This is the number one thing that causes fighting in your relationship – and the best way to prevent it
- Couples therapist Trevor Hanson reveals the top reason couples fight
- People misunderstand their partner’s intentions and become defensive
A professional couples therapist has revealed the top reason that causes most people in relationships to argue.
Trevor Hanson, from the US, said that there is one thing that is the ‘absolute, for sure, consistent’ reason that holds couples back from having ‘amazing’ relationships.
A lack of proper communication and oft-crossed wires can lead to built up resentment in the long term.
‘Missing the meaning or interpretation behind everything that is said and done in your relationship creates conflict,’ wrote Hanson.
He warned against getting stuck in a loop where the true message and intention is completely lost and misconstrued.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CqId1a3uL5v/
A post shared by Trevor Hanson, Associate Utah Couples Therapist (@theartofhealingbytrevor)
Common things couples argue about
Lack of communication
Not enough emotional intimacy
Incompatible sex drives
Future plans and financial security
Dissimilar familial priorities
We become activated, triggered, and confrontational when our partner says or does something that causes us to feel rejected, unappreciated, disregarded, abandoned,’ the therapist said in a post.
‘The deeper connecting message is completely lost. Both partners walk away feeling hurt and disconnected.’
Hanson revealed that couples can stop the pattern of misunderstanding each other by taking some time to process their emotions.
A serious way would be to slow down and ask their partner to elaborate on perceived slights and let the other person know why their feelings are hurt.
‘The key to getting out of these hurtful patterns is by learning to recognise the deeper meaning, slow down emotional reactivity, and communicate about the deeper meanings in a way that creates closeness.’
Hanson said that one person can start to break the pattern alone by changing the way they communicate.
‘[You can do this] even if your partner is not yet willing to do the work.’
Emotionally intense conversations often cause people to put their guards up because they fear being attacked and told that they are not good enough.
One of the main reasons such conversations produce more hurt is because people are already expecting to be let down.
‘You work so hard to find this person that you love,’ Hanson said. ‘Let’s not lose that!’
Trevor Hanson [pictured], from the US, said that there is one thing that is the ‘absolute, for sure, consistent’ reason that holds couples back from having ‘amazing’ relationships
Example of miscommunication
Partner 1
What is said:
‘We don’t ever go on dates anymore!’ (complaint)
The meaning Partner 2 made of it:
‘You are a bad partner and are unappreciated by me.’
What was actually meant:
‘I love you so much and I miss going on dates with you. Can we go on more dates?’
Partner 2
What is said in response:
‘You are ungrateful for what I do! I can never do enough.’ (Defence)
The meaning Partner 1 made of it:
‘What you want (more dates) or how you feel is unimportant to me.’
What was actually meant:
‘I so badly want the good I do to be recognised by you. Your view of me matters so much because I love you.’
Source: Trevor Hanson
Thousands who saw his post were quick to thank Hanson for sharing his advice and share their own experiences.
‘Ironically, my ex and I had a similar conversation in a restaurant once,’ a woman said. ‘I asked that we do more activities together and he thought I was breaking up with him.’
‘Holy heck,’ said another. ‘I think [my relationship] needed to hear this.’
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