If you read our fascinating orgasm report two weeks ago, you will already know that there is huge gender inequality between the sheets.
In our feature, we revealed that only 5% of women claim to orgasm every time they have sex, compared to 20% of men – and a fifth of women said they felt disappointed when they didn’t orgasm.
This shocking orgasm gap between the sexes goes to prove that women need to be more assertive about exactly what they want in the bedroom – and men need to listen more.
We realise that transforming the way you get down to it isn’t going to come easily to everyone, but there are ways to start getting what you want, without making things awkward…
Open up
Talking to your partner about what you want and need in bed is vital. However, it’s not always an easy chat to have. “It’s a good idea to start the conversation outside the bedroom, as people might feel extra vulnerable in bed,” says Cécile Gasnault of female sexual wellness brand Smile Makers.
Pick your moment, though. “Don’t try to bring it up when they’re busy, whether that’s during a meal or just home from work,” says Clarissa Bloom, dating and relationship expert for The Stag Company.
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“When raising it, you want to ‘cushion the ego’ – this isn’t an attack on their abilities. It’s a highly sensitive subject, so it’s important to treat it carefully.”
Try taking a walk or a drive – it’s often easier to have tricky conversations when you’re side by side – or broach the subject while away on holiday.
“Sometimes a change of scenery facilitates things,” says Cécile. “If you are travelling, it feels easier to disrupt your usual [sex] routine.”
Praise what you love
Start by highlighting what you already can’t get enough of when it comes to having sex with your partner.
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Maybe they kiss you in a certain way, or it really turns you on when they touch a specific area of your body.
“This will help to ease anxiety and allow them to feel more comfortable in themselves,” says Clarissa.
“Then, gradually bring up something you want to try, but relate it to them personally. Explain how hot it would be if they were to do it, how you imagine it and have been thinking about doing it with them. Relating the act to them can help make them feel more confident and prevent them from over-analysing your request.”
“Avoid comparison with what other couples do, or what you think they do,” adds Cécile.
“There is a positive way to bridge this conversation: you are very attracted to your partner and want to enjoy them even more.”
Guide them in real time
Once you’re in the bedroom and ready to try new things, channel your inner conductor and encourage your partner to do what you fancy in the moment.
“Whisper into their ear something you’d love, or ask them while showing your enjoyment,” says Clarissa.
“When they try, they may be nervous, especially if it’s something they haven’t ever done before, so highlight how much you’re enjoying it while it’s happening.”
Your partner may not get it perfect first time, so provide feedback and encouragement.
“Whisper guidance without stopping the activity,” says Clarissa. If you completely stop things, they may feel like they’ve done something wrong and could retreat into their shell.
Instead, be clear and concise – for example, say that you want more or less pressure, for them to go faster or slower, or if you want them to move their touch higher, lower or deeper.
React positively when they hit the spot you’re craving. Instant feedback will make them feel satisfied, too – not to mention turned on!
Share your kink
Is there something you really want to try – whether it’s a threesome,sexy toys or fancy dress (to name just a few!) – but have been feeling like it might scare your partner off?
“Ask them if they have anything they’ve been scared to ask for or want to try,” says Clarissa.
“You may find they’ve been wanting to do the same kink or act as yourself, which will make the whole discussion a lot easier.”
Let your partner know there is no judgement, whatever they bring up.
“You should also work out the exact details of what you want to do with your kink: how far do you want it to go? Do you want it to be a regular act or a one-off experiment? Work out the answers you’re hoping for in your mind,” says Clarissa.
“You could try watching porn together, then opt for a clip that includes your kink or interests.”
From here, you can see how much your partner gets into it, before discussing it further.
“The way you word your kink is also critical, especially for any act involving other partners, such as a threesome,” adds Clarissa.
“Some people may feel it’s cheating, or a desire for someone else, so you need to let your partner know that it’s an act you want to share with them, that they’re central to your fantasy and that if they aren’t comfortable with it, it doesn’t have to go ahead.”
And if they say no?
If your other half seems to be taking little notice of your sexy-time suggestions or is completely ignoring what you say, it could be down to shock at first.
“Shock is a common reaction when people broach this subject. We’re raised to treat kinky acts as such a taboo topic that the majority of people don’t feel comfortable discussing it in any form,” says Clarissa.
“Let your partner know there is no pressure, highlight the reasons why you’d love to try something and stop there. You can bring it up again at a later point, or even find a trade-off. Learning about their kinks and sexual interests can help to offer a ‘meet in the middle’.
“For those that give a hard no, it’s often because you’re getting them to jump in at the deep end,” adds Clarissa.
“You can build them up gradually, trying smaller steps at a time in the bedroom. As they receive continuous praise and get to see how happy it makes you, they may gradually come around.”
Another factor that can affect many men, especially when trying something new or outside their comfort zone, can be to lose their erection.
This is completely natural – however, it’s critical to assure them it’s OK and to be patient without putting too much pressure on them. You don’t want your first move to grow into a feeling of inadequacy.
But with these tools in your sex kit, hopefully you can help redress the orgasm gap and be well on your way to leading a more fulfilled sex life together.
Sex Saviours
These tools can offer you both a helping hand…
PODCAST
Authentic Sex With Juliet Allen
Australia’s leading sexologist shares her expertise. There are 150-plus episodes, so expect a deep dive into all things bedroom-related.
APP
GG Sex Life (free, iOS & Android)
Work your way through various levels as you improve your sexual confidence.
GAME
Lovehoney After Dark Board Game, £32.99, Amazon.co.uk
Discover your lover’s sexy secrets in a fun environment.
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