DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE resumed a secret relationship with my cousin, but this time he’s married.
We have always been drawn together and had an intense fling when we were younger.
But because neither of us wanted to go public, we eventually stopped seeing each other.
The decision to split was difficult because we were good together.
The only reason we didn’t continue the relationship was we were worried about how our families would react.
I avoided him for years afterwards and always had to “work overtime” whenever there was a big family gathering.
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I’m 32 now and he’s 34. We first got together ten years ago and I still fancy him just as much as I did before.
He got married five years ago but I avoided his wedding.
Later that year we spent time together because my mum — his mum’s sister — became really ill with cancer.
He was so kind and visited her a couple of times with my aunt.
I was still with my boyfriend but couldn’t help thinking about my cousin after he left.
I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend a year ago and my mum was busy telling everyone how worried she was about me.
At one of my niece’s christenings Mum was fretting as usual about me.
I was so shocked when I heard him say to her: “Truth is, he was never good enough for her.”
Two weeks later he turned up on my doorstep late one night.
He told me his marriage wasn’t working and he missed me.
We couldn’t even wait to get upstairs — we had sex right there in the kitchen.
We have been spending time together whenever he can sneak away.
We want to be together but are worried about our families’ reaction. What can we do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: It is not illegal to marry your cousin.
However, it is frowned upon by many, as the thought of getting together with them is socially unacceptable.
You have been here before and both decided you couldn’t face the family fallout of announcing your relationship.
Has there been a change there for both of you? If the answer is no, you are wasting your time and the longer you continue this relationship the more you will get hurt.
If you are both genuinely considering putting your love for each other first, it would be far better if you stopped seeing each other until your cousin has ended his marriage.
It isn’t fair on his wife to continue as you are.
Consider counselling to help you. Either way, you would benefit from talking to someone who is impartial and removed from your life.
For further details read my support pack How Counselling Works.
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