DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE not had sex with my husband since our house burned to the ground four years ago.
It was a catastrophic experience for me, my husband and our very young children.
The whole family was devastated.
The fire was caused by a fault in our fridge freezer.
It happened during the night, fortunately we were away for the weekend but by the time our neighbours contacted us, there was nothing left.
The shock of losing everything and starting again was immeasurable and it put a huge strain on our marriage.
I tried to have sex with my husband about three weeks after. I wanted us to connect again and not be so hung up on what we’d lost but my husband couldn’t perform.
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I thought it was a blip but whenever I propose sex, he ducks and dives.
He’s 43, I’m 41, and we have a nine and seven-year-old.
If me and my husband could get some intimacy back, we might stand a chance but I worry everything is slipping through our fingers.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so very sorry you and your family have had to go through something so devastating.
Post-traumatic stress can bring on erectile dysfunction and it could still be affecting him.
He’s in a spiral of worrying he won’t be able to perform which causes erection problems in itself.
It’s classic performance anxiety.
Explain you want to enjoy some intimacy again and if it’s OK you’re going to take the lead, with no pressure on him.
My support pack called Sex Play Therapy explains just how to do this, using sex therapy exercises which you can do together to reignite those feelings of arousal, building up to intercourse again slowly.
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