A few weeks ago, I was having drinks with two female friends in a pub garden when a male stranger joined our table and ended up pleasantly chatting to us for the rest of the night.
The conversation turned to sex. Or rather, why – if they are feeling horny – ‘men will always find a way to get laid’, in contrast to women who, in his view, are more reluctant to ask for a good night in the sack.
Interestingly, both of my friends agreed with him, saying they wouldn’t approach a potential lover, in a bar or online, purely to get sex – even if that’s what they wanted.
As a sex-positive woman on a mission to encourage others to get their needs met, I was disappointed but not surprised.
While I don’t like generalising too much, I can understand why some women might feel this way.
I get it; I’ve been called a slut (and worse) many times in my life by people who believed that my ‘forwardness’ was inappropriate for my gender.
How dare I, a woman, ask for pleasure willy-nilly?
I want to put a stop to this sexist way of thinking once and for all, and explain why single women everywhere should not just embrace their sexuality, but also hopefully experience how sexy it can be make the first move.
I’ll start.
In November 2020, the night before the second lockdown was announced, I was at a gig with a friend.
Having spent months without any physical contact I had an itch to scratch, but no one to help me do so.
I had just hours to complete my mission: get laid or go home (potentially for months).
I jumped on a dating app, furiously swiping to get some fresh matches before sending them all the same message.
‘You up? I’m in a time crunch’ was the general premise.
Almost all of the men replied in minutes; some asking where to meet me, others offering to reschedule appointments to make time for our potential rendezvous.
I ended up hooking up with a lovely Irishman, who was alright in bed and had the best chat and was respectful, which is crucial – even if it’s just for a one-night-stand.
Not once have I felt ashamed of this experience, because there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I wanted sex, I asked for it and I had it, consensually and safely.
This is important: I took safety measures before meeting up with this man. We had a phone call first, I checked his profile to make sure everything seemed legitimate and shared his details with a friend to check in with later.
This ‘experiment’ wasn’t easy. It was scary to put myself out there not knowing if any of my matches would even reply.
When they did, I’ll admit it felt good to be wanted. More importantly, this experience made me feel confident and commanding.
I was the captain of my own ship. The SS Vagina, if you will.
However, on the few occasions I have told this story, it has left others – both men and women – with their mouths left gaping open.
Some have praised me for taking charge, others have expressed more negative opinions. I pay no mind to the latter.
Similarly, a few months ago, I found myself single following a very painful break-up.
The idea of using dating apps made me feel uncomfortable because I wasn’t ready to date anyone new, but my sex drive was alive and well.
At a friend’s birthday party in a pub, I decided it was time to get back out there – if even just to flirt – but I didn’t want to wait for a man to approach me.
I’ve never been a patient woman.
When I spotted an attractive guy in the toilet queue, I simply said ‘Hi, you’re hot – are you single?’. Unfortunately, he wasn’t…but happily introduced me to his group of friends, some of whom were.
I hit it off with one, we kissed that night and organised a date for a few weeks later – it didn’t work out but kudos to the man, he was the perfect ‘rebound’.
The point to these tales isn’t actually about my getting laid, it’s about smashing gender stereotypes.
Being the architect of my own sex life made me feel empowered. Interestingly, I’ve also had some very positive feedback from the men I’ve approached.
One former lover told me it was ‘refreshing’ that I was so honest about my intentions and that I’d asked him for sex outright.
Every woman, single or in a relationship, deserves to have their voice heard. There’s nothing wrong with vocalising your needs, even if society sometimes says otherwise.
Of course, I appreciate that not every woman wants to be the instigator, I’m not here to shame anyone!
Safety is also a huge factor and an important one.
Or perhaps you just prefer it the other way around, and feel hesitant about how you will be perceived or worry about rejection.
Choosing not to be the ‘leading party’ is just as valid – so long as you’re making that choice for yourself and not to adhere to some outdated view of how women should be ‘ladylike’ when it comes to owning their pleasure.
For any of my fellow women who are horny and want to ask for sex – go for it.
You have the right to be just as bold and brave as men (supposedly) are. And if someone judges you for it, that’s their problem.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
Source: Read Full Article
