Written by Eve Upton-Clark
The hashtag #stayathomegirlfriend has over 117 million views on TikTok – but is a life of leisure in exchange for financial dependency on a partner really what women want, asks journalist Eve Upton-Clarke
The video starts with a soft voice over. “This is everything I did for my boyfriend today,” it says as the screen shows a woman making her and her partner’s morning coffees. We then watch as she makes the bed and leisurely starts on breakfast (creamy eggs on toast). Next up laundry folding and more meal prepping. The day ends with a candlelit dinner.
Compared to the many TikTok trends promoting productivity and hustle culture (just think of the hullabaloo surrounding the ‘that girl’ trend, which sees women list their elaborate morning routines, workout schedules and to-do lists), it’s easy to see how this scenario could look idyllic to some. The only stress involved in the woman’s day is deciding what she and her boyfriend should eat. The video is, of course, part of the app’s current ‘stay-at-home girlfriend’ trend, which is causing a number of young women to take to social media and declare themselves as being over the ‘wake-up-and-grind’ mentality. Instead, they are dreaming of a different life where the only thing to tick off their to-do list is pilates at 2pm and bake banana bread.
The idea of the housewife is of course nothing new – what is new, however, is the fact that living a life funded entirely by your partner is suddenly aspirational to 20-somethings previously consumed with Girl Boss culture. Similarly, this wave of enthusiasm for stay-at-home-girlfriend content seems to have gained popularity off the back of various ‘slow-living’ and ‘soft-life’ trends, which too encourage pushing back against hustle-culture in favour of a more mindful existence. And this kind of thinking is hardly niche – the hashtag #stayathomegirlfriend has racked up up over 117 million TikTok views, with many young women proclaiming new aspirations for a life without work with their partner bearing the financial brunt. Half of the viewers of these videos seem to be jealous. The other half are deeply critical. Just look at the comments under Kendel Kay, a 25 year old self-described stay-at-home girlfriend’s TikTok. “I think people forget humans weren’t put on this earth to work,” one user writes. “All these comments scream jealousy,” writes another.
“Rising trends are like pendulums, they swing in opposite directions,” says Natasha Mahtani, a relationship and divorce coach. “Over the last decade, we’ve seen a rise in ‘girl bosses’, women constantly hustling and female CEOs growing in numbers. On the other hand, many women are tired of the new expectations of hustle culture and are choosing to opt out.”
Work isn’t always fun, after all, particularly in the context of the current moment. Post-pandemic, people are chronically overworked with smaller teams and heavier workloads. It was during the pandemic, too, that people’s attitudes towards work changed drastically, triggering many to quit their jobs during The Great Resignation. In the current cost-of-living crisis, women are also disproportionately affected by low pay and spiralling living costs according to research by the Living Wage Foundation. And so, the idea of finding a partner who can support you financially is suddenly appealing to women who may previously have rejected the notion.
There are, however, also glaring issues with the trend. Money, in many cases, also equals power in a relationship – and if you’re financially dependent on a person, it’s important to remember you’re often handing over your freedom to someone else. Greater freedom and autonomy after all, was the driving reason behind women entering the workforce in the first place. Promoting the ‘stay-at-home’ lifestyle without careful consideration of the risks involved, is undoubtedly a step backwards for feminism, even if it feels like empowerment in the moment.
Kay, however, doesn’t feel this way. “This arrangement came about naturally and progressively,” she explains. “I was making my own income at the beginning of our relationship but at one point decided it would be best for us if I stopped working. We had many conversations about our life goals and how mine was to be a housewife and stay-at-home mother at some point.”
Mahtani, too, sees why this lifestyle might appeal to some. “It could allow a woman to pursue further education, learn a new skill or indulge in a hobby, without having the burden of a job. Potentially it could give a woman the time and space to start a side hustle too,” she says.
But there’s no denying it is also normalising financial dependency on a partner. Anxiety about financial instability is already a reality for so many women, with the rising cost of living only exacerbating this. Daydreaming about a life free of financial responsibility may be fun, but it is also a vulnerable position that could tip over to financial abuse at any moment.
“While I believe a woman has the right to choose how to live her life, the biggest red flag for me is potential financial abuse,” explains Mahtani. “As a relationship and divorce coach, I see many women stuck in unhealthy and toxic relationships simply because they can’t afford to leave. The insidious side effect of this trend is the normalisation of women being dependent on a partner, without the same protection given to a civil partnership. It also leaves a woman vulnerable as she would have gaps in her work experience should the relationship end and she needs to go back to work.”
Like many creators, Kay isn’t concerned. “To me the biggest risks reap the biggest rewards. I’ve always been a risk taker when it comes to finances and career,” she explains. “While I currently have no income, I’ve never felt more secure. Ideally your relationship lasts a lifetime so putting time, love, and energy into that person is an investment for the long haul.”
Spending your time watching the polished ideal of someone else’s day is bound to bring about an unsettling mix of envy and comparison. In our current economic turmoil, too, it’s hard to blame people for searching for meaning, or a way of living, outside the tediousness of work – even if this trend in particular is misguided. Not everyone wants to be a stay-at-home girlfriend. But, also, not everyone can be.
Image: Getty
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