I deeply regret making a sex tape.
I feel dirty and ashamed. I’m terrified of it coming out. My girlfriend has always promised never to show it around but we’re in a weird place right now.
She is spending most of her spare time hanging out with colleagues. She’s in a new job and star-struck by the glamorous guys and girls she’s working alongside.
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The group love clubbing and hanging out in trendy haunts, and I’m not included.
What if she decides to prove her edginess and impress them by showing our movie? Where will that leave me?
I’m so ashamed of the things I did for the camera.
From sex toys and rubber clothes to kinky positions; I allowed myself to be led by the nose into a minefield.
It was all her idea. She said all the best people were making them, celebrities, singers etc. She emphasised it was all about pushing back boundaries and proving trust.
In the end I was worn down and gave in.
She rocked up one Saturday night in 2021 with a case full of handcuffs, high heels, lubrication and Viagra and I gave myself over to her plan.
She set up the room and the camera. She shouted her directions, and we shot the wretched thing. I can’t say I enjoyed the experience.
We watched it back the next day and I felt such an idiot for being so weak and for allowing myself to be manipulated.
Far from turning me on it turned my stomach, especially the bits where she’s barking her orders and I’m looking up at her like a lamb to the slaughter.
My friends and colleagues have no idea why I’m so down right now. They keep telling me to snap out of it, but I’m terrified for my reputation. What if my parents and boss find out?
I know I should put our sex tape to the back of my mind but it’s like an unexploded bomb.
JANE SAYS: If you carry on worrying and internalising, then you’re going to make yourself ill. From what I understand, your girlfriend has never threatened to show this tape to anyone.
Yes, she has a copy and it’s a potential hot potato, but you can’t tie yourself in knots with ‘what ifs’.
I urge you to arrange a face-to-face meeting. She may claim she’s terribly busy and popular but emphasise that this is important and can’t be put off a minute longer.
Once you’re together, you need to tell her that you want the film completely deleted. You do not want it shared or shown because that would cause you distress and she does not have your consent to do so.
If you must get heavy, then remind her that revenge porn is classified as a sexual offence. Hopefully, she’ll see sense, and that will be the end of it, but if she does go against your wishes in future, then be prepared to report her.
As for your relationship, put the ball in her court and ask her what she’s thinking and where you’re both headed. Have you come to the end of the line? Do you finally need to split?
Accept that we all do stupid things – and allow ourselves to be taken in by stronger characters – at some stage of our lives.
If nothing else, you’ve learned a very valuable lesson from all of this: trust your own gut instincts in future.
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