Written by Marie-Claire Chappet
From Bad Sisters to The White Lotus, hating a friend’s partner is a dynamic we’re used to seeing play out on our screens – but how do you navigate it in real life?
What happens if your best friend shacks up with someone you can’t stand? Welcome to a world in which awkwardness infiltrates every event they both attend, where you try to fake a smile and pretend you don’t loathe them. This hatred becomes an odourless, noxious gas in a friendship, slowly clouding it with all the things you simply cannot say. Because, of course, telling your friend that you hate their partner is a risky move, one you may never come back from.
It’s also a topical issue right now. In author Ore Agbaje-Williams’s highly anticipated debut novel, out this May, a single day unspools between a trio: a husband, a wife and her best friend, Temi, navigate the fact that Temi and the husband hate one another. Secrets brew as we see the narrative in three parts, from the perspectives of each of the main protagonists. Meanwhile on television, you can see tensions rise between Harper and Cameron, the wife of newly rich tech maestro Ethan and his ‘finance bro’ best mate from college, who find themselves butting heads while on holiday in The White Lotus. Similarly, there are the extreme measures taken by Apple TV’s Bad Sisters, who, shall we say, don’t exactly get along with their brother-in-law.
And, of course, who can forget Carrie and ‘The Russian’ in Sex And The City. “Fine, I don’t like him,’” yelled his most vocal critic, Miranda, across a snowy New York street as she begged Carrie not to move to Paris with him. In a neat bookend, the scene played out again, in the culmination of season one of And Just Like That last year, when Carrie tries to convince Miranda not to move to LA for Che Diaz.
As dramatic as these situations can be on screen, the reality is just as difficult to navigate. Emily*, 32, has been at odds with her best friend’s husband since they met five years ago. “Every time I see him, he’s rude and distant and I find it really hard to understand why she’s with him,” she says. Over time, Emily has become convinced that the feeling is mutual and that her friend is aware of the thinly veiled animosity between them. “It’s impossible to know what to do,” she says. “If I come out and tell her, she’ll hate me for it, and if I don’t, it just sits there, eating away at our friendship and driving a wedge between us regardless.”
Relate counsellor Simone Bose says this feeling is not uncommon. In fact, even if the partner in question is not objectively problematic (ie abusive or dangerous) you can frequently be at odds with your best friend’s choice of paramour. “If you spent a lot of time with this person and now you have to share them with someone else, it sets a high bar for the partner,” she explains. “You almost have to judge them worthy of it, if they are ‘taking away’ your friend.” Then, all of a sudden, this person may start appearing in your life all the time.
Because, of course, the older we get, the more intertwined our lives become. Not liking your friend’s significant other is suddenly not just a sticking point for your friendship, but for your social life. “One of the easiest ways to approach this, without having to bluntly say that you hate them, is to ensure you carve out time just for friends or just for the two of you,” Bose recommends. “With any situation like this, it’s more productive to go in with a positive. Instead of saying, ‘I don’t want to hang out with them,’ say, ‘I miss hanging out with just you.’”
For clinical psychologist Dr Roberta Babb, how you frame these approaches to your friend is crucial, and she offers the same advice for anyone who finds themselves on the opposite side of this impossible equation, like Emily’s friend, clearly suspecting that the two most important people in her life despise each other. After all, if honesty was a foundational block of your friendship, it can only be dented by not addressing it, but it’s all about how you do it. Something may need to be said, but it doesn’t need to be everything – there are some things you can’t take back.
“Try to have an open and curious discussion where you can non-judgmentally explore what it is that they do not like,” Babb advises. “It is important that the conversation does not become argumentative and focused on trying to prove each person’s view.Rather, it is an opportunity to be honest and understand the complexity of relational difficulties. This can allow you and your friend to collaboratively find a way forward that is respectful, meaningful and supports your friendship.”
There is, of course, the awful concern that a partner may not just be annoying but actually bad news. For Kristina*, 35, her dislike of her friend’s fiancé is entirely down to the fact that he has previously cheated on her. “I know I have to support my friend and forgive him – because she has,” Kristina explains. “But it is super hard to do that and not still want to protect her from him.”
Babb’s advice in this situation is not to jump in and assume this behaviour will repeat itself or, if your feelings are that a friend has had bad partners before, to remind yourself that a new partner is not destined to be the same as the previous ones. “It is important to have spent enough time with their partner so you can have a clear sense of what you are basing your thoughts on,” she says. “Then you can share your concerns about the impact that their behaviour has on them rather than what it is that you do not like about their partner. Ultimately, your friend has a choice, and as their friend, you need to let them know you support them no matter what they decide.”
Regardless of whether the partner is an actual bad apple or just someone you really wish you didn’t have to sit opposite at dinner, it is crucial to remember the situation is always worse for your friend. “They are the ones in an impossible situation,” Bose reminds us. “Always be mindful of that and listen to them talk about their relationship without judgment.” Because, of course, if you do dislike your best pal’s partner, the most helpful thing you can do is ask yourself whose needs are being met by raising this: yours or your friend’s? If you are not acting out of a sense of genuine protection, it might be better to keep your mouth shut. After all, you are not the one who is dating them.
Images: Apple
Source: Read Full Article
