Can you really stop your partner from having an affair? TRACEY COX says some cheating IS avoidable – and reveals 9 steps to prevent it
- Some people will cheat no matter what, but some affairs can be stopped
- READ MORE: The biggest marriage killer is NOT what you think, says Tracey Cox
Some partners are going to cheat no matter how good the marriage.
But for the rest of us, those who go into a relationship wanting to be both happy and monogamous, being faithful is an achievable goal.
Why then do ‘nice’ people cheat?
Because they do: a solid percentage of people who admit to having an affair also say they love their partner and are happy with their sex life.
Affairs aren’t just about not getting enough at home.
The reasons why people have them are often far more complicated – or a stupid consequence of making silly decisions that haven’t been thought through…
1. Set rules for online behaviour
‘She’d prefer me doing this than cheating in the flesh,’ says one friend of mine who has a well-used Only Fans account.
He might be right.
Technology has blurred the ‘What’s cheating?’ lines so much, people vary enormously in what they think is acceptable and what isn’t.
Online behaviour gives the illusion of distance from real life. You’re not touching, smelling, kissing or licking someone’s body in the flesh. How can it count as cheating if it’s only on a screen?
The answer to that is subjective and personal.
Take porn. Some women couldn’t care less if their partners watch it, others would leave a relationship if they found solid proof their partner indulged regularly.
Following people on Instagram also divides. The hot but respectable actress your partner follows might be deemed OK by one person. Another might find it a betrayal.
Having an honest discussion about what you both will and won’t put up with from each other online is the number one thing you can do to avoid either of you stepping over the mark into something you didn’t really set out to do.
Of all the advice offered here, research proves this is the most important thing you can do to safeguard your relationship.
If you have agreed on a set of rules, you are both far less likely to do something stupid on a whim.
2. Find out and (if possible) indulge their ‘thing’
All of us have a murky sexual underbelly that we don’t often show to others, not even our partners.
A fantasy you masturbate to, that’s a little out there. A porn category we watch that we’re never going to admit to. Wanting our partners to do something we aren’t game to ask for.
Most of the time, these unspoken wants and needs are satisfied by solo sex and fantasy. But sometimes they aren’t.
One reason why people step outside their primary relationship for sex is to satisfy a sexual urge their partner knows nothing about.
Sometimes, it’s a fetish: BDSM is common cited. Other times, the sex the person craves is something their partner would be more than happy to indulge. They’re bored by the vanilla sex on offer as well.
Being able to talk about sex openly and honestly, expressing desires that aren’t terribly ‘woke’ or ‘feminine’ or ‘manly’ is one guaranteed way to affair-proof your relationship.
3. Do nice things – all the time
To have a bullet-proof relationship you need appreciation, not apathy.
Don’t think, ‘That’s just what a husband/wife should do’. Say, ‘Thanks so much for picking me up from the station. I really appreciate it.’
Tracey Cox says that while some people will cheat no matter what, there are some steps you can take to prevent an affair
One study found simple gestures – like making a cup of tea for your partner, unasked – counted far more in relationship satisfaction than splashing out on expensive grand gestures.
Spoiling your partner on their birthday doesn’t make up for ignoring them the rest of the year.
Everyday acts of kindness matter more.
4. Initiate sex – and do it the right way
Initiating sex is standard how-to-have-a-happy-relationship advice. So why aren’t you doing it?
In a startling number of couples, initiating sex is left up to one person with the other rarely instigating.
If you never initiate sex with your partner, you’re effectively saying ‘I only have sex with you to please you’. Not great for our sexual self-esteem – which can lead to seeking validation elsewhere.
The WAY you initiate sex can also make or break your sex life, making it more likely they’ll look for love or lust elsewhere.
If one wants to be thrown against a wall and ravished passionately and the other needs to be wooed in a more romantic way, being seduced in a way that just doesn’t do it for you, often means no sex at all.
5. Worry less about frequency, more about quality
It’s not a lack of regular sex that tempts people to cheat, it’s a lack of satisfying sex.
