‘Her ex was 11 inches and I still get stressed about it’: People tell Tracey Cox why they’re intimidated by their partner’s ex-lovers (as she shares her tips to stop obsessing)
- Tracey Cox says that everyone has felt intimidated of an ex at some point
- People also worry about what their partner will think of their own past antics
- While most can move on, some people fixate on their lover’s past
- Has shared her top ten tips to help you move on and be happier
It’s unnerving to think the person we’re now in love with, has loved others before.
Not only that but had sex with them. Kissed them, licked them, had an orgasm with them… Maybe liked doing all of those things more with other people, than they like doing it with us?
There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t felt intimidated by their partner’s ex or sexual past.
It’s not pleasant thinking about our partner with others – and it’s also uncomfortable worrying what they’d think of us, if they knew what we’d really got up to.
What if she’s had more lovers than me? What if he finds out I’ve slept with way more people than he has?
Will she be shocked if I confess I went to that fetish club? What if he’s tried everything and thinks I’m boring because I haven’t?
What if he’s into something I’m not interested in trying? What if she finds out my secret ‘thing’?
Plenty of rip-roaring rows have been caused when one partner admits to a threesome and the other hasn’t had one. Or a woman finds out her partner has been with a sex worker.
But most of us find a way to make peace with it – usually by rather sensibly accepting that there’s nothing you can do about it now.
For others, niggly, paranoid thoughts linger.
I asked people to anonymously tell me if they’ve ever felt haunted or intimidated by a partner’s past.
Here’s what they told me.
People tell all to Tracey Cox if they’ve ever felt intimidated by a partner’s past or if they are fearful to tell the truth about their own past (stock image)
He’s always boasting about how great his ex was in bed
Olivia, 24, has been with her boyfriend 18 months
‘Our relationship is on and off because of his ex. They went out together for about a year a while ago but, even though she dumped him, they’ve stayed quite good friends.
He’s always liking her stuff on social media and commenting about how beautiful or sexy she is. At the start of our relationship, he would constantly boast about how great she is in bed – that she gave a hell BJ and things like that. He’s mentioned so often how sexy she is. I don’t know if he’s trying to big himself up because they used to go out but he knows it really upsets me.
Tracey (pictured) says there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t felt intimated by their partner’s ex or sexual past
He doesn’t talk about her to me now but still interacts with her online. Every time we have sex, I think that he’s wishing he was with her not me. When he closes his eyes, I worry he is imagining penetrating her body not mine. I think we have decent sex and he seems satisfied but he doesn’t rave about it, the way he did with her.
She’s the reason we keep breaking up. I try not to look at her Instagram but I can’t help it. She’s one of those girls who’s had everything done – lips, breasts, fillers, hair extensions, fake nails, fake tan. But she somehow manages to look great rather than tacky. My look is far more natural, which is what my boyfriend says he likes about me, yet he’s always commenting about her ‘enhancements’. Great lips/great t***/lush body. I’ve asked him to stop contact with her and he refuses and so we split. Then I miss him, get back with him and try to accept their ‘friendship’ – until it all gets too much for me.
I don’t think my boyfriend has slept with lots of women: our number is about the same. But he doesn’t know my ex-lovers and I certainly don’t tell him how good they were in bed, even though one of them used to give the best oral sex I’ve ever had. Way better than him! But why would I tell him that and make him feel bad about himself? It’s a shame he doesn’t have the same respect for me.’
Her ex was 11 inches and I still get stressed about it
HOW TO STOP DWELLING ON THE PAST
Unless you’re dating a virgin, everyone comes with a past. It’s unavoidable.
Here’s how to move forward into what’s most important: the present.
1. Do you REALLY want to know details of your partner’s sexual history? Why?
The best way to find out is to let it play out over time. Significant relationships – good and bad – nearly always get a mention eventually. You’ll usually get a hint of their sexual past through comments they make (or others around them). Lots of people find it difficult hearing details of someone they love with another person – yet still feel compelled to ask. Resist the urge. Often the only thing that results is paranoia.
2. There are other ways to suss out your partner’s ‘adventure’ threshold.
Sometimes, we want to know our lover’s sexual history to see if they’d be receptive to something a little ‘out there’ that we’d like to try now. (Did you ever get into tie-up games, honey? Ever go a sex party?) But there are cleverer ways to find out. Say you had a dream about the two of you doing what you’d like to and see what their reaction is. If they look intrigued, say, ‘How about we try it sometime?’. If they look appalled or uninterested, forget it.
3. Why are you dwelling on what happened before you?
Is it because you don’t feel secure of your partner’s feelings? Instead of ‘Am I the best you’ve ever had?’, a better question is, ‘Can you reassure me that you are happy with our sex life?. Talk to your partner about it. Tell them you feel intimidated and why. Ask for reassurance. Then – most importantly – accept what they tell you.
