Want to stay married? Then never even joke about DIVORCE: Gogglebox’s Steph and Dom reveal their golden rules for staying together after weathering many storms including financial turmoil, caring for a disabled son and even a brush with death
- Steph and Dom, Inspire’s former agony columnists, are celebrating 25 years
- READ MORE: Gogglebox Stars past and present reveal ordinary people delivering riotously rude verdicts on the week’s telly became an unlikely hit
They found fame on Gogglebox ten years ago when their hilarious, often booze-fuelled commentary, made them a favourite with television viewers on the Channel 4 show.
Now Steph and Dom Parker, Inspire’s former agony columnists, are celebrating 25 years of marriage.
Here, they reveal the golden rules that have helped them overcome huge emotional hurdles to reach their silver wedding anniversary… and which they believe could work for you, too.
Steph, 56, says:
It was on September 12, 1998, in a church in a Kent village, that I married my true love, ‘The One’. We were living together within four months of meeting, and I moved countries to be with him. It was a whirlwind of a fairy tale I never regretted (well, maybe once or twice!).
Steph and Dom Parker, Inspire’s former agony columnists, are celebrating 25 years of marriage
Over the quarter of a century that followed, we have endured the most unbearable challenges and pain, but also the most fantastically joyous and hilarious moments.
No matter what life has thrown at us, we’ve overcome it because we are together, and we will always be together. If the Dom I know now was to ask me to marry him, I’d still say ‘yes’ in a heartbeat…
Don’t settle for anything less than ‘The One’
Why do I believe in ‘The One’? – because we’re walking, living proof of it. Before that first date with Dom, I was a very independent woman who never needed to be with a man. I had a career I loved, my own money and I sure as hell wasn’t going to compromise and settle for just anyone, as I’d seen so many people do.
At 30 I had been in a long-term relationship and was engaged, but I called it off. I couldn’t fault the guy – he was lovely – but it just didn’t feel right.
Within a day of meeting Dom, he’d totally rocked my world. It was the most natural response; it begged no questions, no argument, no doubt – just this instant connection.
Within a day of meeting Dom, he’d totally rocked my world. It was the most natural response
We’d met fleetingly in our 20s when he was my landlord, but I was with someone else at the time. But he came back into my life and, instantly, he was it: the path I was meant to follow and the man with whom I was meant to be.
After four months I quit my job in Brussels and moved in with him in Kent. I told Dom that if he hadn’t decided I was The One after a year, and proposed, then I was off. In true Dom fashion, he waited a year and a day before he got down on one knee.
Expect rain in paradise – it’s inevitable
In our case it’s been torrential, with a side order of cyclone. I’d met my Prince Charming, we’d had our fairy-tale wedding, we were comfortably off and for two years everything was magical. Then… boom, Max our son arrived and life was never the same again.
Max, 22, is seriously disabled. [They also have a daughter, 19-year-old Honor.] He is autistic and severely epileptic with the mental capacity of a six-year-old.
But his condition took all the focus off us – it stopped us getting too obsessed with our own relationship and each other; we had much bigger things to worry about.
Max, 22, is seriously disabled. He is autistic and severely epileptic with the mental capacity of a six-year-old. Pictured from the left: Steph, Max, their daughter Honor and Dom
Only 23 per cent of marriages survive bringing up a chronically disabled child, and I’m so proud we’re one of them.
But we’d never have got through if we weren’t as rock solid as we are. Through each storm we’ve clung to one other, never let go and refused to let it blow us apart.
Choose compromise over pride
Learning the art of compromise will save you a lot of grief in a marriage. I’ve had to learn to meet Dom halfway, even when, as a proud and stubborn person, I really haven’t wanted to.
We have to fight for so much in this life – our job, our finances, our kids, our health – that you don’t want to waste precious time bickering.
If you find yourselves having a trifling row where you are going back and forwards, tackle it once and for all, say sorry and move past it.
I believe that men can lack emotional intuition sometimes. They seem to bumble through life without noticing things.
Women tend to process things more deeply, while men can be much more basic in their thinking. It took me years to realise this and learn to back down and say sorry for a more peaceful life.
I was a massive sulker, too. It used to take me four days to come round; now it’s only four hours. Progress!
At the end of the day, we chose each other, and learning to be gentle and kind to one other is a big part of marriage.
Don’t row in public
Surviving 25 years of marriage is also down to a deep-rooted respect for myself, as well as Himself.
There are times when I think he’s the biggest goof in the world, but that’s between us, and I would never put him down in public.
Dom is a gentleman. He holds open the car door for me and he stands up when I leave the table, even when it’s just the two of us at home. His respect for me is absolute and lovely. I would never ridicule him in front of friends with a cheap shot.
There are times when I think he’s the biggest goof in the world, but that’s between us, and I would never put him down in public, says Steph
I can’t bear it when I see women put their men down in public, even in a jokey way. I think it’s unnecessary and cruel.
We don’t argue in public either, it’s a social no-no, as it makes the other people uncomfortable. Dom would never deliberately hurt me in public either. When we’re out we present a united front against the world.
Never mention the ‘D’ word
We have a rule in our marriage that we never throw the word ‘divorce’ into an argument or make light of it. I think once you mention it, even in jest, it’s out there and on the table as a possibility.
Marriage is hard work and it’s much easier to quit and throw in the towel then to keep taking the hits, but it lessens you as a human being if you give in.
I’m proud of the fact we’re still fighting together. We took our vows before our friends and God, and I have too much respect for them to throw the D word around, however infuriating Dom can be.
Say ‘I love you’ every day
I tell Dom I love him every day. It will never not be wonderful to have someone tell you that. But even more importantly, I try to remember to thank him for every act of kindness or selflessness.
