“Your excellency, the Palace is on the telephone,” announced the governor-general’s aide de camp.
“The Palace you say,” cried the governor-general, sitting up very straight indeed and taking the phone from its ornate cradle by his bed.
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese will on Tuesday receive advice on Scott Morrison’s secret ministry arrangements.Credit:Alex Ellinghausen
“Your Majesty, I am at your service.”
“Yes,” said a voice from afar. “You certainly are.”
“To what do I owe the pleasure, ma’am,” inquired the governor-general, by now on his feet, at parade-ground attention, only crumbs on his pyjama jacket from the breakfast toast and vegemite spoiling the effect.
“It has come to our attention things have been occurring that haven’t been coming to our attention,” said the monarch.
“Ah,” said the governor-general, swaying very slightly.
“That falls somewhat short of a comprehensive explanation,” said the Queen.
“This fellow Morrison. A man for rather too many seasons, one hears. Chap of numerous hats?”
“Baseball caps, I believe they are called, ma’am.”
“You may be missing my drift, governor-general. We wonder how it happened that you appear to have granted this Morrison chap a surfeit – a veritable overindulgence – of ministries other than his own and neglected to mention it to anyone, including your own diary?”
“Ma’am, I am sure you would understand how busy things can get when you’re spending your days signing things. Occasionally, matters slip by, drop off the edge of the desk, so speak, and are lost in the swirl of activity.”
“Young man, we have been dealing with prime ministers since Mr Churchill – oh, we miss the scent of a good cigar mixed with brandy – and we assure you that nothing has slipped off our desk or anywhere else, thank you very much.”
“Ma’am, Mr Morrison was an unusual prime minister. A needy sort. Didn’t like people knowing what he spent his time accumulating.”
“Unusual, hmmm? You do understand the most recent prime minister we have been required to deal with is a Mr Boris Johnson?”
“Ma’am, Mr Morrison had the constitution on his side. I checked. Section 64. Says something about me appointing officers to administer departments during my pleasure.”
“Governor-general, the constitution doesn’t actually prevent you inquiring of the prime minister whether his cabinet agrees with his exotic requests, and having a conversation about, hmm, we don’t know, how preposterous the whole idea of assuming powers that are already held by his own ministers might seem if and when it became known.”
“Yes, but constitutional convention says I do things on the advice of the government.”
“Oh, dear. If one of our prime ministers came for tea and advised one that we should push a number of his colleagues into the Thames, should we simply act on that advice? No, one believes we would suggest he go away and think about it, possibly in the company of a therapist.”
“Your Majesty, if only I’d spoken to you before all this! You are such a comfort and a pillar of good sense.”
“My dear governor-general, we would appreciate very much that you do not mention to anyone that you have spoken at any point to the Palace about this unfortunate matter, and we grant you permission to leave it out of your diary. Entirely.
“We recall with something of a shudder another representative of the Crown to the colony of Australia choosing to go his own way in secrecy. Kerr, I seem to remember was his name. White hair, red nose. Caused no end of bother. We wouldn’t want you to be remembered in the same way.”
“Of course, ma’am. Thank you for your sublime, regal understanding.”
The governor-general collapsed on to the vice-regal featherbed, causing his breakfast tea cup to upend itself, spilling Earl Gray everywhere.
“Our pleasure,” said the monarch. “Now we must away. One’s new prime minister is on the other line. Something about advice concerning a new occupant of Yarralumla. Ta ta.”
Cut through the noise of federal politics with news, views and expert analysis from Jacqueline Maley. Subscribers can sign up to our weekly Inside Politics newsletter here.
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