AN EXPERT has revealed the signs your partner is a narcissist.
The signs of narcissism are not always easy to spot, especially as the perpetrator does so well at manipulating others.
Dr David Hawkins, a clinical psychologist at The Marriage Recovery Center in Seattle, says people on the receiving end of a narcissistic usually come to him for help after years of putting up with it.
He said: "Typically, it takes people a while to figure out what exactly is wrong because the narcissistic person is saying, 'It's not me. It's you’.
“That creates incredible confusion in the relationship.”
It can take a lot for a person to realise they are being narcissistic, because their behaviours are deeply ingrained in their character.
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People tend to use the word narcissist to describe someone selfish, vain or “full of themselves”.
A true narcissist – someone who has narcissist personality disorder – is more than just over-confident and self-centred.
A narcissist generally has these four character traits:
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
- A lack of empathy
- A huge sense of entitlement
- A need for admiration and validation from other people
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How these traits play out in day-to-day life is varied and may not be so obvious to you.
For example, narcissists have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, so will give you the “silent treatment” if they are unable to hear it, Dr Hawkins said.
He revealed to Insider three characteristic behaviours that occur in a relationship with a narcissist:
Dismissing your feelings
Dr Hawkins said a narcissist will dismiss your feelings or thoughts.
They may say they don't believe them or that you shouldn't feel or think that way, use gaslighting or name-calling.
Gaslighting is when someone creates a false narrative and makes the other party question their judgments and reality.
A gaslight might say you are overreacting to a situation, tell you that something didn't happen as you remember it, or distract you from the issue.
Dr Hawkins said a narcissist may make you feel dismissed by saying things like, "Why are you bringing this up again? I already apologised”.
They’ll find a way to blame you
Dr Hawkin’s experience of narcissism in couples therapy, is that they refuse to take any responsibility for their part in relationship issues.
Instead, they'll insult their partner and place the blame on them.
This can happen in relationships too, as a way to take control of the dynamic and make their partner feel guilty.
A narcissist uses manipulative or controlling behaviour to serve their own needs.
In a relationship, it can wear down your self-esteem.
Dr Christie Kederian, a psychotherapist, relationship expert, and dating coach, told The US Sun that it is a running theme in a narcissist's life that everything is always somebody else's fault.
"Notice how they speak about past relationships or work environments. If it's always someone else's fault and they are the good one or the holy saviour, then they might show narcissistic traits," Dr Kederian said.
The silent treatment
Narcissists can also act out in immature ways, said Dr Hawkins.
They may use extreme manipulation tactics like the silent treatment – a way of shutting off communication with their loved one to “teach them a lesson”.
Dr Hawkins said this is a defence mechanism the narcissist learns to keep up their self-image, which is the most important thing to them.
If their partner can't critique them, they don't have to face their underlying low self-esteem.
Dr Kederian said narcissists will use “stonewalling” – when someone avoids conversation to avoid conflict – as a way to manipulate.
She said: “As a form of punishment, narcissists will pretend like you don't exist for a few days and then come back to you as if nothing happened, or they might wait until you crack and give in to their needs.
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“This can be after a fight, when they give the ‘silent treatment’, or anytime when you don't do something they want you to.
“It's important to note that stonewalling is NOT the same as asking for space after a conflict or setting boundaries. It's a punishment.”
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