I live five hours away from my partner but we’d resent each other if we moved in together – we’re happy in our digital coexistence
- Janey McGill, 41, from Oxfordshire, lives seperately from her partner David, 46
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A woman who lives a five-hour drive from her partner says they would ‘resent each other’ if they moved in together and are happy in their ‘digital coexistence’.
Janey McGill, 41, from Oxfordshire, met her partner, David Monaghan, 46, from Cornwall, in Bologna, Italy, in September 2020 while on a photography work trip.
The pair say they are ‘well-suited’ to their long-distance partnership because they are both ‘independent’ and respect each other’s professional and personal ambitions.
David wants to stay in Cornwall because he loves surfing, spending around 35 hours a week in the water, and Janey’s freelance photography and film work takes her all around the UK and abroad to Italy and Switzerland.
Janey said they would both grow ‘resentful’ if either had to move, adding: ‘We’re happy we those mutual boundaries in place. We’re fine digitally co-existing without being on top of each all the time.’
Janey McGill, 41, from Oxfordshire, who lives a five-hour drive from her partner David, 46, has said they would ‘resent each other’ if they moved in together and are happy in their ‘digital coexistence’
Janey and David say their meeting was a ‘coincidence’ when they bonded in Italy.
She said: ‘It was just a coincidence. Our first date was a business dinner. We got to know each other when we had a bit of time off from work.
‘I liked exploring all the little nooks and crannies and seeing where he lived, which was a beautiful place with frescos all over the walls and ceilings.’
David said: ‘I knew a little bit about her because we had seen each other on dating apps, but in person she was very beautiful, easily outgoing, calm, but very open.
‘Very good at talking to people.’
The budding romance developed over the week they shared together before Janey returned to the UK and they were apart for two months.
Janey said: ‘It was fine as I lived on my own, so we would just spend time together by hanging out over the screen on FaceTime or calls.
‘It was natural and not intense. He would be playing guitar or we would just get on with our own things.
‘It’s just very easy – we’ll just hang out in the evening doing whatever we’re doing without intense conversations.’
In December 2020 David came back to for three weeks for Christmas, but when the Coronavirus lockdown closed international borders, the couple ‘ended up’ living together for three months.
Although they had only known each other for three months, Janey said cohabiting was ‘so easy’.
The pair say they are ‘well-suited’ to their long-distance partnership because they are both ‘independent’ and respect each other’s professional and personal ambitions
She said: ‘Living together was so easy, because he is very easy.
‘So really he could be there or not be there, nothing I do changes. I feel more inclined to cook dinner when he is there. It’s grossly pleasant. It’s nice.
David said: ‘It was good, it was a funny situation, we’re both easy-going and laidback so we get on very easily but for both of us any tension comes when we’ve got stuff to do.
‘We both get itchy feet to do stuff and if we can’t do it then we’re ready to go.’
But David decided to move to Hale, Cornwall, in August 2021 after buying his father’s house and loving the area – leaving Janey five-hours away in Banbury, Oxfordshire.
Living separately allows David, a network architect, to spend 35 hours surfing and Janey to travel the UK and abroad for her freelance photography and film work.
For Janey and David, living separately allows both of them to pursue their interests and careers while enjoying each other’s company when possible.
Janey said they were well-suited to their long-distance partnership because they are both ‘independent’ and respect each other’s professional and personal ambitions.
Janey said: ‘I suppose we’re good at living long distance because we’re both quite adaptable and very independent.
‘We’re cut from the same cloth, so we both understand how obsessive we can become over things and the need to get good in what we do.
‘I enjoy seeing him get better and I fully support it, and for him to see me doing well in my work is important for him.
‘He understands where I need to be and what I’ve got to do.’
She said: ‘I get more work living in Oxfordshire, because there are more opportunities down here than there would be in Cornwall.
‘I have my life here – with friends and family here, and my dogs.
‘If I made him move in with me he would be unhappy and resentful towards me for having to leave Cornwall behind, so he just wouldn’t do it.
David wants to stay in Cornwall because he loves surfing, spending around 35 hours a week in the water, and Janey’s freelance photography and film work takes her all around the UK and abroad to Italy and Switzerland
‘And if he made me leave Oxfordshire I would be resentful. We’re happy we those mutual boundaries in place.
Janey says it was important to her to remain close to friends and family in her area.
David said: ‘Both of us are very driven with what we do.
‘In the past we both can be quite obsessive and focused so that he been a constant issue in my relationships which have fallen apart because of that focus.
‘But with Janey because we’re both doing that and living apart we have the time to do those things ourselves without having to attend to the other person.
‘A lot of people want to own somebody.
‘People think of love as a kind of ownership that they have to hand all the time so you’ve just got to accept what it is, you’ve not got the person in your pocket all the time.’
The regularity of their visits varies from month to month, with the longest period apart lasting three months between December 2022 to February 2023.
However they manage to speak to each other every day – either by text, phone calls, or over FaceTime.
The low-key pair do not plan virtual dates, preferring to just make coffee on a Saturday morning or quietly sit in each other’s company online.
When Janey goes to visit she stays for a few weeks at a time – but much of their romantic schedule is determined by the sea as Mark is ‘addicted’ to his practise.
Janey said: ‘If the surf is crazy then there’s no point in me being down there – I’ve tried it but I’ve been concentrating so much on my work I’ve got no time to put into a new hobby.
‘If the surf is there I would barely see him anyway.’
Despite enjoying each other’s company there are no immediate plans to move in together.
Janey said: ‘It’s pretty easy for us because we’re not stuck in the same place co-parenting.
‘I’ve got two dogs, but we both don’t want children, we like our lives how they are.’
David agreed there could be challenging moments too.
He said: ‘They’re there on the end of the phone but they’re not there – you can’t sit on the sofa and be together properly so there is good and bad to that.
‘You have to take one step at a time and have to be honest with the other person as well.’
Fortunately, their relationship has proven the old adage that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Janey said: ‘It has kept the honeymoon period going, because I still get super excited to see him and catch up.
‘Of course there can be a few difficult times. Sometimes if you are feeling insecure for whatever reason then you just want a cuddle.
‘But we just talk about it, and because we’re both open it works really well. Just be honest and open with how you’re feeling and that’s all you can do.’
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