InLalalaletmeexplain'shit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping wmankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I’m a single parent of two children aged eleven and five. I’ve been on my own since my eldest was born, but both children share the same father.
I’ve recently started using Bumble as I feel like I’m in a good place and I should start putting myself out there, but to be honest, I'm terrified about how to go about online dating when I have kids. Apart from my own family I'm a solo parent as their dad moved to Cornwall.
I’ve seen your posts about not putting mentioning on apps that you're a single parent, so I haven’t done that, but I’ve started talking to a couple of people and I feel like I need to prepare myself for how to bring it up before we get to the meeting up stage.
When is the best time to do this? I feel like a bit of a con now – although I understand the reasons for not mentioning my kids, it feels strange not to mention them when they're such a huge part of my life and pretty much everything I do is with them or about them. Any advice would be really helpful.
Lala says…
My advice is not to completely hide the fact that you have kids, it’s to not advertise it on your profile. I would drop it in really early in the conversation though. For example, if they ask what you’ve been up to today or this weekend, or they ask how you are, you can reply with something relating to the kids. I did used to find that this would cause some of them to disappear, but I wasn’t offended because it’s okay for people to not want to date parents.
It's also okay for parents to want to date. For many it’s an important way to escape from being mum for a bit. For 24 hours you can be you again. Intimacy and emotional connection can be a great aid to that. I would recommend reading my book my book Block, Delete, Move On to make sure you’re aware of all the potential red flags you may come across, because dating is hard work in 2022.
There are some sinister people with bad intentions who target single mothers online. Not making it obvious that you have kids on your profile is just a tiny added layer of protection in avoiding them. But it’s not fool proof – you still need to proceed with caution. You have to find that balance between being aware that these people exist, but not allowing this to make you feel completely paranoid to date, because there are good men to be found online too (though it feels like a bit of a needle in a haystack situation at times.)
Dating as a single mother with majority care of your child/children is a minefield and anyone who navigates it successfully deserves an award.
When I first split up with my son’s dad I moved back to my mum’s home. I still lived there when I first started dating and it made it much easier. I had a live-in babysitter, and my son was in bed by 6.30pm at that stage, so I had a bit of time for freedom. I managed to get into romances that lasted (granted, one of them was cheating on his baby mum with me – which I was not aware of – and the other one was the world’s biggest 'wasteman', but still). Now that I only get every other Saturday night off it is virtually impossible to date. I can’t seem to keep any momentum with anyone because I’m rarely available. So, I do think it’s important to think about the logistics before you get into it.
It sounds like you’ve got good family support. Will they be able to have the kids if you want to go on dates? Is your working day set up in a way that would enable you to meet people for coffee dates when the kids are at school?
Dating as a single parent is restrictive, and as a result, it can cause people to sometimes make choices that aren’t the best for their children. I cannot even count the number of referrals I dealt with as a social worker that involved abuse from a ‘step-parent’ who had moved into the family home within days or weeks of meeting the mother online. You cannot do the whirlwind romance thing in your children’s home. It is unsafe.
It can be tempting to invite someone over whilst the children are asleep, but I would consider that to be putting your children at risk if it’s not someone who you properly know. And to properly know someone I think you have to have been to their house, spent significant time with them face to face, and met their friends. You can’t just chat to someone on an app for 3 months and claim to trust them.
Personally, I would recommend keeping dating and parenting completely separate whilst you’re getting to know someone. Even though our lives are dominated by our kids, it’s nice to have the chance to be an independent adult again, and to exist for a few hours as someone with no responsibilities who doesn’t need to cook, clean, or get a child to football training.
Dating as a single parent isn’t all doom and gloom and there is lots of fun to be had and love to be felt, but it does require an added level of caution. Take things slowly, walk, don’t run. Get to know me first and then we can think about you getting to know me in my capacity as a mum.
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