Welcome back to The Sex Column – our weekly series where experts help daters navigate the choppy waters of love, sex and relationships.
Last time, we advised a young woman who was struggling with feelings of guilt after having an orgy with strangers while on holiday.
This week, we help a man who’s obsessed with wearing women’s knickers.
Is this a harmless way of expressing his feminine side or, as he fears, is there something wrong with him?
The problem:
‘I’m a regular guy in every way – sporty, good job, not bad looking – except I’ve got this obsession about wearing women’s knickers under my trousers. I just love the feeling of silk and lace next to my skin.
‘I was with my last girlfriend for more than two years and when we first dated I reluctantly wore men’s pants.
‘When I finally confessed, she was cool about it. I can easily get more aroused wearing women’s undies and therefore sex was better for her as well as me.
‘Her previous boyfriend was a cheat so maybe she was happy knowing that, in pink lacy knickers, I wasn’t likely to get undressed in front of another woman.
‘We have now split up and I’m dating. I just don’t know how to approach the subject with women and don’t want them to think I’m weird.
‘It would make life much simpler if I could lose this obsession. It’s on my mind a lot and worry there’s something wrong with me.‘
What the experts say:
Although it’s important to be true to who you are, it’s the word ‘obsession’ that concerns our experts.
‘You say you want this off your mind, which means it isn’t a harmless pleasure,’ says James McConnachie. ‘Your desire to wear knickers is colliding with your desire to live without fear of mockery.
‘It sounds like this is something sexual, which makes it a fetish. I think you would benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy, not to stop you wanting to wear knickers, but to free you to wear them happily.’
Rupert Smith agrees. ‘Wearing women’s underwear is one of the most common fetishes out there,’ he says. ‘It can be a way to express the feminine part of a man that is too often suppressed.
‘If it’s simply the case that wearing women’s undies makes you horny, you should just celebrate it. Your fetish doesn’t harm anyone, so it probably won’t be as big an issue to a future partner as it feels to you.’
Dr Angharad Rudkin comments: ‘There will be other girls like your last girlfriend, who was accepting when you told her. Wearing women’s underwear may make you feel more secure, as you have a secret no one knows about that can make you feel more in control of life.’
Rudkin feels you might want to make a concession while dating. ‘Alternate wearing women’s and men’s pants,’ she says. ‘And, remember, this is only one tiny part of you and who you are as a person. Focus on the many other things you have to offer within a relationship.
‘You need to reach a point where you wear women’s underwear because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Once this is a desire and not an “obsession”, you’ll feel more confident.’
The Experts:
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
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