DEAR DEIDRE: Since he cheated on me, my husband hasn’t been able to have sex with me.
He feels so guilty about his affair that it stops him getting an erection. We were trying to mend our relationship, but now things are worse than ever.
I’m 43 and he’s 47. We’ve been married for 18 years and have a teenage daughter.
Six months ago, I discovered that he had been having an affair for the past five years.
A regular client he had ‘frequent meetings’ with turned out to be nothing of the kind. He was actually going to a woman’s flat for sex.
When his affair came to light, I was devastated. He quickly ended the affair and told me it had been a huge mistake, that he loved me and wanted to be with me.
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For the sake of our daughter, I agreed to forgive him and take him back – on condition that we had counselling and worked through our issues.
But since we got back together, our sex life has died a death.
Every time we try to make love, he loses his erection. It’s incredibly frustrating for me, and upsetting for him.
It’s got to the point where he makes excuses not to have sex. We go to bed and turn away from each other.
He promises that he still finds me attractive – more attractive than the woman he had the affair with.
But I feel like we’re further apart than ever and that our marriage can’t be saved.
We brought up the problem with our counsellor, and she said it’s down to his guilt.
Being in bed with me reminds him of being with his other woman, and how much it hurt me, making him anxious.
He’s putting too much pressure on himself to please me and make up for what he did.
I have tried to reassure him. I’ve also tried wearing sexy lingerie, and booking a hotel for the weekend.
Nothing works. The counsellor says we have to be patient but I don’t think the counselling is helping.
Should I just accept it’s time to call it quits?
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DEIDRE SAYS: When a man is anxious or stressed, it’s very common for this to affect his sexual performance.
You agreed to forgive him, but it doesn’t sound like he has forgiven himself.
Until he does, it’s likely this problem will continue to occur.
It’s clear you still love each other.
But perhaps, as your counsellor says, you are expecting too much, too soon.
Rather than donning sexy underwear, or attempting a dirty weekend, take the pressure off by agreeing not to attempt penetrative sex for a while.
Instead, focus on kissing and cuddling.
If you feel the counselling isn’t working, think about seeing another counsellor, perhaps one who specialises in sex therapy.
My support pack Sex Therapy will tell you more and show you how to find a qualified therapist.
And my pack Cheating, Can you Get Over It? should also help you both.
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