How to solve the three most common rows: TRACEY COX reveals the topics ALL couples clash on – and why clashing over housework is ruining your sex life

• Sex, money and housework are the three things that couples argue about most
• READ MORE: Think you’ve gone off sex for good? I have a four-step plan to get you back on track, says TRACEY COX (and it really works!)

Housework, money and sex. They’re the three things most couples argue most about – and the topics most likely to become what therapists call ‘perpetual problems’.

These are the issues couples fight about constantly but never seem to find a solution for.

One reason why is that lots of couples don’t know how to talk about the key relationship issues that are integral to making us happy.

Here’s my take on how to get what you both want and break the cycle once and for all.

The most common sex argument is one person wanting it more than the other. Lack of desire and no longer finding your partner attractive follow closely behind (stock image)

WHY YOU’RE FIGTHING ABOUT MONEY

Fights over finances are by far the top predictor of divorce. They cause people to lie (one third of people say they’ve hidden a purchase from their partner), increase stress, impact on health and break down trust in a relationship.

Couples also fight about money because they don’t know how to talk about it: it’s still a taboo topic. 

We’ll moan about our sex lives in front of friends and make (pointed) jokes about housework. But few couples talk about how much they have in the bank and why in public – or private.

How to solve it for good 

You’ll never solve money issues unless you…

Work out your spending styles. Our relationship with money is strongly influenced by our childhood experience of money. 

THE LINK BETWEEN HOUSEWORK AND SEX 

Sex and housework are the two things just about all couples argue about at some stage. Generally, men want more sex and women want a fairer division of the housework. 

US relationships guru John Gottman believes one feeds the other. Both sex and housework require energy, and most of us have only got so much left at the end of a hard day.

There is still a strong gender bias when it comes to doing the chores. In plenty of relationships, the man will be the one who comes home from work, flops in front of the telly and relaxes with a beer while the woman organises dinner. 

She’ll cook, clean up, do the dishes, work out what’s needed for the next night’s meal then it’s time for bed. Guess who’ll feel more like sex once in it?

The quickest way a man can boost the amount of sex he’s having with his partner is to do his share of the housework. 

It’s a fact: men who do more housework and involve themselves with the kids have better sex lives and happier relationships than those who don’t. 

If he does his bit, she not only has more energy, she feels more valued and respected. The spin-off? She’s in the right head space to feel sexy.

Treat her like a servant and she’ll feel as resentful as hell and carry that feeling into bed with her. 

Ever noticed how the rubbish feels heavier and the pile of dishes seems higher when you’re thinking, B*****d! He should be helping me with this!? 

Ever jumped into bed after feeling like that and said, ‘Wow! I really feel like having sex with you!?’

Feeling rather smug because you do your share?

Don’t. Gottman did a survey on 50 men who considered themselves ‘liberated’ and compared them to 50 guys who admitted they thought it was a woman’s job to do the housework. 

Guess how much housework the liberated guys did compared to the chauvinists?

A mere four minutes a day.

Buying a new pair of jeans can trigger anxiety and fear in one person from a background where money was tight and spark happiness and joy in a person where money was plentiful and well-managed.

Personalities play a part as well. Born worriers worry about money: they’ll make sure they’ve got more than enough to cover the impending disasters they’re convinced are about to happen. 

Happy-go-lucky types don’t expect bad things to happen to them, so tend not to plan for them.

Ask each other questions: Is money something we spend now or something we save for hard times? How does spending money make you feel? How did money affect your family when you were growing up? How did your parents manage money?

Look beneath the surface. How much money we have is an indication of how well/not so well we think we’ve done in life. It’s a sensitive issue.

How we spend money reflects what we value the most: if you both want to spend on different things, it can mean you have different dreams. 

If you’re sacrificing that longed for lipstick to clothe your kids, watching a partner drink half his wage at the pub is upsetting – and infuriating.

The best way to take the edge of a conversation is to do it more often. Setting a regular time to chat about money also stops you arguing in the meantime. 

Unless there’s a very good reason to break the promise, avoid talking about it outside the time you agree on (no eye rolling or tut-tutting either). Knowing you’ll be discussing how each of you have spent and saved, forces you to stay on track. 

Knowing you’ll have the chance to talk about your partner’s spending later, stops you doing it 20 times a day.

Set up some joint accounts. Keep your personal accounts but open a joint one (or more) for shared expenses and/or future goals. 

It’s a nice blend between retaining individuality and working together, and it also allows for different spending styles. 

