Written by Alice Porter
Losing a friend to a new partner they recently started dating can feel upsetting. But why does it happen and what is the best way to broach the subject with your friend?
Feeling neglected by a friend when they get into a new relationship is something many people have experienced. Whether their absence is temporary or permanent, it’s common for people to completely throw themselves into a new relationship, leaving no time or space for their friends.
This is a theme that has been explored in TV shows like Everything I Know About Love and, often, it might even lead to a friendship break-up. After all, it can be hard to maintain a friendship if it’s one-sided and the person in a new relationship doesn’t make the effort to make time for their old friends anymore.
So why does it hurt so much when someone abandons your friendship for a new romantic partner? And why do people neglect their friendships during the honeymoon phase to begin with? According to Dr Nilu Ahmed, a behavioural psychologist at the University of Bristol, it often comes down to self-esteem and the ways in which we feel about ourselves.
Why do people neglect their friendships when they get into new romantic relationships?
Of course, when you first get into a relationship it’s natural to want to spend a lot of time with your new partner. Falling in love generates chemicals in the brain that make you feel good which, in turn, makes you want to spend more time with the person making you feel like that.
But it isn’t as simple as that. According to Dr Ahmed, there’s an evolutionary reason as to why people neglect other parts of their lives in favour of their partner: “We want to show our best selves to our new partner – we want to be available to them until we know what works for the relationship,” she explains.
“As those relationships then begin to settle, people do end up spending less time with each other but that initial part of relationship [on an evolutionary level] is about making sure that we capture the attention of our partner so they don’t find someone else.”
Realistically, you obviously don’t need your partner’s attention all the time in order for the early stages of a relationship to be successful. But Dr Ahmed explains that, psychologically, this is why someone might be inclined to want to spend a lot of time with their new partner.
Why does it hurt so much when a friend abandons you when they get into a new relationship?
Even if you are able to rationalise your friend’s behaviour when they start to make less effort with you, it can still be frustrating and upsetting. Your first instinct might be to assume your friendship doesn’t mean as much to your friend as it does to you, but Dr Ahmed says that this isn’t necessarily the case.
“With strong friendships, people will take some time out to establish the new norms for the relationship they’re in and set some boundaries for themselves and their partner,” she says. “Then they’ll come back to the friendship and rebuild that too.”
However, even if you do only face this kind of neglect for a few weeks or months, it might still feel painful, especially if you’re someone who likes routine. Dr Ahmed explains that if you’ve got an established pattern with your friends – for example, you go out every weekend or speak to each other on the phone once a month – it can be jarring when this is disrupted.
One of the main psychological reasons that this experience can be so upsetting, however, comes down to feelings of rejection, Dr Ahmed stresses: “Ask yourself: are you taking it too personally? What is it that’s making you feel negatively and feel low? Is it the fact that your friend doesn’t have enough time to spend with you? Or is it that actually you wish you were in a relationship? It could be exposing another need that we have in ourselves.”
Being neglected by a friend can also be a lot more difficult to handle when you rely on a certain friend or when you aren’t in a friendship group together, which means you’ll notice their absence more.
What should you do if your friend is neglecting you because they’re in a new relationship?
When a friend is pulling back, you might feel like you should make less of an effort with the friendship too. But Dr Ahmed says it’s crucial to be open and prioritise communication. “You might feel vulnerable – you might not want to tell your friend you’ve missed them or that you feel lonely but if they’re a good friend they will understand that and reflect on their behaviour,” she says.
“Good friendship will withstand that kind of honesty and openness,” adds Dr Ahmed. It’s crucial that you try to avoid accusing your friend of having done something wrong when you start these conversations. Instead, simply tell them how you feel – a good friend will be able to understand what they can do to make you feel better. However, it might be helpful to tell them what you want from the friendship so you can set healthy boundaries. For example, how often would you like to speak? Do you want to meet regularly each month or week or would you prefer a more informal friendship? Boundaries in friendships are just as important as they are in relationships.
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