We're child behavioural experts – the 5 main types of meltdown – how to recognise each & how to deal with them | The Sun

AS a parent, you've probably dealt with your fair share of meltdowns that often appear to come out of nowhere.

And while screaming, crying and stomping might appear in almost all of them, there are actually different causes for children's tantrums and most are pretty valid.

Baby and parenting expert, Rachel FitzD tells Fabulous: "Just like you and me, when children of whatever age feel emotionally overwhelmed, they can respond by having a meltdown.

"This is a normal, human response, and the only difference between them and us is that we have gained enough experience and maturity to have learned avoidance and coping strategies."

Meltdowns start in early toddlerhood – from around the first birthday, Rachel explains.

This is when the tot starts to develop a more in-depth and complex emotional life.

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"As they get older, with compassionate support and guidance from loving parents, children continue to have meltdowns but are more able to handle them appropriately," she says.

But how do you recognise the cause of your child's tantrum and just how many are there? Fabulous has the answers.

Types of meltdown and how to recognise them

While there are plenty of reasons for your child to have a meltdown, there are five main types.

Most read in Fabulous

Manipulative

Dubbed the 'Go Big or Go Home' tantrum by parenting and behavioural consultant Sophie Boucher-Giles, who founded the Gentle Start Family Consultancy, this one is "designed to wear an adult down until you give in to the demand just to make the noise stop."

And it can be highly effective, she adds.

"Consistent responses are key here as you only have to give in once for your child to try ten more times, with twice the resolve and staying power, to achieve success," she says.

How to deal

As frustrating as it might be, you need to wait this tantrum out and let it run its course. Only then will your child realise it’s not getting them anywhere.

Sophie says: "Try and evaluate what it is the child would like and stay very calm and as relaxed as you can.

"Our child is looking for a strong reaction to judge whether or not they are likely to be ‘win’."

So wait for a calm moment and use a short and neutral-sounding phrase, such as "When you are ready, let me know," Sophie explains.

Then, when your child calms down, give a brief comforting hug if they would like it.

But you should aim to keep this short and sharp, Sophie warns, as it may lead to a "resurgence in tantrumming" if they feel you may be about to cave.

Attention seeking

Sophie says: "Young children often don’t understand that grown-ups have to work (or eat or sleep!) and this can be particularly difficult if you are working from home as the lines are blurred beyond the understanding of most toddlers or young kids."

Put simply, they are craving your attention, and they could just be bored, so it's important to be aware if this is the case.

How to deal

"Try to take a step back and look at how much time you have been spending with your little one," Sophie says.

"Spare fifteen or twenty minutes to do something unexpected – go to a playground on the way home or set up finger painting in the bath – anything that places you truly in the moment with them."

But if you only have five minutes aim for an activity that allows for closeness, like doing a jigsaw puzzle while laying together. This way they really feel they have your attention.

If the attention-seeking tantrums are constant, and there is no underlying cause, then it’s time to work on delayed gratification and independent play.

Language needs to be simple and to the point, but non-combative with steps broken down and easy to understand.

Refusal

This kind of tantrum often happens because something is required of the child that they don’t want to do, and it usually comes after you've told them no.

But before getting frustrated with them, you first need to look at yourself.

How to deal

Sophie explains: "Firstly, examine what you've asked of your child. Was it age-appropriate and something they understand and can actually do, and if so how did you ask?

"Language needs to be simple and to the point, but non-combative with steps broken down and easy to understand."

Secondly, look at when you are asking them.

Are they having trouble transitioning from something else because there hasn’t been a warning and you haven’t managed their expectations?

Sophie explains: "Most adults would react negatively if their partner turned off their box set, took away their drink with no warning, and asked them to do the washing up immediately.

"So, give a tangible cue rather than a time-based one and explain the Now Then and After."

If a tantrum still ensues, wait it out then move smoothly on with what you have to do.

Sensory Overload/Expressive

All children (and adults) can experience sensory overload at times, and for your toddler or young child this may be particularly noticeable when they're tired or in a very busy or different environment.

Sophie says: "They may not yet have the language and insight to express themselves with words, and even if they did, it may be too hard to process both language and heightened emotions at the same time.

"Because of this, a meltdown helps to get that squiggly, pent-up feeling out."

For children with a sensory processing disorder, this is far more acute and things like noises, lights and even smells can be extremely upsetting for them.

How to deal

Some kids may need to be left alone to self-regulate in a calmspace where they are safe and comfortable,but others will have difficulty calming themselves and they can get very physical or loud.

"For some children, deep pressure hugs and calming music can help, but others may be tactile averse at these times," says Sophie.

"If your child does have a sensory processing issue, a paediatric occupational therapist may be able to help you understand what will work best for your child.

"It is important to understand that this kind of tantrum is not your child being ‘naughty’, they need your help not a telling off."

Just like you and me, when children of whatever age feel emotionally overwhelmed, they can respond by having a meltdown.

External

These are the easiest tantrums to recognise and usually refer to being hungry,tired or frustrated.

"Small children need to refuel about once every three hours, so having three reasonably sized balanced meals, and two nutritious snacks will help regulate blood sugar and prevent hunger meltdowns," explains Sophie.

Rachel, who is a regular speaker at The Baby Show,agrees and adds: "Without a pretty constant flow of healthy carbs, fats and fruit sugars (yup, that’s why all tots love those energy giving grapes), ‘hanger’ sets in, the brain can’t think straight and the slightest thing will push them over the edge."

Hydration is also important for mood regulation and for your child to be able to think and process well.

So make sure they aren’t thirsty and that you're providing plenty of opportunities to drink.

As for being tired, trying to keep to a regular bedtime and introduce naps where appropriate, Sophie advises.

Finally, frustration is another reason your little one might be throwing tantrums.

"Toddlers and older kids crave independence (the opportunity to do things for themselves) and autonomy (the chance to make choices and take decisions for themselves)," Rachel says.

"Tots can just about manage a little hunger or tiredness but shove frustration into the mix and your child will simply be pushed into overwhelm.

"Just like us – we might still just about cope at work if we skip lunch or if we have had a bad night but if we then hit a frustrating challenge, panic can set in and we lose our ability to deal with it calmly. "

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