If you both agree on an amount to deposit in the joint account, does it really matter what they do with the rest of it?

The person best at managing money gets to control of the budget. This doesn’t mean the other person hands over their wage and closes their eyes. It just acknowledges who is usually better at remembering when things are due. 

If you want to share responsibility evenly, set aside one hour at the same time each week or fortnight to sit down together to pay bills and revise where you’re at.

Decide when you need to check with each other. While no one wants to answer to their partner for every pound they part with, you might like to ‘check’ on major personal purchases. 

Decide what’s none of each other’s business (presents for best friends) and what is (a £10,000 stereo system for the car).

Don’t forget to save for fun things. Putting money away for bills is boring (albeit necessary). Money is for rewards as well. 

Choose one thing you’d each love to have but can’t afford right now, then set up a saving plan for it. A holiday account or new sofa/car account.

WHY YOU’RE FIGHTING ABOUT SEX

Sex makes us feel at our most vulnerable. It shines a spotlight on body image and self-esteem issues; makes us worry about our performance. 

Different cultural or moral expectations affect how sex makes us feel; what we want from it can differ greatly person to person. Some just want to be sexually gratified; others want mainly emotional connection.

The most common sex argument is one person wanting it more than the other. Lack of desire and no longer finding your partner attractive follow closely behind.

Tracey urges partners to approach sex issues as a couple problem that’s no one’s fault. The person who wants sex more isn’t ‘sexier’ or ‘better’. The person who wants sex less isn’t ‘frigid’ or the one with ‘the problem’

How to solve it for good

These are the key areas to focus on, regardless of what you think the problem is.

Know what you want. This sounds basic but lots of people don’t know. Be specific. You want more sex? How much more? What type of sex – intercourse, oral, hand jobs? When do you want it? Where? For how long exactly? 

Which part of the sex session do you want to last the longest? Do you want more orgasms or sex more often or for sex to last longer? Really think things through before you talk.

Force yourselves to talk about what’s going on. You can’t shut couples up talking about sex when it’s going well, then when you really need to talk – when problems hit – you’re both quieter than a three-year-old discovering their Mum’s make-up stash. 

Hurt, tense, anxious – talking under these circumstances isn’t fun but talk you must.

Approach it as a couple problem that’s no one’s fault. Both of you are hurt and no one’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. The person who wants sex more isn’t ‘sexier’ or ‘better’. The person who wants sex less isn’t ‘frigid’ or the one with ‘the problem’. 

If there’s a desire mismatch, one of you feels rejected, the other feels pressured and hassled. It doesn’t feel great on either side. Stop blaming and start working as a team.

If you want more of the same talk about the great times you’ve already had in bed. Say exactly what you loved about it (‘Wasn’t it great to make love outside’).

It builds up their confidence and cements your sexual history. Couples who talk a lot about the good times they’ve had are happier than those who don’t.

If you want something done differently gently suggest new things, rather than criticise what they’re already doing. ‘I love it when you give me oral. Can you do it for longer, sometimes I feel rushed’, rather than ‘You never give me oral sex for long enough’.

Embrace the dreaded ‘C’ word. Compromise. If either of you are unhappy with the amount of sex you’re having, do this. 

The high desire person decides on the least amount of sex per fortnight they’d be happy with. The low desire person decides on the most often they’d be willing to do it. Then you choose the number in the middle of the two. 

Making it fortnightly allows for life interfering with the commitment. Make it monthly and you forget what you promised. It’s a good starting point.

What made it work when it worked? What did you both do differently back then? How did you treat each other in and out of bed? What was different about your lives? Write down specifics and work out how to reintroduce the key elements.

Whoever wants sex the least, needs to be the one instigating sex. The low desire person sets the frequency because it’s only when they give the thumbs up that sex happens. 

If this is you, turn the tables to be the one who suggests sex, rather than rejects it and watch the dynamics change dramatically. 

Being the one to want sex, the one asking for it, instantly makes you feel sexier, more powerful, in charge. 

Your partner, used to being knocked back, is both surprised and (hopefully) thrilled. Their ego gets a boost: maybe you fancy them after all? Maybe you like having sex with them! Maybe, just maybe, you want them as much as they want you. It’s win-win for both.

Don’t expect it to be solved overnight. After the first honest chat, couples often feel so liberated, uplifted and relieved, it feels like everything is fixed already – just by talking! 

Don’t get me wrong, you’ve just tackled the hardest part – admitting there’s a problem – but there’s still a little way to go before you start to see real results in the bedroom. Be patient with each other.

