It’s time once again for our weekly Sex Column, our regular series where experts advise struggling daters on navigating the sticky world of romance.
Last week, we met someone who found themselves in a forced throuple with their boyfriend and the woman he cheated with.
This week we’re speaking with a woman who can’t seem to let go of her wild, jet-setting lifestyle.
She’s 30 and worried she will never be able to hold down a relationship for more than three months. Is she ready for a relationship?
Let’s see if this is a problem our experts can solve…
The problem:
‘I don’t mean to boast, but I‘ve had so many boyfriends over the last 15 years that I‘ve lost count.
‘The longest that I’ve ever been out with the same guy is about three months. It’s always my choice to finish – guys get quite serious but I’m not interested in commitment so once they start getting heavy, they have to go.
‘I work for an airline so it’s easy for me to meet guys I can just ‘love and leave’. I’m always on the move and when I meet men abroad, I can have fun without the fear of bumping into them again.
‘It’s a bit more difficult when I meet guys over here because they often presume it’s the start of something, and even though I sometimes have a few dates with the same person, I still back off when they start getting serious.
‘Men don’t have to try very hard to get me into bed and I am wild, which they seem to love. I’m careful not to get pregnant or catch anything, so I never worry on that score.
‘Friends ask me why I don’t want to fall in love and settle down and I wonder that too. I’m adopted but my parents are lovely, so I don’t think that can be the reason.
‘I’m 30 soon and wonder how long I can keep this up.‘
What the experts say:
Your job makes it easy to avoid serious relationships but it sounds like you’re ready to embrace change.
‘Past preferences mustn’t dictate your future,’ says James McConnachie. ‘What you need isn’t another new boyfriend, it’s a new you. You’ve created a whole lifestyle around the idea of being a wild-in-bed woman but there’s much more to you than that. Don’t let your idea of yourself get stuck.’
Although you feel being adopted is not the reason behind your ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ behaviour, Dr Angaharad Rudkin thinks it may be relevant.
‘It’s wonderful that you’ve enjoyed a happy adoption,’ she says. ‘But your belief that you’re lovable may be shaken by the knowledge that you were once given up, so you find it easier to get approval from people you hardly know.
Underneath is the fear that if people did get to know you, they may not like what they find.’
Rupert Smith thinks time will make a difference to how you feel.
‘Things change around the age of 30,’ he says. ‘You may find that the thrill of the chase is replaced by something more meaningful.’
He feels you only have a problem if your situation makes you unhappy.
‘There’s no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy sexual freedom,’ he says. ‘But your inability to form lasting relationships might make it worth exploring attachment issues in therapy.’
Your letter hints that you don’t want to keep up your current lifestyle.
‘The fear of rejection bubbles in all of us, face this fear and learn to trust,’ says Rudkin.
All our experts agree that it’s time to discover who else you can be. Why not give it a go?
The Experts:
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
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