While we all hope to find love and be with someone for our whole life, some of us unfortunately lose our partners, husbands and wives and become widows and widowers.
It's a painful experience that is often worsened by the insensitive things said by other people when someone is in the midst of grief.
Here, widow Nicky Wake, founder of widow dating apps Chapter 2 and Widow's Fire reveals some of the worst phrases other widows and widowers have heard since losing their partner, taken from a recent survey she conducted…
“I know how you feel… my dog died last week”
“At least your house is mortgage-free”
“You’ll soon be back in the groove chasing other women”
“I’m jealous you get to start dating again"
“You’re still young enough to meet someone else”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll marry again”
“You’re actually lucky, because some people go through life never even having been married”
Nicky says: “Some of these remarks may seem pretty astounding – but, in fact, it’s something that many of us widows and widowers have experienced many times over.
"Most of the time, it’s not malicious; it’s simply ignorance or insensitivity. Sadly, widows and widowers are all in a club we never really wanted to join, and grief is very different for each of us.
"What may seem like empathy to you, probably won’t seem that way to somebody who has just lost their partner of 30 years.”
Nicky also has some tips for how to speak to a friend or family member whose partner has recently died…
Nicky says: “Sometimes the shortest messages can mean the most to people. A simple 'I'm thinking of you' could be exactly what they want to hear.
"If you know the person who has died, you could also say something personal about them, what they meant to you or share a recent memory.”
“Ask them how they are feeling, and ask if they would like to talk about it – but don’t force them to open up if they’re not ready. Let them know you’re there for them and ask if there is anything that they need."
Senior Therapist and Relationship Expert, and founder of Working on the Body, Sally Baker, says: "Do listen without judgement. Grieving people need to talk about their loss, so make time to listen attentively.
"Don’t try to offer solutions or silver linings. The bereaved need your compassionate ear more than your advice."
“Do offer tangible help. Caring for home and family can feel overwhelming in grief. Offer to help with chores, meals, and childcare.
"But don’t just say “Let me know if you need anything.” It’s crucial to make specific offers of help so they don’t have to reach out because often they will not ask," Sally says.
Sally says: "Do share fond memories. Talking about their lost loved one can be comforting. Share your favourite stories and memories of their partner. It’s okay to laugh and cry together as you reminisce.
“Don’t avoid talking about their loss. Some friends distance themselves to avoid “reminding” the bereaved of their pain. But grieving people need to process their grief. Keep reaching out and talking about their partner. You may be rebuffed at first so persevere.
“Don’t minimise their grief. Comments like “it was their time” or “they’re in a better place” can invalidate painful emotions. Simply acknowledge the depth of their loss."
“Ideally, mark important dates. Remember their partner’s birthday, death anniversary, etc with a card, text, or visit. These dates are excruciating for the bereaved. Knowing you remember means a lot and helps to make them feel less isolated in their sadness.
“Don’t expect closure. Don’t be impatient. Grief has no timeline. Expressions like “it’s been 6 months, it’s time to move on” imply grieving has an endpoint. But their loss will always be part of them. Offer ongoing support," Sally says.
Sally says: “Do invite them out. Grieving people often isolate themselves. Gently encourage them to go out when they’re ready. Start small – a walk or coffee. Low-key invitations can help, even if they decline at first.
“Don’t take it personally if they withdraw. Grief can be all-consuming. If they seem distant, don’t take it personally. Give them space knowing the isolation is temporary.
“Keep gently reaching out. Losing a life partner leaves a huge void. Being present, listening, and offering heartfelt support can make a big difference as a grieving friend navigates their loss. With time and compassion, the pain will ease, and you’ll be part of helping them build their life again.”
Check out Chapter 2 here / Check out Widow's Fire here / Check out Sally Baker's website here
Source: Read Full Article