WHY YOU’RE ARGUING OVER HOUSEWORK

HOW TO TAKE THE HEAT OUT OF AN ARGUMENT 

Follow these eight rules to make all discussions go smoothly.

Make sure you know what you’re arguing about. Ask, ‘Why is that important to you?’ and, ‘Why do you want that?’ and the argument could be over before it’s started.

Rate how important the argument is. Each of you give the issue a mark out of ten for importance. 

Whoever gives it the highest score should get the lion’s share of talking time.

If it’s something you’re sensitive about, admit it. Say, ‘Look, this is a sore point for me because of something that’s happened in my past. Maybe I am overreacting but it’s still really important that we talk this through.’

Word it so you’re giving the reaction you would have liked, rather than what you didn’t like. ‘I’d really ­appreciate it if we could spend more time together,’ rather than, ‘We don’t spend enough time together.’

Take turns. One of you gets centre stage for a full five minutes (time it). They talk, you listen (and no interrupting). 

At the end, you repeat back what you think they just said – continuing until they’re satisfied and feel heard. Then swap.

Ask each other: ‘How do you think we can avoid this happening in the future?’ Listen to their side. If you’re confident you can do what they’re suggesting and are happy to, simply agree. 

If not, put your solution forward. Then talk about how they feel about it.

Take a break if it gets heated. When an argument gets emotional and volatile, we become ‘flooded’. 

Our body reacts physically: part of the brain shuts down and puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode. 

You stop listening, you can’t think logically or express yourself effectively. 

If this happens, wait 20 minutes for the stress hormones to leave your body before resuming the conversation. 

Make a cup of tea, go for a walk, take some deep breaths to restore a sense of calm.

You don’t have to solve the argument to end it. Even if you haven’t come up with a solution, don’t beat it to death.

If you’ve been at it, hammer and tongs, for two hours, that’s enough. 

Call a truce and resume the conversation later.

One study found 56 per cent of divorcing couples claimed uneven management of chores was a major factor in their divorce.

Hard not to be sexist about this but impossible not to be when research shows less than seven percent of couples in the UK share housework equally. 

Extraordinary that even in these more liberated times, housework is still seen as a ‘woman’s job’. It’s not. It’s a couple’s job. 

You aren’t ‘helping’ her by making the bed, you’re sharing the necessary chores that make both your lives more comfortable.

You both make the mess, it’s logical that both of you should clean it up, and being treated like a servant is not fun.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR NEXT ARGUMENT YOUR LAST

If you’re a woman reading this, by far and away the most important thing to do is…

Stop mothering your partner. ‘Don’t forget to pick up your dry-cleaning.’ ‘How many times have I told you not to leave wet towels on the floor!’ 

If you treat someone like a child, you’re giving them the message that they can’t look after themselves. Treat them like an adult and they might just start acting like one.

Your sex life will also thank you. The quickest way to kill passion is to mother your partner. 

He starts behaving like a son, you start thinking of him as one; you start behaving like a mother, he starts seeing you as his. And who wants to sleep with their mother or their son?

List all the things that need doing every week. Not just the cleaning but things like grocery lists, washing, ironing, shopping and who plans the weekend’s social activities. Everything you do as a couple should be shared. 

Women tend to be the social organisers. We’re the ones who remember someone’s birthday, buy the present, wrap and write on the card, arrange a dinner and bake the cake. 

We’re also the ones to organize who we’re seeing on the weekend, when, where and what time. We juggle friends so they’re all happy. That takes time and effort, so it’s imperative this is also taken into account.

Each pick what you like doing best (or rather, what you dislike doing least). If you don’t mind washing up and he doesn’t mind ironing, split it that way. 

If you detest washing the car and the other doesn’t like it much either but hates it less passionately, that chore goes to them.

Split it as fairly as possible. It doesn’t have to be 50–50. If one person works full-time and the other part-time, you might decide a 70–30 split is fair. 

Some couples swap chores from week to week to even it up that way. Others take one look at the list and decide they’d rather fork out for a cleaner and get their ironing done than waste precious weekend time.

Remember you can use trade-offs. You might put up with doing all the washing and ironing if he gives you a weekly massage. He might take on more cleaning if you do all the social stuff like keeping up with friends. 

The bottom line is as always: compromise and communication.

• Tracey’s book, Hot Relationships: How to Have One, is a lifelong guide to navigating relationships. Find Tracey’s books, blog, podcast and products on traceycox.com.

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