‘Most of us have never been taught how to deal with adversity: our first bereavement, heartbreak, loss and so on,’ Owen explains. ‘We arrive in adulthood with few coping skills for these painful and inevitable life events.’
There are some key stages which most of us go through when faced with a major curve ball, says Owen, adding that he often witnesses people trying to just go on with life as normal, without taking any time to process or deal with the event that has happened.
He says: ‘I often see clients in states of denial, avoidance, or detachment. Whilst short term this might serve as an agent for “numbing” or “not feeling”, longer term it creates challenges. Eventually the person has to face the pain.’
Owen’s new book, How to Be Your Own Therapist, is a step-by-step crash course that helps you to help yourself with a simple series of exercises that can bring about the same inner calm that a professional therapist would charge you thousands to achieve.
Yesterday, Owen explained how to do this in just ten minutes per day But, mindful of times of adversity, here he shares some quick, high-impact coping strategies for those times when your ten-minute daily self-therapy isn’t enough.
PERIODS OF CHANGE
Change is part of life but something many of us find challenging. We often seek stability, predictability and order. Feeling safe is one of the most important contributors to healthy childhood development. Periods of change can threaten that feeling of safety in children, leaving them feeling unsettled and exposed.
It’s the same with adults, particularly when experiences trigger distressing memories of change or adversity during childhood.
‘Change can leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed. At worst it can lead to always seeking safety and a refusal to take risk’ Owen believes this is a travesty as it leads to a multitude of lost possibilities.
WHAT HELPS?
- Embrace change courageously and curiosity knowing there are lessons contained within these experiences.
- Create a sense of ‘internal’ familiarity during period of change by committing to some of your normal daily routines.
- Push yourself to face and get involved with the day-to-day aspects of whatever the change is. This will feel uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Work at a pace that you can manage without feeling overwhelmed. Keep in contact with friends and family who are able to offer helpful support.
- Observe your expectations and be aware that small steps at a gentle pace will be enough to start with.
- Remind yourself that the vulnerable feelings you have may not be directly linked to the change but rather some old memories or beliefs that have been triggered.
- Give yourself time. Adjusting to change requires patience.
Safety behaviors are likely to emerge in which you may want to run away or avoid the change. This is simply an anxiety mechanism and doing the opposite will be more helpful longer term.
There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel during a period of change. Your experience is your experience. Turn up the self-compassion a few notches.
Disappointment is a horrible feeling. That sinking realization in your gut that something hasn’t worked out as planned (stock image)
TIMES OF DISAPPOINTMENT
Disappointment is a horrible feeling. That sinking realization in your gut that something hasn’t worked out as planned.
It could be that you didn’t get the promotion you were promised, the new home you set your heart on has fallen through, you didn’t get the grades you needed, the relationship you thought would make it to the altar has ended, your IVF treatment has failed or you’ve discovered one of your children is dependent on drugs.
‘It might not be one single event. Maybe life simply hasn’t worked out as you hoped it would. Disappointment is part of life. It shakes our foundations. I hear about disappointment every day in my practice,’ Owen explains.
‘Every one of us has used phrases like: ‘I can’t believe this hasn’t worked out’ ‘This is just my luck,’ ‘I’m doomed’ ‘Life isn’t fair’ ‘Why do good things never happen to me?’ ‘I don’t see the point in trying anymore’ ‘I should just give up.’
Disappointment activates a very strong personalized response. It feels like the world is out to get you. ‘It’s healthy to feel and acknowledge disappointment. But the problem is getting stuck or falling into the trap of being triggered unnecessarily,’ he cautions. Whilst disappointment can feel very personal, often it is circumstantial and part of life. It also comes with a host of lessons , says Owen.
WHAT HELPS?
When it comes to dealing specifically with disappointments, there are a few additional psychological tools that could come in handy:
- Become familiar with what disappointment feels like for you, and how you normally respond. If you’re easily triggered in certain situations, create space by allocating time during and after those situations insofar as they can’t be anticipated to your distress to settle.
- Do a check-in. Ask yourself: how important is this? Are there other possibilities? Is there another way of looking at this?
- Trust the process, you can’t control the outcome. Allow yourself to let go that expectation and just be.
- Remain open to other possibilities. There is a wise saying: ‘When one door closes, another opens.’
- Review your tolerance levels when life doesn’t deliver what you want or expect. Life doesn’t work the way we think it should. Life expects us to work with it hard to swallow open to.
- What can this teach you? We learn more from disappointments and setbacks that we do from successes so long as we keep our minds open enough to hear those lessons.
- Salvage what you can from the circumstances rather than being paralyzed by the disappointment. Many ‘successful’ people have allowed disappointment to teach them.
