My story is not unusual.
Every marriage has its ups and downs, but mine, unfortunately, was definitely having far more downs than ups, and had been for far too long. I considered my options.
I could stay married and stay miserable. I could get divorced and live on my own – but peacefully. I could get divorced and maybe get lucky enough to find a new love.
As two out of those three possible scenarios held greater promise than the other, I opted for divorce. As anyone who’s been through one can certainly testify, it is never smooth sailing.
My friends wanted to fix me up with single men they knew, but it took a good 18 months until I felt ready to venture ‘out there’. My self-esteem had taken a battering but with their encouragement, I embarked on a sort of make-over.
I lost a stone in weight, changed my hairstyle and colour, and treated myself to new outfits in my new dress size.
I joined the dating site in the Sunday newspaper I regularly bought. The procedure was to record a message about yourself – what you looked like, your personality, your likes and dislikes. The subscription enabled you to listen to the messages recorded by possible dates, and decide whether to go further.
No photos… just voices.
It was strange being ‘out there’ but my confidence was boosted when virtually all the men I met asked to see me again. Some dates were bizarre – one guy kept talking about himself, in the third person rather than the first.
Another, while we were having a meal, ogled me across the table and said, ‘I wish there was a bed here.’ Not exactly subtle!
Some dates were ‘educational’ – like the guy who took me to see cricket at Lord’s, and tried to explain the complicated sport to me. We lasted for a number of weeks until, sadly, I realised he preferred alcohol to me.
I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince.
There are certain physical characteristics that I find attractive in a man, such as straight hair, straight teeth, blue eyes and I don’t like hairy men.
And on the dating site, when I listened to Alan’s voice on his recording, I was immediately attracted to it. It had a deep, very masculine resonance but also a warmth that I found appealing.
However, when we met up, his physical presence was not what I’d expected. Curly hair. Crooked teeth. Muddy-coloured eyes (and he was hairy – that revelation came later…!).
But he was funny. He made me laugh. Telling jokes came easy to him, which I found quite disarming, especially since I’m useless at telling or even remembering jokes.
I was delighted when he suggested we meet again.
When I arrived at the venue for our second date, Alan was waiting for me in the car park. He came over and presented me with a lovely bouquet of flowers. I was charmed by this totally unexpected gesture.
When we then sat down at our table, he confessed, ‘I told my daughter that I’d met a very nice lady. She asked if I planned on seeing you again. To which I replied, yes.’
I smiled, pleased that I’d been worth talking about.
‘Then she asked me if I’d told you that I was still married.’
My smile instantly disappeared.
‘She said that she’d run a mile rather than date a man who was married – and that I should give you some flowers, and then “come clean”.’ He looked at me intently, adding, ‘I really don’t want you to run a mile.’
I was in a quandary. Should I believe him, or make a swift exit? I didn’t know what to think – the revelation had come out of the blue, and I was gobsmacked.
Somehow, the fact that he’d discussed me with his daughter gave some credibility to his story – so I stayed to hear him out.
He explained that although he was officially still married, they hadn’t actually lived together for a number of years. They’d simply drifted apart, and so, in his head, he was single.
He went on to tell me that the family home was on a big plot of land. He got planning permission to build a three-bedroom house in the garden for his wife, and moved her into it. Eventually, he sold the main house and moved away to another town.
The way he said it made me laugh: ‘I built her a house in the bottom of the garden, and moved her into it.’
Because he’d provided so much detail, I felt inclined to believe him or at least to give him the benefit of the doubt. I enjoyed his company – our relationship was characterised by laughter – so I decided to continue seeing him, but with reservations, taking care.
At one point, I was caught off guard again. Alan announced that he was going away for a ‘golf weekend’, and I really thought he might be dumping me.
He completely sprang this weekend away on me, and at first I was angry. I thought this was his way of saying he didn’t want to see me again, and I felt that he’d led me on.
Then, I calmed down. After all, I’d had some very nice times with him.
So I sent him a message thanking him for the good times – but my tone was definitely one of ‘farewell’. I was trying to protect myself. In my head, he might have been ending our relationship by announcing this sudden weekend away, but I was saying goodbye on my terms.
As it turns out, I needn’t have worried. He wasn’t dumping me at all; he really was just going away for the weekend.
He contacted me upon his return and arranged for me to meet his daughters, and his friends. Everyone accepted us as a couple and so there was no longer any doubt about his honesty.
We’d spend the weekends together – either at his place or at mine. One evening he announced, ‘I want us to live together… but I don’t feel it’s fair for me to expect you to live with a married man. So I’ll get divorced.’ He went to see his estranged wife and they agreed to the terms of the divorce in a very civilised way.
Eventually, Alan and I bought a house together. He told me he wanted to build a big shed at the bottom of the garden.
Remembering what he’d done to his then wife, I told him in no uncertain terms that he should not entertain any ideas of moving me into it, unless he installed central heating and air conditioning.
As for his curly hair and crooked teeth… I don’t notice them anymore. When you first meet someone, you notice their physical characteristics, but after you get to know them, you see the whole person.
I saw the whole person, and I liked what I saw.
I still do. A lot.
So, How Did It Go?
So, How Did It Go? is a weekly Metro.co.uk series that will make you cringe with second-hand embarrassment or ooze with jealousy as people share their worst and best date stories.
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