We all deserve to be loved and cared for in relationships, but sometimes this isn’t always the case – or at least, it doesn’t feel that way.
And for this reader, when his wife began to feel neglected, she took drastic action: she cheated.
While his wife wants forgiveness, he can’t help but feel like he’s being made to feel responsible for her mistakes
But is she really playing the blame game? And can their relationship survive?
Before you read on, check out last week’s dilemma, where a woman isn’t sure who is the father of her unborn baby.
The Problem…
I’ve found out that my wife cheated on me and, even though we have two young children, and I don’t want to break up the family, I’m finding it impossible to forgive her.
I work long hours and know my wife gets very stressed running around after the little ones, so I thought I would give her a break and take the kids to my parents for a few days.
It seemed ideal for everyone as the grandparents love having them, so off we went. Everything was great, although my wife seemed strange on the phone. But, when we got back, she broke down in tears and admitted she’d had sex with some random guy she met on a night out with her friends.
We had an almighty row, ending with me walking out and staying with a mate. My wife phones me daily begging forgiveness. We recently went out for a drink, and she tried to explain that she felt neglected by me, and that this guy just flattered her and made her feel young and attractive again, and it was all a drunken mistake.
I feel like she’s just trying to blame me for her own poor behaviour, as I’ve always tried hard to be as helpful as I can. I work long hours and she doesn’t have a job, so what does she want me to do? Cook dinner when I get home?
I’m still living with my mate but know it’s not a long-term solution.
Laura says…
Living with a friend and spending time apart from your wife and family, is not going to solve this problem. Relationships are, by definition, about being together, and whilst it’s clear why you left, it’s equally clear that staying away is not helping.
Your wife has behaved badly, but I bet no one could make her feel worse than she already feels. The fact that she phones you daily begging forgiveness shows how full of remorse she is, and I don’t really buy the fact that she’s trying to blame you for what happened, she’s merely trying to explain what led to her aberration.
I believe your marriage is worth trying to save and reading between the lines, I think you do as well – so you need to go home and start working on it.
Couples counselling will help you and use your parents more, too. Just explain that you need some quality time with your wife (you needn’t tell them why, unless you want to) and if they love having the grandkids, they’ll welcome taking them off your hands for the odd weekend.
Have some fun together without them, and recreate what life was like pre-kids. Go out for dinner, have great sex, and enjoy a lie-in for a change. Little children are wonderful, but let’s be honest, they can be hard work too.
Please give your wife, and family life, another chance. Your children really need their dad, and this shock might be what you both needed to knock your marriage back into shape.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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