CRISIS PERIODS
What constitutes a crisis can mean different things for different people. Owen defines a crisis as those times in life when your sense of stability and ability to cope are significantly compromised, or put simply, normal everyday functioning is a real struggle and you feel overwhelmingly out of control, hopeless, powerless and despairing. There may be times when you have suicidal ideation or intent.
‘Remember, this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you as a person. It simply means you are unwell. You are in crisis,’ says Owen.
This isn’t just a bad day or a rough patch. And you shouldn’t do this alone.’
Emotional distress is probably highly elevated chemically, your brain releasing a surge of stress hormones, so accessing rational responses becomes almost impossible. Day to day functioning is impaired. communication becomes difficult. Relationships can feel challenging, and it all generally feels like too much, leaving you incredibly isolated.
‘This isn’t a time for therapy or working on patterns. This is a time for seeking help that enables you to return to a place of stability. When I meet a person in crisis, they often say they feel weak or ashamed that they have got to this point,’ says Owen.
‘I respond by reminding them that there is no reason to feel shame, and that they are the opposite of weak. The fact that they can carry on putting one foot in front of the other when you’re feeling the way you do demonstrates enormous courage and strength. No one chooses to get to a point of crisis. Sometimes life is the real issue. There’s no failure shame in crisis. I see only bravery, humanity and a fellow human being who needs help to stand up again.’
WHAT HELPS?
- Acknowledge that you’re overwhelmed and ask for help. This is hard but when you speak to a professional, they will have seen this a thousand times before. They will understand you’re in crisis and will be able to help you.
- Don’t be afraid to stop or pull back from normal everyday activities that are too much you.
- This isn’t the time to try and work out what’s going on, or find practical or logistical solutions to commitments in your life. Hand this over to others temporarily if you can’t. The priority now is getting the right help and support to get you back to the place of stability. This is not a solo journey.
- Share with a few trusted people close to you that you are in crisis and ask them to to be your emergency contacts. This way they can carry out the unavoidable duties you would normally be doing, bring food, help with household chores and childcare. Let your workplace, know you won’t be coming in, or just come over and listen, even if it’s in the middle of the night.
- Medication is sometimes suggested during these periods and, short term, can be incredibly helpful. Always discuss with a trained professional, the best options for you.
- If you are struggling to cope, always seek professional help. And remember, crisis periods are temporary, and they do end. You can get through this. If you ever feel the need for immediate help or support Samaritans USA are a great resource 1 (800) 273-TALK
Emotions in the early stages of grief have no order or predictability. Sadness, anger, emptiness, bewilderment, in fact, any emotion can erupt unexpectedly like a volcano. All you can do is hold tight and wait until it passes (stock image)
Key facts about grief
Emotions in the early stages of grief have no order or predictability. Sadness, anger, emptiness, bewilderment, in fact, any emotion can erupt unexpectedly like a volcano. All you can do is hold tight and wait until it passes.
People won’t always understand your loss. And their insensitivity is more often linked to a sense of powerlessness rather than them being uncaring.
Guilt is a given. Grief will always raise questions, such as could I have done more? Should I have seen them more? This can be the mind’s way of distracting us from the reality that the person on our life has gone. And for those of us with those self-critical thought patterns, our inner saboteur can run riot.
There are no shortcuts to dealing with grief and there is no time limit.
The pain eventually eases and it is possible to learn to live without the other person.
Life goes on. But it can never be the same. And that’s okay.
BEREAVEMENT
Loss is inevitable in life. We have all lost people we love, we will continue to lose people we love. Life and death is a natural order.
‘The first half of my career was spent in palliative care environments, working with people who were terminally ill. A large part involved bereavement support for families after their loved one had died. I became aware that grief impacts different people differently. And it doesn’t always look the same from the outside,’ says Owen.
‘Grief is not that simple or predictable. Sometimes it can be complex and people do become stuck. But it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with them or how they’re grieving. Grieving people need patience, time, and a lot of understanding as healing from grief is painful.’
WHAT HELPS?
- Know that there isn’t a one size fits all remedy for grief.
- Self-care and self-compassion is vital, especially as many of your physical and psychological resources will be significantly depleted.
- Create as much space and time as possible to allow yourself to grieve.
- Talk when you need to. Your grief needs to be processed and talking enables that to happen.
- Ask for support when you need it.
- Surround yourself with people who allow you to be sad when you need to be.
- Create some flexibility in your routine. It’s impossible to go on as ‘normal,’ particularly in the early days.
- Remember, you are not falling apart – you are trying to come to terms with a significant loss.
- Don’t be ashamed into thinking there’s a right or wrong way to grieve. This is a very individual journey.
- When you’re ready, try to celebrate the good memories of person you are grieving.
