SEX can fall way down the list of priorities, especially when you’re in a long-term relationship.
Life’s busy, we get it. New research by lingerie and sex toy brand Lovehoney has found that one in 10 Brits feel like sex is a chore.
Plus, 29% say that life being too tiring and stressful is a reason for not having sex.
But all you need is 15 minutes, we promise!
From getting into the right headspace, to all the best positions, our experts reveal their top tips.
Step 1 – Set The Scene
Let's talk about sex
Not sure what turns your partner on? It’s time to talk. But be aware that may mean hearing some home truths. “Talking about sex and what you and your partner like and don’t like can be a sensitive subject.
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If your partner is sexually insecure, they may take it personally,” says Jo Hemmings, sex and relationship psychologist for water-based lubricant Knect. “It’s better to have these conversations away from the sex scenario itself.
Have a chat over a drink in the evening or a relaxing dinner.”
If approaching the topic makes you or your partner shy, there are dozens of apps that help build intimacy, such as Honi, a relationship tool that features dares, questions and prompts.
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Make them lust for you all day while they’re at work. Gillian Myhill, sex and dating expert and co-founder of Sizzl Dating, recommends sending one of these three messages during the day:
“I just remembered I had a dream about you last night – I’d really like to play it out in person this evening.”
“I’m feeling really excited thinking about you. What would you like to do with me this evening? Tell me about a fantasy that we could play out together.”
“I know you have a stressful day ahead today. I’ll make you feel better this evening with…”
Dress to impress
Wearing your favourite underwear can make you feel sexy, and not only turn your partner on, but will help get you in the mood, too.
Give them a glimpse in the morning, saying they can’t see the full show until later on. Or send them a link for a new lingerie set you’d like as a gift – are they really going to say no?
Create the right mood
If your house is full of clutter, it will be difficult to feel relaxed and sex will probably be the last thing on your mind.
“If you’re distracted by chores like laundry or housework, you won’t develop a ‘sexual mindset’, so it is really important to create a clean, healthy space,” says Gillian.
Little and often makes tidying less daunting – try a regular 15-minute after-dinner tidy-up.
Glow for it
Lighting a candle may seem like a cliché. But there’s no denying it sets the mood, as does soft, low lighting and essential oils.
“Sex is a full-body experience, so rather than relying just on touch, aromatic candles can help activate all of our senses, contributing to more enjoyable sex,” explains Cecile Gasnault, director at sex products brand Smile Makers.
Step 2 – Take It To The Bedroom
Get connected
Tantra, an ancient Indian meditation-type practice, can strengthen the emotional bond with your partner and make for great sex.
The goal of tantra is to connect two people emotionally as well as physically.
Learn the basics with podcasts by searching for “tantra” on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
“Tantric eye-gazing is one exercise you can do in a minute,” says Gillian. “Sit opposite each other on the floor or bed, legs crossed and holding hands.”
You may be surprised at the emotions that surface, and communicating these with your partner can help build intimacy and trust. Then try using tantric eye-gazing during sex to make it meaningful.
Word up
A 15-minute window isn’t long. To get the most out of it, encouragement is essential to guide each other to pleasure.
“First, use positive reinforcement for everything they do that gives you pleasure,” says Cecile. “Moaning is a good signal and can help both of you get even more aroused.”
And when asking your partner for something in bed, there’s a way to do it. “Share fantasies with them or things that you would like to do by giving them an active role,” says Gillian.
“Say: ‘I’d like you to do this to me,’ rather than: ‘I would like this.’ Or you could say: ‘I love it when you do this.’”
Don't always aim for the Big O
We’re always talking about how to achieve the greatest orgasm, or even one at all, but Gillian recommends relaxing a little. “Try not to focus on the orgasm,” she says.
“Instead, enjoy the experience. Putting too much pressure on yourself can have the opposite effect.” It is hard to ignore the O gap, however.
“Knowing your own body is key – you need to understand yourself and what makes you climax,” says Gillian. “I’m a strong advocate for masturbation, as it can help you to understand how your body works and responds to touch.
"For a lot of women, sexual attraction is linked to psychological factors, such as anxiety, for example.”
(Sex) Toy Story
The majority of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
Don’t be afraid to invite a little help into the bedroom to add some excitement.
“Sex toys can be used during penetrative sex for clitoral stimulation,” Cecile says. Browse a sex-toy website with your partner, each choosing something you’d like to bring to the party.
“Positions that stimulate the clitoris might bring you a lot more pleasure too, such as cowgirl, doggy style and spooning,” Cecile says.
You win, you lube
Lube is a handy aid to keep in your bedside drawer, especially if you suffer from menopausal vaginal dryness. But even those without issues should give it a go.
“Even when you are ‘wet,’ lube can add to the sensations and overall experience,” Cecile says. “Sometimes you may feel nervous and won’t be as naturally lubricated as you need to be for stimulation to feel comfortable or pleasurable,” says Cecile.
There are different types – water-based feels most natural, silicone is good for those with sensitive skin and to use with toys, while oil-based lube is the longest-lasting.
Heat things up
Listen and learn
For sex and relationship advice listen to Pillow Talks, a podcast hosted by sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband Xander.
Sex-scribe Shespot.co.uk sends a box of hand-selected sexual wellness products to your door every three months for a subscription fee of £70 a year.
Eyes on the prize
Discover ethically produced erotic videos, films, audio, galleries and stories on female- and couple-friendly streaming service Frolicme.com, from £9.95 a month.
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