Over the past five years I’ve been quite infirm with one injury after another (including double pneumonia that nearly killed me and a heart infection) and Dom had to care for me. I was mindful of saying ‘thank you so much’ when he made me a sandwich or brought my phone to me.
Women can be a little quick to notice when their chap doesn’t do something – ‘when was the last time you…’ etc – but we must appreciate the times that they do do things for you.
Mind you, he’ll be getting his revenge soon when I’ll have to wait on him for six weeks after his upcoming back surgery. He’ll be a nightmare. He’s already suggested I get him a bell. Not a chance!
Dom, 58 says:
Since the day I met her, Steph has felt like my other half. We know each other inside out.
Her overpacking for every trip drives me to distraction, and if I stress too much about her constant lateness I’ll have a heart attack. But I love her
Of course, that’s not to say we don’t drive each other potty. ‘I can’t hear you!’ is one of the most-used phrases in our home.
Steph is convinced I am deaf or have selective hearing when I fail to pick up what she’s saying as she tries to speak to me from a different room on a different floor.
Her overpacking for every trip drives me to distraction, and if I stress too much about her constant lateness I’ll have a heart attack. But I love her, even though the word ‘love’ somehow feels inadequate.
What we have transcends love and, whatever it is, needs protecting, feeding and nurturing and hard work. But that’s OK, because it’s work I’m happy to put in till the day I die.
Believe in fate
It was 35 years ago that a young, strong, beautiful woman came into my life and left an instant impact on me. I was a landlord and she came to look at the flat I was renting. I was enchanted – she couldn’t have cared less.
Then, years later, a friend started to talk about a girl he knew that I must meet and who would be perfect for me. I wasn’t convinced but I agreed to go on the only blind date I’ve ever had.
Halfway through our evening the penny dropped and we both said: ‘Oh my God, it’s you!’ It was my thunderbolt moment, I knew immediately this was it.
You hear people say ‘there’s someone for everyone’, and, like many, I used to think ‘yes, but given the world’s population, what’s the chance of ever meeting them?’ I absolutely believe that, for Steph and me, it was written in the stars, especially as she wasn’t even living in the UK by the time we had our date.
When we met ten years earlier, the timing was wrong for us, but fate stepped in to give us a second chance.
Ignore other people’s marriages
Marriage had been a disaster for my parents. I was only six years old when my father walked out. My mother had poor health so I had to assume responsibility from a very young age, doing all the shopping, cleaning and cooking.
Consequently, I grew up believing firmly that marriage was a crock of s*** and not something we were meant to do. I was completely wrong. In fact, a big part of my speech at our wedding was me apologising to my friends for being so rude about marriage.
Other people’s experiences are theirs alone. Quite simply, my parents hadn’t found the right partner. I did.
Learn to embrace life’s surprises
As something of a control freak, I’m not the sort who likes surprises, yet Steph has a habit of springing them on me. Every time she announces she’s planned something, my immediate reaction is: ‘Oh God, what now?’
Learning to relax and relinquish control and leave your comfort zone can lead to the sort of exciting adventures you’d never experience if left to your own devices
Like the time I came home to find a taxi driver sitting in our kitchen drinking tea surrounded by our packed suitcases. Steph had arranged a ten-day trip to Vegas. Flights booked, hotel room reserved, taxis arranged — without a word to me. I thought, ‘I’m going to hate this’, but we had the time of our lives.
Learning to relax and relinquish control and leave your comfort zone can lead to the sort of exciting adventures you’d never experience if left to your own devices.
Laughter is essential
Steph and I laugh like drains most days, and the worse the situation the more important it is to find humour in it.
At the beginning of this year, we decided to celebrate our 25 years together by going on a trip around the world, just the two of us.
In typical Parker style it went horribly wrong when I badly hurt my back in Mauritius and we had to be repatriated.
I was in agony but we still found time for lots of bladder jokes about me wetting myself! We’ve been through a lot together, especially with our son, Max, and Steph’s poor health, but we always find time to tell funny stories and make inappropriate jokes.
Laughing is a powerful, emotional release, right up there with crying. We got the keys to our hotel, The Salutation, back after our tenants went bankrupt then we went straight into lockdown. Brilliant! Having all the maintenance costs without any guests meant we took a huge financial hit and then it took another two years to sell. But we joked that at least we didn’t have to worry about the dusting! Without the laughter we wouldn’t have made it.
Never stop holding hands
When we were on Gogglebox people used to remark on how we were often holding hands when we watched TV. It wasn’t contrived, it happened quite naturally.
It’s something we did from day one and have never stopped. It’s the simplest gesture, yet there is something very pure, grounding and comforting about it. We’re one unit, co-joined and we reach for each other’s hand instinctively.
When I was stranded at our hotel in Mauritius for ten weeks, I noticed the couples who held hands seemed to be happier.
If you already do this, never stop, and if you’re not hand-holders then it’s never too late to start.
When we were on Gogglebox people used to remark on how we were often holding hands when we watched TV. It wasn’t contrived, it happened quite naturally
There’s no such thing as too much time together
There are many days when Steph and I are together 24/7. We work and live together, yet some people are horrified by the idea. Why? I married her, I should want to be with her all the time.
Sometimes, you’ll hear couples talk about how they’re dreading spending a week together on holiday or at Christmas. If that’s the case then I’d say you have a problem. It’s probably why so many relationships faltered during lockdown.
We can escape each other if we wish, but my private time includes, not excludes, my wife.
When we’re apart, I like to know where she is and use the Find My Friends app to check on her. She does the same to me. It’s not stalking; we’ve nothing to hide. My life would fall apart without her and I like to know she’s safe.
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