- Manage your grief one step at a time. Hour by hour, day by day.
- Remember that you can survive this.
Keep your cool even in the toughest of times: How to boost your psychological flexibility
It’s amazing how we can go from feeling like the Dalai Lama to the Hulk in a second. Our thoughts, feelings and reactions to life are always in a constant state of flux, just like the weather.
There will, however, be negative things that recur again and again. It’s just that our lives are so busy, we might not be conscious of the issues that routinely plague us until we choose to be actively aware of our moods, thoughts and behaviors.
We are often at war with others without fully understanding why we feel so hurt and angry, often seemingly disproportionately so. So it’s important to bring your awareness to your fluctuating emotional states and put yourself back in the driving seat of your life.
This is called psychological flexibility and is important to bring into every day life to stop ourselves suddenly becoming derailed and de-centered if people or situations upset us.
Stop for a moment and consider how often you misinterpret others’ words, gestures, facial expressions and behaviors every day. Consider also how much distress this causes if you don’t stop to examine whether your initial assumption is true or not.
Many of us have the potential to write blockbuster movies because we don’t stop to check.
‘I’d like to recount the scenario, as experienced by a client of mine, Jake,’ recalls Owen. ‘Jake has plans to meet a friend for lunch and he doesn’t turn up. To make matters worse, he spots a post on social media showing his friend having lunch with another friend. He is disappointed and furious.
‘In the heat of the moment, Jake messages his friend, saying he never wants to see him again. Jake has been triggered by what he perceives to be a rejection from his friend and this has activated a host of negative thoughts and underlying beliefs.
‘His thought patterns are: “Why would he do that? I must be a terrible friend. Nobody cars about me. I’m going to end up alone. I hate him for doing this. I’m a loser.”
‘And yet his underlying beliefs are: “I’m a disappointment. This must be my fault. People always reject me. I’m not good enough.” As you would expect, this impacts negatively on the rest of Jake’s day.’
Fast forward and Jake’s friend comes to see him at home because he is baffled by the text and doesn’t understand why Jake is angry with him. He shows Jake a text that he had received from him earlier in the morning that read: ‘Can’t make today. Let’s rearrange for next week.’
Jake intended to send this text to a work colleague to cancel a meeting, and mistakenly sent it to his friend who made alternative plans for lunch. None of Jake’s thoughts or interpretations were accurate.
‘In psychology we call this cognitive misinterpretation. It causes drama and many problems for people. It’s incredible the stories our minds can produce,’ says Owen.
‘Jake could have called his friend to clarify the situation or re-checked his messages. He could have factored in the history of a long-standing loyal friendship. But when he was triggered, he fell into the trap of a highly emotive response.
‘It is your responsibility to be aware of where your thinking is at and of what amendments you can make to improve those thoughts.’
It’s natural and normal that other people will continue to trigger you and you can’t stop those triggers. But you can learn to respond better. Ask yourself this question: what would a more helpful flexible response be?
It takes daily practice but the more you can challenge these behaviors, the more progress you will make. Remember, every time you substitute a negative response with a healthy response, you change your neural pathways. For example, maybe you have the same argument with your partner or housemate again, and again, where they’re upset that you haven’t washed the dishes.
They feel that you’re not respecting them, you react strongly with something hurtful, and they become extremely upset so. Later, during your self-therapy, you reflect and recognize that some old behaviors were playing out. You were avoidant and self focused in the first instance.
When this is pointed out to you patterns of anger, projection and defensiveness emerged. You made the other person the problem. The reality is they aren’t.
‘They have held up a mirror to you reflecting your weakness and imperfections back at you. These are hard to accept. Even harder is the shame of someone else seeing those imperfections. So it’s easier to fight back. I wonder how often something like this happens in your day and in all our days?’ Owen says.
But what would a more psychological flexible and healthier response look like? You haven’t done the dishes and your partner is upset and says you’re not respecting them. Before you respond and do more damage to your relationship, pause for a moment. This allows the red mist to dissipate.
Now ask yourself: What is going on with me now? And how can I respond well to this? A brief’s moment of reflection quietens your mind and helps you realize that you have been unreasonable and that you are being avoidant and a little selfish. It stops a defensive reaction.
Acknowledge this to the other person and assure them that you will work on it. They respond calming and say thank you. You then do the washing-up. War has been avoided.
‘This is what I mean by healthy responses and psychological flexibility. You have acknowledged, taken responsibility and reacted respectfully. The difference in outcome is immense. Your day is calmer and more peaceful,’ advises Owen. ‘Healthy behaviors contribute to healthy outcomes.’
HOW TO BE YOUR OWN THERAPIST by Owen O’Kane is out now (Harper Collins $14.99)
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