Sandra Bullock’s devotion to partner Bryan Randall as he battled motor neurone disease is a timely reminder you really don’t know what people are coping with behind closed doors, writes The Mind Doctor MAX PEMBERTON

• Sandra’s devotion is a timely reminder not to jump to nasty conclusions
• READ MORE: Sandra Bullock seen for the first time since the death of her partner

Sandra shows you never know

When Sandra Bullock stopped being seen out with her partner, Bryan Randall, the Hollywood gossip-mill became convinced they had secretly split. 

The truth was quite different — he had motor neurone disease and was becoming increasingly disabled. 

The truth only became apparent when he died earlier this month and it shows that far from being on the rocks, their relationship was devoted and loving. It made me think how little we really know about what goes on in people’s lives and how ready we are to jump to conclusions. 

I’ve seen this many times with patients, whose friends and families have assumed one thing, only for something quite different to be the reality.

It can be very hurtful. Sandra’s devotion is a timely reminder not to jump to nasty conclusions — you never really know what people are coping with behind closed doors.

Sandra Bullock’s partner Bryan Randall had motor neurone disease and died on August 5 

Sandra’s devotion is a timely reminder not to jump to nasty conclusions — you never really know what people are coping with behind closed doors

Yes, they’ve had it tough, but teens need to be resilient

August is supposed to be a time of relaxation and fun. It’s about sitting on the beach licking a 99, reading a trashy novel, catching up with friends. 

But it’s also always been a time of anxiety for some youngsters and their families waiting for their exam results and then dealing with the fall out when they arrive. It was A-levels last week and GCSE results are out on Thursday.

Some will, of course, have cause to celebrate, but for those who don’t get the results they were hoping for, it can be a fraught and upsetting time.

This year, thanks to Covid, there will be more teenagers than usual nursing bruised egos and shattered dreams. I’m furious at the way youngsters were let down by our response to Covid.

This year, thanks to Covid, there will be more teenagers than usual nursing bruised egos and shattered dreams (stock image)

Many of us felt lockdowns were the wrong decision, but we were ignored at the time. Teaching unions were shameless in their insistance that schools remain closed despite it becoming clear that the risks were tiny.

We panicked and sacrificed an entire generation.

But we are where we are and while it’s right to be angry at the way youngsters were let down, there’s also an important lesson to be learned here — that we are also letting down the younger generation by failing to encourage them to develop resilience.

It’s this that will prepare them for the inevitable disappointments in life. Developing resilience is far better than covering someone in bubble wrap, because it is about building an inner strength and confidence on which they can rely, rather than counting on an external shield to protect them.

Yet it seems younger people today rely more on being protected from life’s ups and downs, and seem to lack grit and fortitude. But indulging this in the long term does them no favours, because people can’t be protected entirely from life. We have to learn how to deal with difficulties.

You can’t protect someone from everything life might throw at them — Covid lockdowns being a perfect example — but you can give them the skills they need to cope with it. It’s like giving someone a kit-bag of tools to deal with life’s vicissitudes.

Resilience isn’t just about coping with adversity. The same characteristics that help with resilience also let people get the most out of their life — it gives them a confidence and assuredness to push themselves.

I’d encourage everyone to go on a resilience-building course. There are also some great books on the topic too, such as Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Developing Resilience by Michael Neenan. But there are also some simple things we can all do to help children and teenagers build resilience.

I’d encourage everyone to go on a resilience-building course. There are also some great books on the topic too

• Let them fail. Too often we try to protect youngsters from making mistakes. We do things for them or offer advice when it isn’t asked for. While failing is disappointing, it’s a valuable lesson. People can learn from mistakes and when they succeed, they know they’ve done it on their own.

• Build their competencies. Help them to focus on key skills they need, like speaking in front of others, or making themselves a meal, or doing their washing. Helping them become more independent also shows them that they are in control.

• Focus on their talents. Building confidence isn’t about blindly praising them. Rather than boosting confidence, we now know this can have the opposite effect — it can make them feel under pressure to please everyone. Instead, identify the things they are good at and encourage them to develop in these areas.

• Goal setting. Encourage them to set themselves a goal — be it to read a selection of books, learn a skill, get a grade in an instrument — whatever it might be, it must require dedication and focus.

Encourage them to throw themselves in to it. It may take a few attempts and there will be setbacks but, when they achieve this, it will act as a blueprint for future goals as they have shown themselves that they can do something when they put their mind to it.

• Encourage them to get a job, preferably public-facing. They’ll learn lots of key life skills like time-keeping, managing other people, conflict resolution, coping with boredom.

Allow them to use at least some of their earnings to reward themselves. From the youngsters I’ve seen in clinics, you can almost always tell the ones who have had some type of part-time work, as they have a maturity that sets them apart.

• Help them find purpose. Explore their values and things they think are important, and help them translate these into some activity that has meaning to them and gives them a sense of purpose. Encourage them to engage in activities that connect them to society at large. Help them draw strength and inspiration from your family values.

• Talk to them. Make sure you maintain open communication. Aim for non-judgmental and warm connections.

Help them to identify and name their emotions and validate these feelings. Emphasise that they are in control of how they feel and help them find strategies for managing their feelings.

If you don’t have the answer, reassure them you’ll find the answer together. Recall when they had difficulties in the past and how they coped, and remind them things did get better again.

Calls to stop sugary cereals and yoghurts having cartoon characters on their packets have been rejected by ministers. Good for them. We do have a problem with obesity in children, but it’s not the responsibility of the state to make these things less appealing — it’s the responsibility of parents to say no. 

What’s the point of making nitrous oxide a Class C drug? Ministers are proposing to recategorise the gas — also known as laughing gas — under new legislation. It would make it illegal to possess, supply, import, export or produce it for anything other than a legitimate purpose. 

Anyone caught in possession would face up to two years in jail or an unlimited fine. There’s no doubt that it’s a problem — it was the third most commonly used drug last year. It’s been linked to medical problems as well as antisocial behaviour. 

But why ban it when we have given up enforcing the law around cannabis? It makes no sense. 

We know that cannabis can have a devastating impact on mental health. The ban on nitrous oxide feels more like politicians wanting to be seen to ‘do something’ rather than engage in the debate around drugs and society that we urgently need to have. 

Dr Max prescribes… a BRAIN SUPPLEMENT

Mind Lab Pro V4.0 is a new supplement that claims to enhance brainpower

Mind Lab Pro V4.0 is a new supplement that claims to enhance brainpower. In independent university research it’s been shown to improve information processing tasks compared to placebo. 

It contains nootropics — substances that help improve alertness, clarity, recall, focus and speed of thought. It’s also said to help improve mood.

• Uk.mindlabpro.com

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