QUENTIN LETTS: Lord Dave wouldn’t be human if his thoughts had not drifted to a Cameron vs Starmer election as he faced the Lords European affairs committee (Tory majority 25, I reckon!)

David Cameron never sounded so Eurosceptic as when he faced the Lords European affairs committee yesterday. That was maybe down to dramatic contrast, for there is no more Remainerish a body than this committee. It includes some of the most tenaciously pro-Brussels molluscs found on the Westminster shore.

Yet maybe there was another reason Cameron was keen to sound pro-Brexit.

First, meet the committee, chaired by Lord Ricketts, once ambassador to France and head of the Foreign Office. If he does not already sleep in jim-jams decorated with the EU’s blue stars, Father Christmas may soon put that right.

Alongside him were fellow crossbenchers and diplomatists Lords Jay and Hannay, the latter the most liverish of anti-Brexit bleaters. Also: Peter Mandelson’s ex bagman Lord Liddle (Lab), ex-MEP Lady Ludford (Lib Dem), sometime Tory/Lib Dem/back to Tory defector Lady Nicholson (Hokey-Cokey party), an ex-Lib Dem president called Lady Scott, damp Tory Lady Anelay (tricky surname) and Labour’s Lady Blackstone, v. grand. Speaks as if she has a clothes peg clipped on her hooter.

The one strong Brexiteer was Norman Lamont. Next to him was Viscount Trenchard (Con), a mouldy hereditary.

David Cameron never sounded so Eurosceptic as when he faced the Lords European affairs committee yesterday

His new lordship Dave glistened like something off a Mr Sheen advert. Hair perfect. Dark tie, dark suit. Behind him were various youths similarly attired, peachy cheeks and zero bumfluff. Beside him was Olaf Henricson-Bell, twin of the Leftie economist Torsten Bell. Owlish Olaf is the Foreign Office’s ‘EU director’.

The committee urged Cameron to replicate pre-Brexit bodies that would effectively harness us to Brussels. Cameron reminded them ‘we’ve decided not to be a member of the EU’. Rishi Sunak had repaired relations with EU leaders. ‘The heat and anger had come out of the relationship’ since Mr Sunak became PM.

There was, perhaps, a subtle dig at Tony Blair when Cameron said he himself purposefully avoided contact with the EU when he stepped down as PM because he ‘didn’t want to undermine London’s negotiating stance’.

Someone asked about our new Pacific trade partnership. ‘There’s no point leaving the EU and not taking advantage of leaving,’ said Cameron. This was greeted by a row of pouts. ‘We’re big enough to matter and small enough to be nimble,’ continued Brexit’s new admirer. We should talk to China as a sovereign nation rather than go running to Brussels asking ‘please, please, can we join your China dialogue?’ Quite skilfully, he was mocking the Remainers as wet, wee fearties.

His new lordship Dave glistened like something off a Mr Sheen advert with his air perfect, dark tie and dark suit

There was, perhaps, a subtle dig at Tony Blair when Cameron said he himself purposefully avoided contact with the EU when he stepped down as PM

Lord Jay, still adjusting to Brexit, used the formula ‘we and the rest of the EU’. It was like hearing a bereaved person talk of the dead in the present tense. But Lord Cameron expressed joy that he no longer had to attend EU summits. ‘I don’t have to get involved in those things any more – what a relief!’ Lady Scott was unamused by his levity. It is possible she is unamused by much in life.

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Smooth operator that he is, Lord Cameron flattered wheezy Lord Liddle (‘thank you for what you do’) for taking part in some international parliamentary freebie. Liddle is an engaging dumpling and looked sweetly pleased. He and Lady Ludford had certainly been to the word mine.

At least two of their questions went on longer than the Mont Blanc tunnel. Lord Hannay tried some pro-European human rights mischief on Rwanda. Cameron brushed the snooty booby aside. He recalled that EU lawyers, who included a Monsieur Hubert Legal, behaved impossibly when we were still members. Having an EU veto was sometimes pointless.

Almost two hours it lasted. Cameron was faultless. Loyal. Assured. Fluent. Centrist in tone yet distinctively Tory in his arguments. The only time he checked himself was when, discussing artificial intelligence, he said ‘If I myself…’ It sounded as if the next words were going to be ‘… were prime minister’.

Come on, he would only be human if it had indeed drifted through his thoughts. Imagine a Cameron v Starmer election. What do you reckon? Tory majority of 25?

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