In this “swipe left” world, we’re all guilty of making snap decisions about people, places and situations. From a blind date’s choice of shoes to a misspelt wedding invite – our split- second verdicts of right and wrong shape how we see the world, and our futures.
But now experts are warning that all this instant decision-making could harm our relationships, scupper career moves and limit our chances of finding happiness. It’s time to take a “Judgement Detox” and analyse the speedy choices that might well be holding you back.
Kamalyn Kaur, a psychotherapist and anxiety expert based in Glasgow, recommends this detox to clients who want to get their personal and business lives back on track. “Judgement detoxing is a practice where you become very aware of your thoughts, beliefs and opinions – and you tackle them with more kindness and compassion,” she says.
“Looking for evidence to support your instant thoughts will mean that the judgmental side of you isn’t interfering with the day-to-day functioning in your life. Ask yourself, ‘Where is the evidence to prove my judgements are true?’”
Kamalyn says we should all try this method whenever we find ourselves in the midst of any situation of conflict, doubt or emotional imbalance. “Instant decision-making can lead to lower self-confidence, self-doubt and subsequently feeling like a failure when those decisions go wrong. But by taking a judgement detox you help avoid the stress and anxiety which will otherwise impact happiness and your mental health,” she says.
You may pride yourself on always following your gut, but according to Kamalyn, the judgements we pass so confidently need careful examination as they may not even be ours in the first place. “You have to ask yourself where that effortless opinion is coming from.” And yes, she says, it may be a case of “blame the parents”.
“By six years old a lot of your blueprint has already been established and so your opinions have been instilled rather than formed by you. ‘You shouldn’t wear that colour’, ‘This is the right sort of career for you’… These views may have been passed down from primary caregivers without you questioning them.
"By judgement detoxing you may recognise you’ve carried these ‘truths’ subconsciously throughout your life, so acknowledging this may even stop you passing them on to your own children in a generational circle. After all, racism, homophobia or simple snobbery aren’t inherent – children won’t hold these views unless they’re learnt.”
Now that we’re adults, the idea is that we’re equipped to take a step back for a moment and analyse our belief systems. Kamalyn suggests that we could start by socialising outside of our usual networks – with anyone you might instantly dismiss as “not my kind of person” – as this could make you feel happier, healthier, alleviate loneliness and improve your self-worth.
Suzy Beaumont, 47, a training facilitator from Inverness, agrees. She found it hard to make new contacts in the early days of her career for that same reason.
“I remember at one networking event, I found myself chatting to a woman whose business was centred on weight loss. I felt like I couldn’t get away fast enough as I’d discounted her as a useful contact because she was overweight and hardly, I decided, a great advert for her brand.
“But I was cornered, and then she told me it was the grief of losing her husband suddenly that had made her pile weight on. The product she was marketing had helped her lose 15st already – this incredible woman was inspirational. She went on to help me out with work connections and that re-evaluation taught me a valuable lesson about taking a judgement detox – something I‘ve gone on to use a lot. It’s helped me grow my confidence, and my business, so much.”
As well as guiding us towards a happier future, a judgement detox can protect us from potentially hurtful situations we may already be in. For the sake of self-preservation, stepping back to examine our positive gut feelings can be healthy, too.
“Imagine you’re dating someone you think is just perfect but they don’t answer calls or never tell you where they are or when they’ll be back,” says Kamalyn. “Since you have decided they would never cheat, you might dismiss your friends who question the situation. But you’ve shut out those obvious alarm bells, based on your own snap judgement.
“Looking at evidence could lead you to realise your partner just needs a bit of space… or at the other end of the scale, that they’re spending time with another family they haven’t told you about. In a situation like this, it’s useful to write out a list of proof points, good and bad – I’m a great believer in seeing things in black and white. This judgement detox exercise will help support your thoughts with real evidence – the facts will keep on pointing you in the right direction and make for healthier relationships.”
Change your mindset by considering these key scenarios from Kamalyn’s judgement detox clinic
When… you judge your friend’s parenting skills
Firstly, ask yourself why it is so important for you to have to say something in this situation? Is this simply about you expressing yourself rather than helping your friend and their children? If they’re struggling and stressed-out then they may already be questioning whether they’re good enough, so you don’t want to add to that.
Judgement detox: After consideration, if you still feel the same then be careful not to express your judgement. Instead, try saying, “I remember when this worked for me” rather than stating your views on their parenting. And if you don’t have kids? Take a moment to reflect on whether you’re qualified to judge them at all.
When… you swipe left on dating apps
Dating, especially online, can be very spontaneous. An instant swipe discounts someone from your list of “possibles” because you’re making a split-second judgement solely based on a picture or a few words.
Judgement detox: Take a moment: you’re missing out on opportunities. Terrible photo? Maybe they hate taking selfies. Clichéd profiles? Not everyone feels comfortable selling themselves. And question your own beliefs. When my clients say “all women are crazy” or “men are cheats”, that’s their take on the world from past experience. Generalisations won’t help you find happiness. Give face-to-face dating a go when you can because the picture you’ve built up around those first online impressions may be fictitious.
When… you stop yourself applying for a dream job
You love the look of a job that you’ve seen advertised but decide in a second that there’s no way you’d get the role. By telling yourself you’re not going to even bother applying because, “What’s the point?”, you’re sabotaging your chances of making progress in your career.
Judgement detox: Stop for a second. You’re basing your decision not to apply purely on you having judged your prospective bosses’ opinions of you. You may not know what these are, especially if you’ve never met before, so what’s the evidence for this thinking? The job description may not be everything they want from a new employee and you may have extra skills that could give you a chance of success.
Follow Kamalyn on Instagram @KamalynKaurTherapist see kamalynkaur.com for more information
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