My wife wants another stab at an open marriage. I’m anxious as the last attempt ended in disaster.
I was left feeling excluded and alone while she had the time of her life with an army of other lovers. This time she insists everything will be different as “lessons have been learnt”.
She says she knows where we went wrong before (no rules, no boundaries, and a bad choices of other lovers) and is convinced we can make this attempt work. She complains we’ve become stale and complacent.
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I’m nervous and don’t know if I agree. She’s met a couple who she feels are “our kind of people”. She thinks we should swap partners with them just to get the ball rolling.
But my ball is very happy where it is, thank you very much. I only want my wife in my bed and no one else. I’m not interested in dating or sleeping with anyone else – and I don’t want her playing the field either.
We’ve been married for seven years, and I had no idea something like this would ever crop up. She knows how upset I was left feeling after our last journey into the murky world of free love so why is she doing this all over again?
She claims my problem is that I have a closed mind and I’m too old-fashioned. As far as I’m concerned, the only problem here is her continued desire to throw our bedroom doors open to anyone she fancies – regardless of my views.
JANE SAYS: Your wife is not giving up on the idea of an open marriage without a fight. She’s pushing for a second try with new rules and boundaries but I can’t help feel she’s still not taking your feelings into consideration.
Why is she so wedded to this concept? Why isn’t she prepared to put more time and effort into your relationship in an effort to revitalise and fix it?
Start talking to her about what she’s thinking and how she’s feeling and don’t stop until you know exactly where she’s coming from.
How come she’s already started sussing out potential lovers? What you can’t do is allow yourself to be swept along with her new plan, only to be humiliated all over again. Stick to your principles and don’t allow her to embarrass you into doing anything you’re uncomfortable with.
Would you both benefit from speaking to a third p arty – maybe a relationship counsellor – about the issues you’re having? Alternatively, do you need to give each other space with one of you moving out for a while? Don’t give up until you’ve exhausted all of the possibilities.
But, equally, don’t hang around if you finally conclude that she is not the person you need or want her to be.
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