In couples with mismatched sex drives, the higher sex person is usually happy with what’s on offer – even if it’s far less often than they’d like – if the sex they do have is good and enjoyed by both partners.
It’s not the amount of sex you’re having, it’s the kind of sex. Sex once a month that’s generous, enthusiastic and mutually satisfying trumps resentful, miserable three-times-a-week encounters hands down.
‘I accept that her sex drive is lower than mine,’ one man told me. ‘I’m highly sexed, she isn’t. We don’t have it as much as I’d like but when we do, it’s worth the wait. I’m happy masturbating solo the rest of the time.’
6. Accept that love is kind, not blind (or deaf)
‘I’m just not attracted to my husband anymore’, one woman wrote to me recently. ‘He’s put on weight, he never dresses nicely, he sits around and does nothing. Why would I want to have sex with someone like that?’.
No-one’s saying you must look the same as when you met – that’s impossible and unworkable. But the unspoken deal of monogamy surely includes a pact that you will both make sure you stay healthy and try to look and be the best you can be.
I’m not just talking appearance here.
It’s quite a shock – but not uncommon – to marry a happy, optimistic person and end up with a pessimistic, angry partner you don’t recognise.
Be nice to live with.
If life isn’t turning out the way you’d hoped and you’re struggling, do something about it. At the very least, talk to your partner so they’ll understand why you’re difficult.
7. Have real conversations
If you’re talking mostly about logistics – who is picking up the kids, taking the car in for a service – and rarely about feelings, you’re headed for trouble.
‘My partner didn’t see me’. ‘I felt invisible’. ‘I didn’t feel like I was important to them’. ‘I didn’t feel heard’. These are the reasons many people cite when justifying an affair.
Don’t just ask, ‘How was your day’, listen to their response. Stop multi-tasking, give full attention, make eye-contact.
If something happens, ask how it makes them feel.
Remember to talk about dreams as well as practical matters. Are they happy with where they’re at in life? Is there something on their bucket list that they’re longing to do?
We are closest to the people who know the most about us.
8. Watch their relationship with their phone
Yes, we all know this one. But it’s easy to miss if you’re so caught up in other areas of your life.
Taking the phone with them everyone, including into the bathroom while having a shower. Angling the screen away when sending a text. Jumping when there’s a new alert. Mood changes that seem directly linked to phone activity.
Phone secrecy and unusual protectiveness is probably the most reliable indicator something fishy is going.
Be aware though, that secret affairs aren’t the only reason people might not want you looking through their phones. Could be they’ve been watching porn and don’t want you to see, following people they shouldn’t be on their socials, they might have a gambling problem or be protecting their friend who is up to no good and doesn’t want you to know.
Regardless, this calls for immediate action.
Ask them directly why their phone is so important. List the behaviours you find odd. Tell them you are concerned they may be getting involved with someone else and ask if you can look through their phone to allay your fears.
If they’re innocent and it’s unusual for you to make such a request, they’ll hand it over.
I don’t believe anything good ever comes from secretly checking your partner’s phone but if you ask and they refuse, this is one instance when it’s understandable.
9. Meet any new friends they’re particularly keen on
Finding someone else as sexy as hell, isn’t great.
But far more dangerous is your partner’s ‘work wife/husband’ or new friend they are suddenly talking about often or spending time with.
Emotional affairs are more threatening to a marriage than sex-based affairs. These relationships start off as innocent friendship, then subtly shift over time into something more sinister. Pivotal moments are when one or both of you start complaining about your partner to each other. It’s not too big a leap to then think, ‘This person understands me much better than my spouse. And why have I not noticed how attractive they are?’.
Is your partner talking a lot about someone at work? Unusually interested in the new person at the tennis club or gym?
Ask them questions about the person, say they sound great and you’d love to meet them, too.
It’s easy to pretend a wife or husband doesn’t exist if you haven’t met them.
Meet their ‘friend’ early into their relationship and you can provide the wakeup call it needed to stop developing further.
You’ll find Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, wherever good books are sold. Her two product ranges – Tracey Cox Edge and Supersex – are available on Lovehoney.
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