I don’t want my MIL to visit our newborn as she never asks if I’m ok and hardly sees our other child – but people tell me I’m being unreasonable
- Anonymous Australian-based woman shared dilemma on UK forum Mumsnet
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A woman has been criticised online after asking for opinions on whether she should let her mother-in-law visit her newborn – with some calling her ‘vindictive’.
The Australia-based mother took to UK forum Mumsnet to garner opinions on her dilemma, and to reveal why she doesn’t want her husband’s mother to visit them.
In a lengthy post, the anonymous poster said she already has one five-year-old, and is expecting a baby soon.
Her mother will be visiting, and her mother-in-law, who lives two-days drive away, also wants to visit, but the poster said the woman ‘never asks if [she] is ok’, and doesn’t help out enough with her other son.
She also said the woman is not up to date with vaccines, and also ‘is the type to only focus on the baby and I wouldn’t get any assistance at all’.
An anonymous woman has revealed online that she doesn’t want her mother-in-law to visit, prompting annoyed responses from forum users (stock image)
Her post said: ‘Will try and keep it concise. Live in Australia, have a 5 year old with child diabetes and baby #2 on the way. They may have the same condition making both extra vulnerable to routine illnesses.
‘Husband often works offshore and can’t return home easily. In-laws are a short flight or 2 day drive away.
‘My AIBU is: My MiL keeps asking to come and visit our baby in the few weeks after he is born. I want to say absolutely not for the following reasons:
‘-They’ve met my toddler 3 times as they visit once a year and we have gone to them once (only since we moved to Aus they never asked to come to the UK when he was born or the first 2 years of his life).
‘-They never ask if I’m ok. Never offer help in an emergency when my husband is gone and can’t be contacted. Last month I was hospitalized and my child had to spend 2 days at my friends house and not once did MIL contact me or offer to come help. I know it’s far but the offer alone or asking if I’m ok would have meant a lot!
‘-She has nephews 4 times a week (and one overnight) for BIL/SIL who also have other family help for childcare. No reason, they just seem to get as much help with their kids as possible. What annoys me is she often uses this as a reason she can’t visit ‘I have the kids that day so can’t travel.’ The childcare is a bonus not needed!
‘All of this makes me feel like my family and my children are only convenient when it fits in with her schedule and around her other grandchildren, and as she is an anti-vaxxer who only visits once a year anyway when it suits her and never ever offers help in an emergency when I really need it, I feel like telling her no. Absolutely not.
‘She cannot come when I’ve just had a new baby and am recovering. She is the type to only focus on the baby and I wouldn’t get any assistance at all.
According to the poster, there are a number of reasons she doesn’t want her mother-in-law to visit once she has the baby
‘Instead my Mum is offering to fly to Aus for a month and hopefully the dates will work out!’
Her post continued: ‘AIBU [Am I Being Unreasonable] to tell MIL no she can’t come to see our newborn. She can come once we know if he has health issues (considering she is anti vax) and so he would be a few months old at that point?
‘My husband said he isn’t sure how it will go down as my Mum is coming but I really don’t care anymore.
‘My Mum has been to Australia and is worse off financially than MIL, but prioritises coming to see us and her grandchild (and she has others she sees often).’
While some said the poster was well within her rights to stop her mother-in-law from visiting, the majority felt she was being unfair to treat her husband’s mother differently to her own.
Among those supporting her position, one wrote noted that the mother-in-law could pose a health threat, writing: ‘It’s far too dangerous for an un-vaccinated person to be in contact with a newborn baby.’
Some respondents felt that the poster was being reasomable
Another added: ‘You’re doing the right thing! Tell her she needs whooping cough vaccination to visit. Sounds like she won’t, so it will be on her cancelling, rather than you.’
And a third wrote: ‘Of course you are not unreasonable. You want to take all necessary steps to safeguard the health of your newborn until you know situation.
‘If MIL is a caring Gran she would either be happy to visit after a month because she wants to be supportive or she could easily get her jabs and take the necessary precautions to see her grandchild sooner.
‘It’s MIL creating the ultimatum her with her behaviour. Unfortunately, stopping a MIL doing anything around her no matter how reasonable usually ends in a flaming from all the other MILs.’
However, many felt her position was indefensible, and were not backwards in saying so.
One wrote: ‘Sorry but no. You don’t get to have your mum visit for a month but say no to your MIL seeing her new grandchild at all in those few weeks..
‘I’m the mother of adult daughters and I’d be horrified if my daughters took that attitude to their MILs. And I’d be embarrassed to be staying while the other grandparent was kept away.’
Another agreed, sharing a similar message that said: ‘One day you may be the MIL.
‘How will you feel if you are not allowed to visit your GC [grandchild]?’
A third wrote: ‘You don’t like her, but it’s her grandchild, and to stop her seeing them does seem quite nasty, IMO.’
Many of the forum users felt that the poster was being unfair to her mother-in-law, and shared their reasons why they felt that way
And a fourth concurred, adding: ‘Apparently the child’s father doesn’t get to show off his new baby to his parents. But he has to host his own MIL for a month.’
Meanwhile, a fifth said: ‘I can’t believe what I am reading !
‘Yabu [You Are Being Unreasonable].
‘You can’t possibly be serious that you aren’t going to allow your mil to see her grandchild.
‘Why does your family get priority? Your poor DH.’
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