For LGBTQ+ people, being outed against our will can be one of the most terrifying things.
So when it happened to Rebel Wilson last week, I felt all of her pain. Except hers happened on a global scale.
When Rebel announced recently that she had her very own ‘Disney Princess’ via the most adorable social media post, it seemed nothing other than wholesome on the surface.
However, it soon transpired that Australian newspaper the Sydney Morning Herald (SMH) had been planning to publish details of her new romance, so it appears they forced her hand in coming out.
Not only that, but the language this publication used when discussing Rebel’s history of dating men was vile. They suggested she was happy to ‘brag’ about her love life with her ex-boyfriend, questioning why she didn’t do the same with her new girlfriend.
Well, is it any wonder she wasn’t so loud about her romance when she was being forced to address her new relationship and she works in an industry where homophobia is around every corner?
Plus, it’s a new relationship. They’re figuring stuff out. Getting to know each other – just like any straight couple does. People need time to adjust and settle into a romance before the whole world becomes privy to it.
As soon as I learnt about this, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. Because no matter our status or how famous we are, I believe we queer people are united by our trauma and shared experiences.
Rebel may be more famous than I will ever be and her coming out may have been on a much grander scale, but at that moment, I understand exactly how she must have felt.
There have been times when other people have made jibes about my sexuality in public before I had even come out to them, but when they had a suspicion that I wasn’t straight. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
When comments about my own sexuality have been made, I have to awkwardly laugh them off and take it on the chin. Inside, though, I am questioning my safety and fearing for my life.
Every time I walk into a room and meet new people, I have to make an assessment as to whether it’s OK for me to be my true self, or whether that would expose me to harm.
I have to decide whether being out at work could lose me my job, whether being out with friends would destroy our close bond, and whether being out to my family could get me totally ostracised.
That’s why I know that there is never an excuse for ‘outing’ someone or pressuring them to reveal who they are to the world when they aren’t ready. It makes me sick to know it’s still happening to people with major platforms.
It happened to Portia de Rossi in the early 2000s when photos were published of her with a girlfriend before she came out.
It happened in 2002 to Will Young who came out himself upon learning that a tabloid newspaper was about to out him.
It happened in 2006 to Neil Patrick Harris when he came out following media speculation from the likes of Perez Hilton’s gossip blog.
And I would’ve hoped it wouldn’t be happening now. But it is.
After the article was published, Rebel tweeted that it was a ‘very hard situation’ but she’s trying to ‘handle it with grace.’
Now, the SMH has taken down the original piece written about her, with the columnist, Andrew Hornery, admitting that he made mistakes in dealing with the story.
But taking an article down doesn’t reverse the damage it has caused. Once you have attempted to out someone, you can’t undo that.
There have been times when other people have made jibes about my sexuality in public before I had even come out to them, but when they had a suspicion that I wasn’t straight
Pretending like it never happened doesn’t piece back together their self-esteem, or resolve their family conflict, or suddenly make someone feel accepted and loved.
What hurts just as much is for Hornery to admit that, as a gay man himself, he is ‘well aware of how deeply discrimination hurts’ and ‘the last thing I would ever want to do is inflict that pain on someone else’. Because I believe that’s exactly what he did.
Members of our community shouldn’t be turning their backs on one another and, while he claims to have understood the weight of outing someone against their will, it begs the question, why consider doing it then? It now seems that, since Rebel got there before him and outed herself before he could print the exclusive, he’s decided to out himself as ignorant.
It needs to be said that outing someone’s gender or sexuality isn’t the same as sharing an embarrassing moment. Outing someone isn’t on the same harmless level as revealing that time a friend fell over in public, or walked into the wrong bathroom by mistake, or drunk-dialled an ex. It doesn’t have the same consequences.
We live at a time when LGBTQ+ hate crimes are on the rise and members of our community are still living in countries where they can be put to death simply for existing as their true selves.
People need to have a true understanding of what that is like – to live every day in terror merely because you love someone who isn’t the opposite sex, or the gender you were assigned at birth isn’t how you identify now.
Everyone deserves the right to come out when they are ready and when it feels safe. Someone’s gender or sexuality doesn’t belong to you and you do not get to decide when they tell the world as if you have some sort of juicy gossip about them.
The only sexuality anyone needs an opinion on in 2022 is their own.
Perhaps you don’t believe coming out should be a major event in modern times – good for you – but we do not live in a world of sunshine and rainbows, and you need to take off those rose-tinted glasses for a second and realise that.
If an LGBTQ+ person wants your help with coming out, they will ask. Until then, no matter what you suspect or what scoop you think you have on someone, keep your mouth shut.
Outing someone is such low behaviour. It is utterly reprehensible. It is throwing someone to the wolves and exposing them to abuse.
The pain of being outed lasts a lifetime because – while society has evolved and become more accepting – knowingly outing someone just drags us right back.
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Metro.co.uk celebrates 50 years of Pride
This year marks 50 years of Pride, so it seems only fitting that Metro.co.uk goes above and beyond in our ongoing LGBTQ+ support, through a wealth of content that not only celebrates all things Pride, but also share stories, take time to reflect and raises awareness for the community this Pride Month.
MORE: Find all of Metro.co.uk’s Pride coverage right here
And we’ve got some great names on board to help us, too. From a list of famous guest editors taking over the site for a week that includes Rob Rinder, Nicola Adams, Peter Tatchell, Kimberly Hart-Simpson, John Whaite, Anna Richardson and Dr Ranj, we’ll also have the likes Sir Ian McKellen and Drag Race stars The Vivienne, Lawrence Chaney and Tia Kofi offering their insights.
During Pride Month, which runs from 1 – 30 June, Metro.co.uk will also be supporting Kyiv Pride, a Ukrainian charity forced to work harder than ever to protect the rights of the LGBTQ+ community during times of conflict, and youth homelessness charity AKT. To find out more about their work, and what you can do to support them, click here.
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