DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I found out that my husband was sexting his exes, I expected him to beg me for forgiveness. Instead he told me if I didn’t like it, I was free to leave.
He is adamant that as he hasn’t actually had intercourse, he has done done nothing wrong. In his mind exchanging naked photos and videos is “being a little bit flirty”.
He’s 40, I’m 36 and we have been married for eight years.
A few months ago, I noticed something amiss. He seemed distant.
While we had once had a great sex life, he lost interest in any kind of intimacy.
Every time we would get into bed he would roll over and and didn’t even want a kiss or a cuddle.
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When I decided to check his phone, every part of me hoped I wouldn’t find anything, but there were countless threads of texts with other women.
All women that he had previously been involved with.
I could see that he had initiated everything, and had actively sought them out.
If that wasn’t bad enough, as I scrolled I discovered he had also been exchanging naked photos and raunchy videos.
My husband walked in while I was looking through the messages and knew straight away I’d found out.
He didn’t even try to apologise, and told me I had no reason to be angry.
I don’t understand what’s got into him. What have I done to deserve this?
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DEIDRE SAYS: His behaviour is completely out of order and his stance shows he is totally in denial of the fact he is cheating on you.
He may not be having a physical affair but he has betrayed your trust.
I’m sure he would see it as being unfaithful if you behaved in this way.
Explain to him that he needs to be honest about the impact of his actions.
If he still isn’t ready to apologise and show any remorse, he is telling you he doesn’t value you or your marriage.
If he refuses to stop, then you are left with two choices.
Stay with him and become more and more frustrated or leave and find someone who will put you first and give you all their attention.
I’m sending you my support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? to help you make this decision.
It would be helpful to talk it all through first with a counsellor. You can get the right kind of help at Relate (relate.org.uk).
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