Though commonly experienced by men, erectile dysfunction can feel like a challenging topic to discuss.
Bringing it up with a new partner might fill you with dread, but it’s important that you to talk about it – together.
The rates of sexual dysfunction and difficulties are much more common than discussions about them – one study found as many as 35% of under 30s suffer with it, an age category not often associated with impotence.
‘It’s often best to try and tackle the conversation before you get to the point of having sex or starting something sexually,’ says Kate Moyle, sex expert for LELO.
‘It can be much harder to stop or find the right time once things have started – and the reality is it will never feel like “the right time”.’
So how do you have the conversation? Firstly, Kate says that you shouldn’t feel like you have to say ‘sorry’.
‘One thing that people often describe feeling when they are talking about sexual challenges is that they need to apologise for themselves or for struggling,’ she says. ‘This just isn’t the case – sex, like every other area of our lives, doesn’t always go perfectly.’
Kate continues: ‘Feeling like you are the problem is only more likely to add to your anxiety, which in turn can increase the likelihood of erectile dysfunction occurring.’
It’s also worth explaining to your partner what steps you can both take, if you’re facing challenges.
‘When bringing up the conversation with a partner or potential partner, you can just explain that sometimes you struggle with sex, or that it doesn’t always go to plan for you, and that if it does happen for them not to worry.
‘Explain that you might just have to change what you are doing, or focus more attention on them, or go back a step to kissing and touching.
‘If you are able to explain to them in a more comfortable and measured way, they are more likely to match your response.
‘There are plenty of things that you can do sensually and sexually which give pleasure and don’t require an erection so it doesn’t mean you need to stop things.’
Still, that doesn’t make the conversation easy – so it’s important you look after yourself mentally within that chat.
‘Avoid being self-critical and shaming yourself for this happening,’ Kate says, ‘it’s so easy for us to get stuck in cycles of performance anxiety and associated sexual functioning difficulties.
‘If there is a focus on a particular part of sex, for example intercourse or penetration, then focus on other ways you can give your partner pleasure.
‘This can help to open up your thinking about the situation – as using your erection as a measure of sexual satisfaction isn’t necessarily the best one.’
For men having sex with women, Kate points out the most commonly reported way of achieving orgasm is via direct clitoral stimulation, which isn’t best achieved through intercourse anyway.
‘Feeling like you have options and strategies for if you are struggling with an erection will make you feel more able to cope with the situation if it occurs,’ she adds.
She also recommends allowing your partner space to ask questions so they can understand the situation better.
Some people might read the situation as ‘they are not attractive enough’, which speaks to their own insecurities.
‘If you don’t get the reaction you hoped for, then accept them where they are at and realise that it’s more about them than it is about you,’ she adds.
‘Many people’s misunderstandings of situations like this come from not being able to communicate about it and from assumptions, so the most you can do is to get away from that by explaining clearly in a way that feels comfortable to you, then there’s nothing more that you can do.’
Erectile dysfunction isn’t a failure – rather, it’s something to work around with your partner.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Source: Read Full Article
