CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: Why do I have such low self-esteem?

Question

I am a 78-year-old woman and have had a reasonably happy life, but I still have a lack of confidence which upsets me. Like a previous writer to your column, I am always afraid of offending people, even really close friends, and often wake up in the night wondering if I have said anything out of place. This can go on for days and even involve me contacting the person concerned to see if everything is all right – which it always is, of course. I believe this is connected to when I was very young. From the age of five to about seven

I had asthma. My father was also mentally ill at the time, so my mother had a lot to cope with. She thought that asthma could only be avoided by never catching a cold, so would send me to school in long-johns when all the others wore normal pants. Consequently, I was teased, so hated going to school.

I felt very isolated. I know that I have low self-esteem. Do you think that this childhood experience is the cause?

I am a 78-year-old woman and have had a reasonably happy life, but I still have a lack of confidence which upsets me (stock image)

Answer

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Yes, I think you are right, this sometimes debilitating low self-esteem is partly rooted in your childhood distress. Asthma can be serious, so your mother was understandably worried. But it led her to be over-protective and her fear for your physical safety created a blindspot over your psychological welfare. The teasing by other children must indeed have left you isolated and feeling it was unsafe to speak up. Sadly, this sense of not belonging has persisted throughout your life. You have never felt good enough. And your father’s mental illness will also have had an impact on you. Such a condition can feel as though that parent is absent.

You don’t say what he was suffering from but perhaps he was depressed or angry, even suicidal, all of which can be very destabilising for a child. Despite your tender age, you will have been aware that something was wrong. Your mother may have said things like: ‘We need to be quiet, we mustn’t upset Daddy’ or ‘Don’t worry darling, he didn’t mean to be cross with you’.

So you learned to tread carefully, fearing that if you said or did the wrong thing it could have serious consequences. You have internalised this into feeling that whatever you say might be wrong. So I strongly recommend psychodynamic counselling (how the past impacts the present) to help you work through this early childhood difficulty and to be yourself. Some people in their 70s feel too old for counselling because they have ‘muddled through’ but our friendships are incredibly important in our later years and it would be nice if you had the freedom to enjoy them without all this worry. Mind.org.uk has good advice on how to find a counsellor.

Question

My son, who is in his late 30s, has never been easy. He is on the autistic spectrum, is very argumentative and holds strong views. I used to worry that he would never get a girlfriend. However, he’s in a relationship with a much older woman (only five years younger than me!) who I can’t stand. Because of the 20-year age gap, she is very much ‘in charge’. I get the sense that she resents my presence. She complains about my son’s lack of help round the house and demeans his job as a gardener (which he loves). I know that if I say anything negative about her to him he will be furious, but I worry that he can’t be happy.

Answer

It is very sad when an adult child chooses a partner who you would not have wished for them. Unfortunately, your son probably would be angry if you were critical of her – it sounds as though he has rather black-and-white thinking and may see it as disloyal. As she is close to your age, I expect it feels awkward between you and maybe this is why she keeps you at arm’s length. I understand your concerns about her controlling nature. However, because your son is not easy himself, the reality could be that he’d struggle to find the kind of gentle partner who you would like for him. What is important is that you don’t let your unease spoil your relationship with him. Disarm her by setting aside your feelings and lay on the charm, forcing her to be polite back. Perhaps visit your son at work so you can see him alone during his coffee break. Don’t criticise her but ask him in a general way if he is (broadly) happy. Hopefully if he learns to confide in you he will start to tell you more if he is not.

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