Mother, 23, who practises ‘gentle parenting’ meaning she hardly ever says ‘no’ to her daughter and doesn’t raise her voice reveals she has been accused of ‘raising a snowflake’
- Namwila Mulwanda, 23, from Colchester, Essex, has a 17-month old daughter
- She and her partner Zephi are raising Nhyara using ‘gentle parenting’ approach
- They encourage their daughter to ‘express her emotions’ – even in a tantrum
A woman who claims she grew up with ‘authoritarian parents’ now practises ‘gentle parenting’ – meaning she never says ‘no’ to her daughter.
Namwila Mulwanda, 23, claims the ‘strict African Household’ she was raised in affected her mental health, and the experience has turned her against heavily disciplining her 17-month-old daughter Nhyara.
Instead, Namwila and her partner Zephi, from Colchester, Essex, follow ‘gentle parenting’ – which means they encourage Nhyara to express her emotions (even when she is having a tantrum) and hardly ever tell her ‘no’.
Although she claims she has been accused of ‘raising a snowflake’, she insists it’s the right approach to parenting.
Namwila Mulwanda, 23, practises ‘gentle parenting’ with her 17-month-old daughter, Nhyahra (pictured with her mother)
Namwila (pictured with Nhyara and her partner Zephi) said her strict upbringing put her off the idea of heavy discipline when raising a child
The mother said she and her partner had long-discussed gentle parenting before Nhyara was born – and as she gets older, they are sure their approach is helping her grow into a happy, sociable little girl.
‘We incorporated gentle parenting from the onset, we allow [Nhyara] to express her emotions and want to instil her with confidence,’ Namwila explained.
‘It’s not simply letting your kids do what they want – it’s giving them room to understand the world with mutual respect, empathy and compassion.’
She explained ‘gentle parents’ can still be firm and disciplined, but added there is a difference between discipline and punishment.
Namwila, from Colchester, Essex, believes being raised in a strict household impacted her mental health
Nhyara, 17 months old, is being raised to express her emotions and is rarely told ‘no’ by her parents unless she has done something unsafe
‘There are certain things we would never do – we would never spank our daughter and we wouldn’t suppress the expression of emotion,’ said Namwila.
She added: ‘If you suppress a child’s ability to feel, they could grow up unable to express their emotions in a healthy way.’
The mother admitted it’s not always easy to allow your child to express their emotions – particularly when they are having a public tantrum. But she still believes her method of parenting is the right one.
Namwila believes it’s better to work through their child’s feelings in a calm, collective manner as raised voices and shouting won’t get through to the child.
‘Too much noise causes the brain to shut down, and children don’t hear the words properly,’ she said.
When Nhyara becomes emotional, her mother will work through patiently with her daughter what is causing her to be upset.
Namwila (pictured with her daughter) explained gentle parenting is not about not disciplining children, but made a distinction between discipline and punishment
Namwila and her partner Zephi (pictured with Nhyara) agreed long before they had a child that they would practise ‘gentle parenting’
Namwila is also teaching Nhyara (pictured on a swing) to love herself as a mixed-race child, after Namwila struggled with her own race and self-image as a child
‘When children are having tantrums the logical side of their brain doesn’t work, and they’re led with the right, emotional side of their brain,’ she explained.
Instead of responding with a raised voice, Namwila will say something like: ‘Let’s try and calm ourselves down’.
She will then explain the situation to her daughter – for example, why she has taken her favourite toy away, and tell Nhyara she understands why she’s upset.
Nhyara, like many tots, used to hit out of frustration and fling her body around. However instead of responding in anger, Namwila would say: ‘It’s fine to be upset, it’s not OK to hit mumma.’
Key principles of ‘gentle parenting’
– Only raise your voice and shout at children in situations where they are really unsafe
– Don’t overuse the words ‘stop’ and ‘no’
– Never spank or slap your child
– Recite positive affirmations about their personality for example, that they’re intelligent and strong
– Encourage them to ‘feel their emotions’ and overcome them – even if it means having a full blown tantrum
– Use targeted praise that focuses on a specific thing they have done well rather than a generalised ‘good job’
Then they would calm down with deep breathing activities.
She explained: ‘The basis of gentle parenting is just talking to your child from a place of respect and understanding and learning not to yell.
‘If you do yell, you can apologise afterwards and show your accountability.’
After her daughter has calmed down, it is then time to deliver a ‘teaching moment’ – she explains why she it’s not OK to hit as it hurts.
Instead, they will use ‘gentle hands’ and show how she should touch her face – stroking it instead.
The progressive parents also want to teach Nhyara about consent and will ask how she wants to say goodbye to people and relatives.
‘We will always ask if she wants a hug or if she wants a kiss, or if she simply wants to wave or say goodbye,’ added Namwila.
Namwila says gentle parenting involves being intentional with your language and claims overusing words such as ‘stop’ and ‘no’ loses the desired effect.
‘We only use “no” and “stop” if she has done something really unsafe,’ she said.
‘Instead, we form fuller sentences such as “mumma doesn’t like it when you hit” and then explain why.
‘We also encourage her to do things herself and try not to intervene to teach her to be independent and resilient.’
As Nhyara is mixed race, her mother is determined her daughter will be taught how to love herself, after struggling with her own race when she was growing up.
‘I always say to Nhyara: “I love your hair, I love your skin”,’ Namwila said.
‘I tell her: “You’re so smart, you’re so clever, you’re so strong” and my daughter will repeat: “I’m so strong, I’m so clever, I’m so strong”.’
Instead of giving her daughter generic compliments, the mother also gives Nhyara ‘targeted praise’.
‘When she has scribbled something, I will say you really worked hard on that, I like the pattern,’ Namwila said.
As a ‘gentle parent’, Namwila is sometimes accused of ‘raising a snowflake’ but she argues she would rather raise her child in this way, which will give her self-confidence.
‘I know I can’t stop bad things happening in the world, but we want her to have the strength within her to take on the world and to share her light with the world,’ she said.
‘You shouldn’t be harsh to your child to prepare them for a harsh world.’
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