‘Oh word? So anyway, what type of movies are you into?’
That was a man’s reaction to me telling him I’m transgender in 2019.
He then proceeded to ask me out, hold my hand in public — for everyone to see — and rest his head on my chest during a horror film. The date ended with a peck on my forehead and an invitation for another one.
I had never felt more normal or this euphoric.
When you’re trans, all the world tells you is that no one will ever adore you. But that’s not my experience at all – I’m here to say that you can be trans and lovable.
I was 15 when I met my first boyfriend, Jason*. By then, I already knew I was trans and had come out to my friends and a few of my teachers.
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Jason was a senior at a different school. He was an out and proud bisexual guy who immediately embraced my gender identity.
I soon discovered that he had a friend who was trans and that explained why he knew exactly how to treat me. So he used gender-affirming language – like ‘my girlfriend’ – and went above and beyond to correct anyone who misgendered me.
Over the course of our relationship, he bought me flowers, held doors open for me, and frequently asked how he could support and affirm me. He treated me like a princess and made sure to make me feel valued in every way possible.
Even though we only dated for a year, I was grateful to have met him and encountered a love as pure as his. Unfortunately, like most couples out of high school, our relationship didn’t survive the changes that came when he went to college.
I didn’t come out to my family and the rest of my teachers until my senior year of high school. But when I did, I was met with nothing but hugs.
Contrary to popular belief about trans people, I was never bullied for my gender identity. Perhaps this was partly because I hadn’t and couldn’t socially transition in high school because I wasn’t on hormone replacement therapy.
Most schools in my area require everyone to wear the school uniform. Because I wasn’t on HRT or puberty blockers, I couldn’t wear the girl’s uniform. The most I could do was grow out my hair.
When I began to socially transition a year after high school – by getting extensions and wearing women’s clothing – I received a lot of support from my peers. Again, I was never ostracised for being who I am and I was beyond grateful for that.
Despite my pleasant experiences as a trans woman, I still internalised some of the negative messaging I received from social media. In addition to that, I had an innate fear of not being able to find love.
As a result, I entertained a lot of men who weren’t good for me during my college years. Men who didn’t care that I was trans, but also didn’t care that I was human either.
They were men who fetishised me and used me to satiate their carnal needs, then tossed me away like a cigarette upon completion.
But these misadventures didn’t occur because men ran the moment they discovered I was trans — although this happened once or twice. They occurred because I encountered f**ckboys along the way, like any other woman.
Sure, these ones had a particular taste for a different kind of woman, but they were f**ckboys nonetheless.
It’s been years since I’ve dealt with another. In fact, based on my recent dates, it’s safe to say my luck in love has returned.
I would never have imagined that I would ever experience a man from a different state who I had never met sending me money with a list of ingredients to purchase so we could have a cooking and dinner date via Zoom. Or attending a night market with another suitor and making out underneath the stars.
While my current focus is my career, I have no doubt that romantic love could easily locate me if it set the intention to do so.
Plenty of factors determine a trans person’s ability to find a caring partner – age, race and geography to name a few. But plenty of the same factors determine a cisgender person’s ability to find love as well.
Dating can be difficult for everyone.
While my experiences are exactly that — mine — there is one thing I am confident about; you can be trans and lovable. The world will use every chance it gets to tell you that you’re not, don’t listen to it.
Don’t disqualify yourself, settle or allow misadventures in love to harden you. The non-romantic relationships in your life are proof of your worthiness.
If you don’t have any, find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who will pour into you and remind you how special you are. Move with caution while keeping your heart open and you’ll be surprised by the love that locates you.
I have no doubt that love is waiting for me just around the corner, and I have no doubt that it will be anything but beautiful.
*Name has been changed
Pride and Joy
Pride and Joy is a weekly series spotlighting the first-person positive, affirming and joyful stories of transgender, non-binary, gender fluid and gender non-conforming people. Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]
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