"I never really let myself get too excited, as if it would somehow protect me from the pain if something weren't right," wrote the actress, who is also mom to son James, 4, and daughter Elle, 2.
Claire Holt is recalling her reaction to learning she was pregnant with another child after previously suffering a miscarriage.
In a post shared to her blog, “The Corner by Claire Holt,” on Friday, the actress — who is expecting her third baby with husband Andrew Joblon — opened up about experiencing anxiety after finding out she was pregnant due to her 2018 miscarriage.
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“I started to imagine who this little person would be and how excited I was to have another one, and then I was hit with an overwhelming wave of anxiety,” wrote Holt, 34. “I guess that’s what happens after miscarriage.”
“The Originals” star — who shares son James, 4, and daughter Elle, 2, with Joblon — added that she experienced the “same” feeling when she discovered she was pregnant with her other children.
“It was the same with James (to the absolute extreme), it was there during my pregnancy with Elle (albeit a little less intense),” she said, “and I found myself experiencing it again this time.”
“I took multiple tests each day to make sure the line was getting darker,” she recalled. “My google searches switched to miscarriage statistics and signs of loss.”
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Holt went on to admit, “I often wonder what it must be like to go through a pregnancy without worrying that something will take your baby from you. Without waiting for bad news at every appointment.”
The “Pretty Little Liars” star shared that she believed she’d “feel slightly more hopefully” after “two healthy pregnancies,” but said “the feeling was the same.”
“I never really let myself get too excited, as if it would somehow protect me from the pain if something weren’t right,” she said. “It’s a sad way to experience something so beautiful, but I guess it’s human nature to want to shield yourself from heartache.”
In March 2018, Holt revealed she’d suffered a miscarriage, sharing an Instagram post at the time.
“I took this photo 10 days ago, as I waited for surgery after my sweet little baby lost its heartbeat,” she wrote alongside a photo of herself in the hospital. “I sent it to my fiancé in the waiting room to show him that I was ok. I wasn’t. I’ve never felt more broken in my life.”
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“I debated sharing this so soon and I’m still frightened about making such a private struggle public, but I’m doing it anyway because it’s important,” she added. “After my [surgery], I spent hours on the internet searching for women who had been through it. I was desperate to find someone, anyone, who could relate to what I was feeling. Someone to tell me that the depression and hopelessness were normal. That it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t broken forever.”
Holt and Joblan tied the knot in August 2018. The couple welcomed son James in March 2019, and daughter Elle in September 2020.
Last week, Holt announced she was expecting once again when she debuted her growing baby bump at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of “Killers of the Flower Moon.”
She also shared the news on Instagram. Alongside photos from herself from the premiere, Holt wrote, “me & no 3 ✨.”
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