4. It’s immature to always want to be your partner’s first.
Have you stopped enjoying your favourite food just because you’ve eaten it before? Of course not. Getting upset because your partner had a sexual experience you haven’t yet had with someone else is childish. It will be the first time you’ve done it TOGETHER. That makes everything a first.
5. Not everyone wants a repeat of something they’ve done in their past.
Our tastes change. Once is often enough. Circumstances change. You might have loved the wild experiences in your past but have no desire to repeat them at a later stage when your focus is on commitment and children. The person you see in front of you now is not the same person they were back then.
6. Often the best sex we have is with people we’re completely incompatible with.
The hottest person you ever slept with is also often the most unreliable. What makes us lust after someone is different to what makes us want to settle down. Even if they did have fantastic sex with an ex, that might have been the only thing they had going.
7. You can have 100 lovers and still be rubbish in bed.
We learn most about sex in longer term relationships. If you only ever had one lover in your life but immersed yourself in each other and were curious and adventurous sexually, you’ll be a far better lover than someone who has only had casual sex.
8. Beauty and ‘sexiness’ are subjective.
One person’s idea of glorious is another’s idea of Ewwww.
9. Snooping on social media will make it worse.
Yes, it’s normal to want to see what your new partner’s exes look like. But keep it brief; trawling through months or years of their history puts you on the path to obsessive thinking.
10. There’s nothing they can do about it now.
Your partner can’t step into a time machine and undo what’s done. They didn’t know you when it happened. Their past is their business, not yours.
Stevie, 43, is married
‘My wife and I are always honest with each other and not long after we got together, we had a few drinks and asked each other the usual questions about who was there before. I asked who was the biggest she’d had – knowing I’m not huge – and she said her ex was really big. Eleven inches apparently!
I was shocked and took it in my stride but every now and again I wonder if she’s thinking about him and how big he is. I often see him around and he’s a good looking guy, six-pack etc, and I can’t help but feel intimidated by him.
My wife assured me that although he was big, it doesn’t mean he was good. She said they were only together a short time and that it was uncomfortable, and he thought because he was huge, he didn’t need to do any foreplay.
But I can’t get my head around it and occasionally still feel stressed about it.’
I’ve had more than 60 lovers – and he has no idea
Ellen, 48, is married with a child
‘I stopped counting lovers very early. I had a huge appetite for sex from the start and quickly became aware this wasn’t the norm for a female. I never considered myself promiscuous – I’ve only had one one-night-stand in my life! – but I did have a lot of short term relationships.
For me, it was all about the thrill of the chase and experimenting with the sexual power I had over men. Playing the game was a huge erotic turn on for me; the actual sex that eventually resulted rarely lived up to expectations. I had a career that was the focus of my life, so didn’t want any serious relationships. I didn’t settle down until I was 43 and I’m guessing I’ve slept with at least 60-odd men in my life.
My husband is the complete opposite to me. I don’t know for sure, but I am guessing he’s probably slept with five women. He is the classic serial monogamist: went out with his childhood sweetheart until 22, then had a series of long-term relationships after that. I asked if he mucked about in between girlfriends, and he said he’s not got the right personality for casual sex.
He’s never asked the ‘How many before me?’ question and I’ve never asked him. I think you can figure out a rough estimate without putting someone on the spot. Most of the time. I’ve never pretended I was an angel but I don’t think he has any idea of just how many men I have had sex with. I’m not sure he would really care – he knows I have zero interest in cheating or having sex with anyone other than him. But I don’t see any point in telling him and giving him a complex or being judged.
Some of my friends are aware of just how sexually active I’ve been in the past and they all know my husband. I sometimes feel a little twinge of fear, wondering what would happen if one of them decided to fill him in but otherwise I think we’ve made the right decision not to prey into each other’s past. What difference does it make anyway? What’s past is past.’
Sharing stories of our past lovers turns us on
Nicole, 36, is in a same sex marriage
‘This all started when I asked my wife about her past sexual experiences. The reason to dig into that topic was to bring some spice into our sex life which had become monotonous. (We used to role-play but that didn’t make much difference.)
I was a bit nervous it would affect our relationship adversely or that I might get jealous but, after a lot of convincing, she obliged and started talking about her past. Rather than make me jealous, it turned me on and she liked the effect it was having on me. In return, she wanted to know about my experiences and so we shared our past encounters.
It’s revolutionised our sex life and opened up a new dimension. Dirty talk mixed with nostalgia takes you to a different place if you’re in a loving relationship. Far from being intimidated by the lovers before us, it’s made sex better.’
Check out Tracey’s exciting new sex products at lovehoney. You’ll find lots of advice, her podcast SexTok and books at traceycox.com.
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