There are different ways to approach parenthood, and one single mum is choosing to go with a gentle style.
Hannah Canavan says she has never punished or rewarded her kids – and stresses that she never will.
The 33-year-old decided to try this ‘gentle parenting’ method after working in a pupil referral unit for troubled children.
Hannah says she saw that giving natural consequences, rather than punishment, to those kids helped their behaviour.
What is gentle parenting?
Author Sarah Ockwell-Smith says gentle parenting can be summed up with three words: ’empathy, understanding, and respect.’
The idea is to throw out phrases like ‘because I said so’ or ‘you’re being bad’ without explanation.
Sophie Pickles, official parenting coach and early years expert for Munchkin, also previously told Metro.co.uk: ‘This way of parenting focuses on positive communication with your child – explaining things to them clearly and teaching them to identify their emotions so they can handle different situations.
‘This creates children that are largely more independent, with better language and social skills, emotional regulation and higher levels of wellbeing.’
The mum – who home schools her children 11-year-old Esmae, nine-year-old Eira, and seven-year-old Elfie – has adopted the same technique with her own family.
Choosing not to shout or take away her kids’ iPads for doing something wrong, instead Hannah calmly explains why something isn’t right.
The home education coach, from South London, says: ‘I have never punished or rewarded my children, and it really works for me.
‘If you look at the prison system you can see punishment doesn’t work as there wouldn’t be second of third time offenders there if that was the case.
‘People think that my kids must misbehave because I don’t punish them but that’s not the case at all.
‘Because I don’t shout or take something away from them, they’re not scared of me.
‘They respect me and listen to me because I’ll calmly explain why they shouldn’t do something, and they learn from it.’
And this has always been their norm.
‘If they ran out into the road or something like that my immediate reaction might be to shout “no”,’ Hannah adds.
‘But I would then just get them to safety and have a discussion with them about how that is extremely dangerous and show them a video about car crashes so they can see the severity of it.
‘Nine times out of 10 they then won’t do it again.
‘If you shout at them and say they’re not going to get an ice cream because they did something wrong then they’ll focus on the fact that mum or dad is cross and not on what they actually did.’
But Hannah still puts in boundaries with her children, especially around things like swearing, shouting or hitting.
‘If they swear or hit then I’ll look at the situation as to why it happened but explain that it’s not the way to react,’ she continues.
Hannah often finds that parents who use an authoritative parenting technique believe her children must misbehave often and ignore her.
She says: ‘Kids are kids, and they don’t always behave as you would like them to.
‘They might misbehave in a restaurant by banging a spoon on the table and rather than shouting at them, I’ll take it off them and take them outside and calmly explain that we won’t go back until they know they shouldn’t do that.
‘I’m biased, I think my kids are really lovely and polite – but people think they will be awful because of the fact I don’t punish them.
‘But they listen to me and even come to me if they’ve done something wrong as they’re not scared to.
‘Just the other day Eira came to me as she thought she had broken a table and she was honest about it.
‘They know that I am reasonable, and they’ll always ask for permission from me.’
At the same time, Hannah doesn’t reward her children when they do something good.
‘Of course, if one has done a lovely piece of art or something I’ll praise them and give a genuine reaction,’ she says.
‘But I won’t get them a treat because of it.
‘When they’re older and they start to do exams, we’ll go out as a family to celebrate the effort that went into them rather than the results.
‘I don’t want to take away their instinctive motivation to do something.
‘If they think they’ll get a reward then they’ll just be doing it for that.’
Hannah also believes this is the reason her family are so close.
Hannah’s top tips for gentle parenting:
- ‘Remember that it is a process, not an outcome – so be patient with yourself.
- ‘If you feel grumpy and that you’re likely to shout, try and lower your voice and whisper – this can often stop kids shouting too as they have to be quiet to hear you.
- ‘Instead of asking questions when your child has done something you don’t like, state facts instead such as “This needs to be cleaned up please” or “Books aren’t for throwing.”
- ‘Offer alternatives, such as “We don’t put those in our mouths, but you can have some ice cubes to suck on” or “We don’t throw books but let’s throw some beanbags in the garde.n”
- ‘Once you have decided on a boundary, accept that there might be a tantrum. Instead of moving the boundary to stop your child reacting, focus on validating their feelings and then helping them to move forward, by saying things like: “I know you’re upset we can’t watch more TV, I feel the same when I can’t watch as much as I’d like. Would you like a hug while you’re feeling sad?”‘
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