Despite living in an age of sex-positivity, getting an STI diagnosis can still feel like a social and romantic death sentence.
That’s why, when Suzanna Elzbieta, 38, found herself single just months after being diagnosed with herpes at 34, she was worried that her dating life would be thrown into disarray.
Thankfully, she said, ‘that couldn’t be further from the truth’.
‘At first I was devastated, but now I’ve learned it’s a little skin issue,’ Suzanna, a sensual guide and herpes advocate, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, said.
‘I often tell people my last few years with herpes and of singledom have been my hot girl summer days.’
Suzanna realised she had herpes after she noticed what she thought was a razor bump or the beginnings of a urinary tract infection (UTI).
After a trip to the doctors and then a women’s clinic, it was confirmed that she had herpes and she was prescribed antiviral medication to help manage the symptoms.
‘I suspect I hadn’t had it before because there’s a lot of things which show up in your first infection that can be more severe,’ she said.
‘It took one to two weeks to clear up and then I had another flare up right away.
‘After that I was getting a mild flare up every two to three months.
‘It can be different for everyone – for me it is one little bump down below – it’s not much worse than having a pimple or an ingrown hair.
‘If I’m not taking antiviral medication, I will get some tingling and nerve pain.’
For Suzanna, the worst part has been the stigma.
‘People with herpes have to deal with [the stigma],’ she said.
‘The majority of people with herpes never get symptoms and are asymptomatic.
‘Most places won’t screen you unless you are showing symptoms.
‘People attribute it to sleeping around or being dirty, but your body count doesn’t matter at all.
‘Sometimes it can be caught non-sexually – it’s just skin-to-skin contact.
‘You can contract a virus at any point when you’re sexually active. Why is a sexual virus any different to a normal one?’
Despite the stigma, Suzanna’s dating life has been largely unaffected.
‘It hasn’t affected my dating life – 99% of people have no issue,’ she said.
‘I’ve come across people who have it too – you just need to be in a good place with your own status.’
She always has protected sex to avoid pregnancy and contracting other STIs and avoids sexual activity during flare ups – when there is a higher risk of transmission.
Suzanna is 100% open with her sexual partners about her diagnosis.
‘I usually tell the person who I’m dating I have herpes, it’s really common and it’s very easy to work around,’ she said.
‘It’s the same as having a cold-sore, you wouldn’t kiss someone with a visible cold sore but you wouldn’t when they didn’t.
‘I try to make it a two-way conversation as I would want to know their STI status too.’
Sometimes Suzanna discloses her status right away through dating apps, other times she waits until after a few dates or in the first instance of meeting someone.
While Suzanna thought contracting herpes was going to change her life for the worse, she realised that it was actually for the better – and she wants to help ease the shame of other sufferers.
‘It doesn’t change or affect your life – it’s all a matter of your own perspective, you can make your life miserable with it,’ she said.
‘Who I was when I was diagnosed and who I am now – it’s like night and day.
‘I’ve garnered self-love – even my own education about sexual health has helped so much.
‘I feel unstoppable compared to where I was.’
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