DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 12 years of no contact with my son, after my ex turned him against me, we finally reconnected, four years ago.
I try to make up for lost time, but our relationship is strained, and I often feel I’m being excluded and punished.
I’m 57 and my son is 30. He has two young children.
My marriage to his dad was violent and abusive. Eventually, I had a breakdown and left.
The divorce was messy, and my ex manipulated the law so that he got custody of our boy. Then he told him lies about me.
My son stopped wanting to see me or speak to me.
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It took years to rebuild our relationship, once he’d grown up. I thought things were finally good.
But he blows hot and cold with me, doesn’t invite me to family events, expects me to babysit whenever he wants, and asks to borrow money, then never repays it.
If I say no, he won’t talk to me for weeks. I’m feeling used and upset.
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your son’s feelings for you are confused and conflicted.
It’s likely he can’t forget the things his dad told him, and may even believe you abandoned him.
It’s time to have a heart to heart, reassure him you always loved him and wanted to be involved.
But tread carefully as you don’t want to push him away.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, might help you to tell him how you feel, without making him defensive.
I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to a counsellor. Ask if your GP can refer you.
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